Tony Pepperoni and the White Devil

A children's story for adults chronicling one anthropomorphized pepperoni's descent into the dangerous underground world of drug smuggling.

        

TONY PEPPERONI AND THE WHITE DEVIL

   AN ABOMINATION BY GREG KLEPPER

 

One spring morning, Tony Pepperoni, a notorious grouch, awoke in his bed with a yawn.  He had been up all night digging through dumpsters for cans and bottles and was overly tired because of it. After stretching for a few moments he made his way over to the mirror, making sure to kick his cat Francis in the head on the way.  He gazed at his reflection and was furious at what he saw. His pepperoni face was caked in what looked like fecal matter and globs of corned beef hash hung thickly throughout his hair.  He opened up his beef lips and cursed loudly. 

His guido chain which once shone so brightly now shone only with the gleam of swill. “GODDAMN IT!” Tony Screamed! “Why’s I gotta’ dig through trash to live like a GENTLEMAN?!”

His cat Francis rubbed himself around tony’s pepperoni legs before attempting to take a big bite out of them.  In great anger, Tony ripped the cat up into the air by its tail.

“MRRRREOOOOWWWW!!!!!!” The cat howled as Tony furiously carried him into the kitchen and chained him to the wall by his neck. 

 

And while little Francis fidgeted in his new restraints, Tony glanced down at his watch and his eyes began to bulge outward. 

It was close to 1:15 and Tony Pepperoni was late for lunch! He was to meet his second cousin Tommy Salami at their favorite lunch spot Parmigiana Patty’s. 

“Jeez Louise!!  I gotta get goin’!" 

Tony quickly jumped in the shower and rinsed the filth from his spicy red skin, and after running a plastic comb through his greasy locks and putting on a clean shirt, he was out the door. Tony spotted his vehicle parked right outside, a hollowed out Bavarian Bratwurst.  He hopped in, started the car and was off. 

When Tony Pepperoni arrived at the restaurant, Parmigiana Patty greeted him with a smile and directed him towards his table where Tommy Salami sat cracking his knuckles and drinking Tabasco.

“Ay Oh!  Cousin, Have a Seat.” Tommy Salami said taking out a comb and running it through the greasy slick back mop on his head.

Tony sat down at the red checkerboard table.  He took a piece of bread from the basket, then sliced off a small chunk of his own thigh and spread it across the pumpernickel with a butter knife.

“Now Tony Listen here!  I got business to discuss.  As you know I run a very successful business.  F**k, who am I kidding. The business is goin down in flames Tones.  I owe the IRS 80 G’s, only got three weeks to pay.  Was hopin youd help out family.” Tommy Salami tactfully hinted. 

“Jeez Louise Tommy, I would, but cashing in cans and bottles isn’t payin' like it did in Michigan.   I cant even afford a pair of shoes!  You didn’t notice the large shard of glass sticking out of my heel? Tony slammed his foot on the table and showed his cousin his bloody, possible infected pepperoni foot.

“Tony please, I know youre broke.  That’s why I was hopin we could kill two birds with one stone. “

“Whatd you have in mind?” Tony asked Tommy.

“Our second cousin Johnny Pastrami has recently informed me of a lucrative endeavor we should take interest in.  He’s working for the big drug kingpin,  Maurizo Chorizo.  According to Johnny,  Maurizo’s got three Kilos comin into the Pier Tonight.  And he wants to help us get it. “ Tommy Explained.

“Jeez Louise Tommy, isn’t that dangerous?” said Tony Pepperoni as his nerves began to crack.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it! I got an AK 47 and enough Machetes to turn that Chorizo and his hisse’s into Thanksgiving stuffing.  All I need is you there for backup.  We’s gonna split it three ways.  That’s 50 thou for each of us Tony!  You wont have to walk around barefoot no more, or feed your cat pieces of your own skin. 

“I wouldn’t have to collect bottles anymore….  And maybe I could even buy a television.” Tony said optimistically.

“Buddy you could buy 5 thousand Tvs with all that dough!”

“Alright, Im in. 

