Forbidden

I wish I could forget every single time we held hands
I wish I didn't remember the day we first met, 
Or when our friendship began.
It would be easier if I forgot the way you look and feel at night
It would make more sense not to wonder about the feel of your fingertips slowly creeping along my thigh.

Do you even remember, the night at the globe?
Do you think of it fondly, the way we...do you remember how close
We were, two hands gripped tight not bothering to care about sweat
Your hand meandering in your sleep, while you nestled into me?

And when it all finished, I can't say I was glad.
I missed you and the unfamiliar pain was stranger than I'd expect
Clinging to memories of our witty conversations
You made me feel like I was a woman, not a girlfriend

I wish I could go back so I didn't say "Okay" when you asked to meet up
That fateful day
I wish even more that could change anything 
I know it would be right, I know it would be fitting. 
I wish that you hadn't had that nervous glint in your eye and
I wish that we hadn't had such times

Suddenly we were wrestling.
My arms pinned far up, behind my head.
Your face it was looming
As you teased me and laid on my legs. 
There was a moment of silence, as my breath caught in my throat 
Your eyes didn't move from my lips, and I thought "So now I know."

I tried to bite you, caught your lips instead
They were thin and strange 
I was thinking of him and screaming inside
Then you let go and gently pulled me up
Which is when my brain kicked into gear and I did some pulling of my own
Away from you and your strange hold.

I am so confused of this immature whirl,
I know it can't compare to the utter jubilance I feel
Everyday on his arm
He is the only one I miss, you are just a single thought
His scent lingers on my spine and I get a lump in my throat
You might be a symbol of what I leave behind,
A fleeting crush, a mistaken feeling
Yet I want only him, in every possible way
He's everything I need, and everything I know. 

And now I wish you weren't mad
That I'm trying to protect the perfect love I already have
You don't see it like that, since we never speak his name
We rarely speak of anything of importance...
I haven't told you how desperately in love I am
And how this feeling for you is slowly driving me mad
Only because it is fading away and now
With guilt, I am filled and it is just my own fault.
When we meet again,
If we meet again
I know I will remember his love,
The ten months of joy, support and caring
For he deserves better than me but yet he stays. 
He loves, he protects, he cherishes, he cares and entertains
Caters to my every need.
 

I will never hurt him again as long as I live
He is the only one, the perfect one for me

You are a friend, nothing more.

You are nothing, now.
A forbidden mistake
A lesson well learnt.