Chapter Twelve

 

I stood on the cliff ledge for what must have been days. No one would see me here, I was sure there was not a single soul around me for miles. The solitude was refreshing and oppressive at the same time. I felt liberation to not have social pressures of interacting when needed and the freedom to simply let my thoughts wander where they might. And yet I could feel an empty hole, the one I had always felt since my transformation seeming to suck the rest of my soul into it’s never returning depts. I felt as if who I was and all I had known myself to be was slowly being peeled away. Eventually this hole, this emptiness was going to consume me.

            As I sat there I searched myself, wondering exactly who I was now. I thought I had always been sure of this. I had been the simple farm boy. I had been raised by two loving parents. I had been raised to work hard for the things we needed to survive. The world would give me nothing if I was not going to work for it. I had been happy and content with my existence. It was simple but it seemed whole. I went about my daily life, never wanting for anything more than I had. I had a warm home, a loving family, food to eat, and a beautiful woman to love. What more could I have wanted?

            Now reflecting on all of the things of my past it almost seemed as if I was watching the memories of another person.  This person was human, average, normal. I was none of those things. Normal men could not live forever, run at these impossible speeds, have such incredible strength. Nothing about this past year had been normal. I would never lead a normal life again.

            I was tired of having so much turmoil inside of me. I was tired of feeling so week and unsure of myself. Things were going to have to change. With a new determination to discover the purpose of the new William Colegrove I dove into the water.

 

            I had not the slightest inkling of where I was. I had paid little attention as I had wandered about Spain but I guessed that I must have gone south. After my dive into the water I swam for nearly two whole days, being totally unsure if I was headed for any kind of land or if I was simply swimming out into the open sea. But eventually my feet touched ground and I emerged from the depths, waterlogged and soggy.

            I had not walked far before a thought occurred to me. If I was to move on with this new life I was going to have to deal with the past of which I mourned over so much. I was going to have to face those things that pained me most.         

            The first issue I decided I could face was the loss of my mother. 

            I tried to reflect on all of the wonderful memories I had of this woman. Ann had married beneath her but she never even once seemed to regret her decision. My parents had always been terribly in love and happy together despite my father’s roughness. She was a wonderful mother, always so patient and understanding. She had always been my best friend growing up. We had always gotten along so well. Until Elizabeth came along that is. 

            As my memory wandered through the courses of my former life they finally came to her closing moments. It was painful to linger on this scene but I knew that I was going to have to deal with the things that were unpleasant.

            I watched the scene unfold behind my eyelids and a slow realization came to me. My mother’s death was not my fault. I was not the one who killed her. I had tried to blame myself for her death all this past year and yet I was not the one who had dealt the silencing blow. I had tried my best to defend her against her attacker, unarmed against a man who had the obvious advantage. All I could have done was my best and that was exactly what I had done. 

            A weight felt as if it had been lifted from my chest and I breathed a little deeper. The weight of the world I seemed to carry was lightened just a bit.

            By now I had found myself back to the ocean’s comforting shores. As I walked silently along the sandy beach I picked up a small piece of driftwood and a sharp stone. Within just a few moments I realized that I had carved her name upon it. 

            As I looked upon the word scratched into the surface I knew that I would forever mourn the loss of my mother but that I could no longer blame myself for what happened to her. Life must go on and I could not continue to feel sorry for myself for my loss.

            I quietly pressed my lips for just a moment to the word there and whispered a good-bye before I hurled it out to sea.

            I turned back towards land and set off with a determination to continue my journey of self-revelation. I had no idea of the destination of where I physically traveled. Only the journey of self mattered.

            I walked swiftly over the terrain and turned my thoughts to the next item I needed to work past. Those who I left behind at home.

            I took full responsibility for what I did to Eli. He had in no way warranted the reaction I had towards him. I had nearly killed my own brother over nothing. The anger that felt like a literal fire within me was strong and could easily get out of hand. I was going to have to learn better control. For everyone’s sake. 