“Cousin! Alright meet me at the corner of 40^th and Burns at 9 PM. Ill have the instructions from Johnny Pastrami.  And be sure to wear black.  Ill take care of everything else.” 

Tony Pepperoni finished his lunch while getting schooled on the heist.  After lunch Tony said goodbye to Tommy and drove back home in his Bratwurst car.

He spent the rest of the afternoon creating an internet wish list of all the new fancy things he was going to buy himself with his stolen drug money, while Francis the Cat begged Tony to unchain him from the wall.  Tony finally agreed and upon setting the cat free, was viciously attacked by the feline. Francis dug his claws into Tonys Pepperoni flesh  and scratched.  Tony took his cat into the bathroom by its tail and locked him in the medicine cabinet.   After showering off the blood from the cat attack it was already dark.  Tony dried off with paper towels and dressed himself black as pitch.  As he left his home to meet Tommy, he began to feel quite nervous, and as a result nauseous. Once in his car he puked all over the passengers seat.  It was spicy and burned his throat.

When he arrived at the secret meeting place, Tommy was waiting for him in a black camaro.

“Tssst!” Tommy hissed calling him over.

Tony Pepperoni got in the Camaro and Tommy gave him the rundown. The shipment was coming in at 10:15 on Dock 3A.  They were to sneak down and hide in two barrels right on the edge of the dock.  Tommy explained that Johnny Pastrami had rigged the barrels with holes big enough to fire their guns through so they could take out the gang of Mexican sausages as discreetly as possible and with great stealth.  Once dead, they were to take the package back to Tommy’s house and divide it up for a quick sale. 

“Here” Tommy said as he sprayed Tony with a bottle of Lysol deodorizing disinfectant spray. “Otherwise they’ll smell us coming a mile away.”  Tommy reached into the glove compartment and took out about 10 Pine Tree Car Deodorizers and put them around Tony’s neck.  “There you go, You’re all set.”

“Hey Tommy….” Said Tony Pepperoni.

“Yea?” Tommy Salami replied.

“What if something goes wrong?”

Tommy just smiled and said “Make a run for it.  If s**t hit’s the fan, our rendezvous point’ll be back at Parmigian Patty’s.”

Tony took a deep breath as they got out of the car and walked onto the Pier. After walking for a bit they turned down onto the narrow dock 3A.  Reaching into his back pocket, Tommy pulled out a caliber pistol and put it in Tonys hand.  Tony gulped and gripped it tight with his pepperoni fingers.  Pulling their ski masks over their beefy heads, they climbed into the barrels. 

After several minutes Tony began to get nervous again. Peering through one of the larger holes in the barrel, Tony Pepperoni saw a boat heading right for their Pier.  He gulped and turned the safety off on his gun as the boat slowly made it’s way into the harbor. 

 

Sweating Profusely, Tony used his pepperoni hands to wipe the perspiration from his brow. Once the boat had been anchored the gang of five Chorizos walked down one by one onto the dock.  The first four carrying a large chest over their heads. The third in line, like a sore thumb, was Johnny Pastrami, clearly not spiced with such intensity.  Johnny glanced at the two buckets from the corner of his eye and locked eyes with Tony.  Tony wasn’t sure if he had seen him or not.  The last Chorizo in the line of five laid himself down in between the boat and the dock, while their boss, Maurizo Chorizo walked right over him like he was carpet, a precautionary measure employed to protect his brand new custom made alligator skin loafers.  The Chorizos put down the chest to await further instructions from their Chorizo boss.

Tony still sweating wiped the sweat from his brow once again, this time pulling back a handful of blood.  All of the sweaty rubbing of his pepperoni forehead had re-opened the deep cut his cat Francis had scratched out of his face earlier that afternoon.  And it was with this realization that another one, far worse, came into view. 

 

Boss Maurizo Chorizo stopped dead in his tracks and began to sniff the air as if he smelled something funny. 

“Hisse’s do you smell that?  It smells like…”  Maurizo Chorizo inhaled deeply once again. “ Pepperoni”.

