13) What my Heart Says

The days passed quickly, and the end of the week grew near.  I felt like I had my answer, but I didn't wish I had.  

"Come on, Jackie Jean, spit it out."

I almost laughed at the old nickname she often called me, but I was too distraught to do so.

"Do you know how it feels when you know you have your answer, but yet you don't think it's what your heart desires?"

Jordan flopped herself on my bed.  "What's come up?"

I sighed.  "Austin and Ashton."

"Well," she said, and laughed, "they're always the one's that are up."

I tried to hide my smile.  It was true.  It seems like all our problems went to them.  I turned back to the conversation.

"I just don't know..."

"Don't know what?"

"What to do.  You see, I feel like God wants me to forgive Ashton, and, I already have.  I'll apologize, too, for I'm just as much to blame as he is.  But I still don't know if I should take him back..."

Jordan was silent, her way of telling me that she was in deep thought.  

"Do you think you should?"

"That's the problem," I said, standing up, and wringing my hands in the air.  "I don't know."

"Let me put it another way," she said.  "What does your heart tell you?"

I bit my lip, and turned away.  "I don't love him," I whispered.  It was the most truthful thing I had ever said that whole summer.

"And Austin?"

I didn't try to, but I burst into tears.  "I love him.  I always have.  I just always thought that he didn't..."

Jordan turned me to her.

"You didn't think that?  Why, he loves you so much-- he loves you even more than the world itself!"

"Jordan!" I gasped.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well," she said, and played with her sleeve that was too long for her anyway, "at first, I wasn't exactly sure since I hadn't met him.  But you can tell so easily, now.  Just the way his eyes sparkle when he sees you, and then a dark shadow seems to come over his face when you turn away from him.  I wanted to tell you-- explain to you somehow, and I did try at your party, but then I thought that maybe you didn't love him."

"It was all wrong," I said, shaking my head.  "I was trying to replace Austin with Ashton, so I could free him from my mind."

"Well, now that you know, what are you going to do about it?"

~*~

Ashton met me on the beach, asking me again who I wanted.  I took a deep breath, hoping and praying I would say the right thing.

"Ashton," I began slowly, "I was very rude to you the other day, and I apologize.  I was being quite unfair to you, but-- but now I realize we aren't meant for each other.  It was always me and Austin.  I don't think I realized that until a few days ago.  I was being thoughtless by trying to replace you for him when it could've never worked.  Please forgive me for it.  I shouldn't of led you on, I know."

He didn't say anything, so I just held my breath.

"You're right," he said stiffly, "it would've never worked."  Then with a turn of his heel, he was gone.  I watched him as his car brought up a lot of smoke as he raced away.  Surprisingly, I didn't cry as I thought I would.  I had found out just in time that it would've never worked for him and I.  I was so thankful to God for that.

~*~

That night, I took the heart shaped necklace Ashton had given me a little while ago, and walked down to the beach, it secure in my palm.  I looked off at the tossing sea, and pink-red sunset where a lone seagull gave a melancholy call.  And with a toss of my hand, the necklace flew across the sky, and gave a splash, sinking into the depths of the sea.  I smiled softly to myself.  Now, I was completely rid of Ashton.  There was only one more thing I had to do.

Author's Note

YAY!!!!! :D

Reviews

[~Lizzy♬]

I am so happy for this book! Now I can't wait for something else that will come up in the book. :) I feel like Jordan reflects your advice!!! xD Loved the chapter and you're an amazing writer. I can't wait to see where you are in the future. :)

~Lizzard~