            I also knew that I absolutely deserved being sent away. Francis was undoubtedly justified in what he did. In fact it was probably what was best for everyone. I shuttered to think what may have happened if I had stayed. I probably would have ended up killing someone.

            For this past year I had been beating myself up because I had nearly killed my brother. It was as if in my mind I felt as if he were indeed dead. Perhaps because I had been sent away while Eli was in fact still unconscious I had made him to be dead in my mind. But I had just nearly killed him. Eli was still alive. I should not be mourning him but celebrating the fact that he was indeed alive.

            With determination I made a vow to myself that I would see them again. I would probably never be able to speak to either of them again or let them see me, it would most certainly frighten them to see me so unchanged after the years that would pass. Even if only from a distance I needed to see them again someday, just to make sure that they were alright. I was not ready to do this yet, but one day I would return. 

            The days and nights came and went, the sun swallowing up the glory of the mood but the moon ever returning to cast it’s mysterious glow upon the earth. I moved steadily yet never in a hurry. As I had no destination I felt no need for haste. 

            It had been nearly a week I had figured since I had left Spain when I happened upon a small village. There was not much to it. The homes were small and primitive and were all built around what seemed to be the heart of the village. There were only a few shops and I hesitated to call them even this. There was also a small well in the very center and I determined that this must have been the source of everyone’s water. Everything was huddled close together under the shelter of a towering mountain and I knew the placement of it had been strategic, for protection from the outside world.

            I sat on a low wall for a time and watched the people as they went about their daily lives. Again I marveled at the difference in human beings. Their skin was much darker than any I had ever beheld but it was beautiful. It seemed to have been kissed by the sun and they nearly seemed to glow. Their features were much darker and heavier and I could not help but be fascinated by them.

            But my fascination was not strictly held by their outward appearance. It was also their way of life. So different from that of my home or Spain. They never seemed to be in a hurry. They took their time to take in their surroundings to actually realize what was around them. They greeted one another in the streets, took time for actual conversation. And I noticed that they genuinely seemed to care for one another. They were a community. More than that, they were a family. The human family.

            I felt something strange start to stir within me. A desire to protect these people from the things that might desire to harm them. They were so defenseless, so weak and breakable. It now seemed amazing to me that human society could continue to exist. The world around them was so much stronger than them and they had no choice but to bend to it’s will. And to know that there were other’s out there like me who would have dominion over them. And there would be nothing they could do but to submit to their will. 

            I had my doubts before in talking to Zachariah about working so hard to protect human society. I had seen the bad that seemed so evident in their world. People like the man who had nearly killed me, like the man willing to pay me to end his brother-in-law’s life. People like these certainly did not deserve the kind of protection I could offer. But now looking at these people before me I saw something that may be worth protecting. They seemed to exemplify all that was good in human nature. Everything caring, compassionate, and of charity. I knew that no one was perfect; everyone held their flaws, that was what made them human. But it was for that goodness, that potential they held that I would fight for them.

            All the daylong did I sit there on that wall watching them. There was curious looks in my direction but they were never hostile, angry, or anything of the sort. I was simply something different that probably none of them had ever seen before with my paler skin and nearly white hair.

            As the sun started to disappear into the horizon I realized it was time to leave. I found that I did not want to go far though. I felt at ease here. They were not judging me, trying to ask questions even though I was foreign to them and obviously did not belong there. And so I found my way to a nearby hill where I could overlook the town.

            As I sat in the dark I thought of my next task I had to work through. I now faced one of the most difficult issues that I was not sure I was ready to move past yet. Elizabeth. She had been such a large part of my life for so long I was not quite sure of how exactly to move on. She and I had spent years knowing that we were going to someday have the rest of our lives to spent together. And on that fateful day everything changed. The very same day I had finally gotten the token of our commitment. 

            How could she have moved on so easily? I understood that she had been told that I was dead, I could not blame her for believing that. Yet, it had to only have been a few weeks from that time until I had spoken to her and she informed me she had committed to be married to another man. 