Johnny Pastrami jumped up at this and said “I don’t smell anything, do you guys?”

“Come to think of it, it does smell like pepperoni.” Said the Chorizo in a thick Mexican accent.

Maurizo Chorizo began to look suspicious.

“Oh, that’s right, I just ate some pepperoni pizza on board.” Johnny Pastrami said looking increasingly nervous.

“Pizza!?!?  And WHY MAY I ASK WAS I NOT OFFERED ANY?” Screamed Maurizo Chorizo in a fit of rage.

Just then a bullet came whizzing out of the barrel next to Tony and flew right through Maurizo Chorizo’s spicy red forehead and landed in the neck of the taller chorizo henchman right in back of him, killing them both instantly.

There was a mass panic as the other Chorizos began to pull out their guns and look all around. 

“Who did that!?” Screamed the tall Chorizo henchman Chorizo Mosquito.

Swiftly, Johnny Pastrami drew the sharp machete he had on his back and in a single slice, severed Chorizo Mosquito’s head.   The other Chorizo’s began to run. 

“Shoot them, they’ll rat me out to the family!” Screamed Johnny Pastrami.

Tommy Salami’s barrel fell on it’s side as Tommy Kicked his way out.  He aimed his Gun straight for the chorizos and fired several rounds of bullets in their direction until they both lay dead in bloody spicy sausage pools.

Once the coast was clear, Tony Pepperoni also came out of his barrel and joined the spicy saboteurs.

“Nice one boys, you did good.” Said Johnny Pastrami with a Smile. 

Now lets get this chest outta here before the cops show up.

And with that said, the three triumphant anthropomorphized sausages heaved the chest of blow into the air and carried it back to the car, with a merry tune on their lips.

 

Once back in the car, Johnny Pastrami explained he had found a buyer for it, and the three guidos were to meet this “client” in the parking lot of Darius’ Pork Palace off of Century Parkway at 11 PM sharp.  

Arriving shortly after 11, they pulled into a spot in the back of the lot and shut off the engine.  Within moments, a tall black woman in a designer black dress, sunglasses and a black scarf tied around her head emerged from a white limosine and began walking towards the car. 

“You late!” She hollered several yards away.

“I’m sorry, don’t get your panties in a twist Mrs. Houston” Johnny Pastrami replied.

Tony Pepperoni and Tommy Salami slowly turned to each other with wide eyes and in unanimous realization exclaimed “Whitney Houston?!”.

“That’s right boys.  Old Whitney’s a Connosiour.”  Johnny explained as Whitney Houston walked towards the window.

“Now listen hear Johnny Pastrami!  I am Whitney Houston, I don’t wait for nobody.  I am a grammy winning artist!  How dare you assume that its acceptable to waste any of my time.  How you gonna repay the 3 minutes youve just stolen from my life?” Screamed the enraged coke head.

“Look here toots, do you want it or not.  I got no problem driving away”

“Okay okay! She said in a fluster.

“Okay.” and she pulled a thick manila envelope out from her cleavage and handed it to Johnny.

Johnny counted the money quickly and then popped the trunk where the chest was being held.   Whitney ran towards the back of the truck, breaking a heel, and peaked inside the chest.  Within moments she was excitedly dancing around the parking lot with her high heeled shoes in her hands. as if there was imaginary music playing.  Her two bodyguards Bonnafus and Jean Paul carried her back to the limo and made a second trip for the chest before driving off.

 

The three heros cheered as they divided up the 150,000 dollars three ways.  Tony Pepperoni had never felt better.  There would be no more digging through trash for him this year!  He danced home and filled up his bathtub with the dirty drug money, bathing in it all night. 

 

Tony Pepperoni had several great nights with his money.  He bought a new iron chain for his cats neck and treated himself to lobster thermador. All was looking up until the Police arrived that Saturday morning with an arrest warrant.  Apparently their were high definition security cameras on the docks.  Who knew?  Tony certainly didn’t.  The three boys were indicted and sentenced to life in prison, where all three were eaten within days by a gang of fat white supremacists.  They tasted delicious.