            Taking a deep breath I reminded myself this was for the best. What kind of life would I have been able to offer her now? Even if she had not moved on the way she did certainly I would have terrified her into leaving with the things that had changed with me. My then nearly uncontrollable temper surely would have gotten to me one day when she would have been too close to me. This was the better way.

            While I could no longer be angry with Elizabeth I could not pretend the hurt was not there. My heart now had a fracture that ran throughout it, every surface of it a spiders web of cracks. It would not take much to shatter it now. It would be all I could do for the time being to simply not let it fall apart. This was something that time was going to have to heal. I was never going to have Elizabeth. I would have to find some way to go on.

            My thoughts continued like this throughout the night, wandering somewhere between my new resolve to move on and dwelling upon my memories of Elizabeth. A tug of war was contending inside of me but I knew who was going to be the winner no matter if it wanted to be or not.

            I lay on my back, feeling the cool grass that was under me and stared up at the stars. Trying very hard, I pushed my thoughts of Elizabeth away.

            It now was time for an accession of myself. I had been forced into this new life now for over a year and yet I still had no idea of who I actually was. I had been clinging so hopelessly to my old self that I had never taken the time to try and understand who the new William could become. Who was I now?

            I turned internally to try and find the answer to this question. I could sense the raw potential there but I was not sure if it was simply because of the abilities I now possessed or if I, myself, had actual potential. But potential to do what? This was the biggest mystery in my life. What was my reason for being? Why had Zachariah been so driven to save me? How was I going to fit into life?

            A thought occurred to me, spurned by an unknown reason. I found myself wondering about the rage, the anger and fire I constantly fought to keep in control. What if I could harness this emotion and use it, express it in the way I wished? Was I capable of other emotions so strong and fierce? If I could only learn to harness and control the emotions I knew they could be a powerful weapon or protection.

            I found myself wishing I was more like Daniel. He was so sure of himself. He knew who he was beyond a doubt; he had no questions about it. He had so much confidence about him. It was difficult for me to comprehend how this could be so easy for him. He seemed so natural in this life. People looked to him for leadership, when they needed someone to take charge and he did it so naturally.

            Well, the only way for me to make the changes I so desired was for me to step up. I was going to have to take charge of my life. I realized now that I had been hiding behind Daniel and Zachariah all this time. I had relied for them to take charge and to lead. I simply looked to them for the answers, looked to them for guidance. It was time for me to lead my own life.

            Just before the sun started to make its appearance I noticed people were emerging from their homes. They arose early to greet the sun it seemed. There was much to be done and it seemed to them there were not enough hours of sunlight to finish everything.

            They were incredibly busy as they moved about, doing their daily tasks. The first of which seemed to be to get water for the day. A line formed at the well as the women came with their jugs and vases. 

            The children were playing in the streets and I could not help but smile as I watched them. They were so innocent yet so mischievous. Not yet old enough to understand the concept of right and wrong.

            One child caught my eye. She must not have been any more than two years old. She had big beautiful brown eyes and dark hair that fell to her shoulders in tight curls. She must have been just learning to walk as she teetered among the children, falling frequently yet always willing to get back up and try again. Her eyes seemed to focus in on something in particular and she started to wander away from the crowd of laughing children. My eyes followed her line of sight and I found what it was she was after. There was a partial wall of stone and appeared to be the beginnings of a new building. Resting halfway down one of the walls was a tiny butterfly, slowly opening and closing its wings. A broad grin spread on her face and she let out a little squeal of laughter as she picked up speed.

            My blood ran cold as I assessed the wall she was headed towards. It was crude and rough and very unstable. It was only four feet seven inches high but twice her height. Should she disturb it even the slightest the wall would fall and crush her. I franticly looked around for a mother who was watching yet to no avail. All the women seemed to be busy going about their task and speaking in quick, excited tones to one another.

            I reacted without thinking as I was on my feet in one invisible movement. I barreled down the hill, my eyes focused and intent on the child’s face as she moved closer and closer to what would be her death. Willing myself to move faster I found more strength within and forced more haste into my blurring feet.

            No one seemed to actually see me as I flew past them but they did turn when all their skirts and layers were rustled by the wake of air I left behind me. Just in time to see me snatch the child into my arms before the wall came crushing down to the ground. I came to a grinding halt in a fraction of a second as I held onto her tightly. Surprisingly she did not utter even the faintest cry. 

            I was suddenly afraid of what I would find when I turned around. Zachariah had warned me about the dangers of exposing myself and I had just done so to an entire crowd of people.

            I heard faint murmuring behind and was surprised that none of it sounded angry or hostile, or even surprised. It was more just excited. I felt a light hand on my shoulder and I turned to see a woman touching me lightly, hear head bowed just slightly. I immediately recognized that she had the same beautiful eyes as the tiny child in my arms. I hastily handed her over to her mother and looked beyond her.

            I could not understand what I was seeing at first. Everyone had dropped to their knees, their foreheads touching the ground softly and their arms stretched forward towards me. They were each completely silent but I saw the happy expressions on the faces of the older ones who remained standing mingled with the tears that were running down their faces.

            “Please, stand up,” I muttered suddenly understanding what was happening. They had dropped to positions of great reverence, of worship. “Please, there is no need.” I suddenly realized that this request was going to be futile as I neither spoke their language, nor were they likely to understand mine.   

            By now several men had appeared, coming to investigate why all had suddenly fallen silent. They looked from the crumbled wall to the child and seemed to connect what had happened and why their women were in the position they were as they too dropped to their knees. 

            “Please,” I whispered as I walked to the first woman. I bent low and carefully grasped around her elbow and tugged her to her feet. I shook my head, being careful to keep my expression kind. She looked slightly unsure as she looked into my face but a slow smile spread on her lips. I smiled in return and turned to the next woman and pulled her to feet and the other woman did the same. 

            Once everyone was on their feet I observed all those around me and felt strangely as if I were at home, the first time I had felt this way since I had left the home of my childhood. While I had not expected this extreme reaction to my exposure they were not afraid. They were welcoming me and were not placing judgments upon my head.

            I remained in the city for the rest of the day and watched them yet again. And they watched me. While they went back to their normal activities I felt the eyes on me and it seemed they were searching for something, like there was something missing from me. As if there was something that I was supposed to have brought with me.

            One of the older men of the tribe brought me to one of the huts and while I did not understand exactly what he said I deduced that this was to be where I could stay. I had nodded and tried to convey my gratitude despite the differences in our language.

            While I knew that I should have left that night I could not help but want to stay. I felt comfortable here and I sensed that I was for some reason expected to stay. And so I made perhaps the mindless decision to stay, if only for a little while.

            Once everyone had retired to their huts I wandered back out into the heart of the little village. I found myself back at the collapsed wall. It had not been constructed very well and I wondered if it was supposed to eventually end up as a building. All others around here were made of mostly timber, mud, and grass. I wondered why it was so significant that they were attempting to make it out of a more solid material. Feeling sudden sympathy on them I started rearranging the stones back into a wall, taking excruciating care to make it as stable as possible as I went along. It did not take long before I had arranged all the material that was present into what had once been the four walls. It was particularly larger than any of their huts, three times the size of one. 

            Once this task was done I found my way back to my hut. I lay on the sheepskins that had been set inside for me and closed my eyes. I found myself longing to regain the ability to sleep. Not that I was tired but it would have been nice to escape into unconsciousness and have a short break from the reality around me. The last year had just been one really long day and I knew that it was never going to end.

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Alright, I know this is first person singular but do you realize how many times the word "I" is used in this chapter alone? I counted 194 and I'm sure I missed some. Maybe there is some way you could reword some of the sentences to avoid so much repetition,do you think? Just thought I'd throw the thought out there.