Chronicles of Confusion 2

Chronicles of Confusion 2

 

  And so the confusion continues.  Friday night (3^rd October) I had to help out making coffee/tea for our community theatre (Roodepoort Little Theatre) group’s production that they had on – Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Ernest.  Funny show.  We really have a group of brilliant actors in our community.  Really awesome!  Anyway, I sent him a message just saying that I hope he feels better soon so that he can enjoy his weekend.  He sent three x’s – his second favourite response.

  On Saturday, I was asked to help out with kitchen duty again.  There were 2 shows: one at 1pm and the second at 7pm.  Most of the crew opted to stay between shows.  I decided I might as well too.  I had taken my study material for English for Law and attempted to study.  Sitting alone in the kitchen (the play was still on and it was after interval so the others went to buy stuff to replenish what had been sold), I thought I’d send him a message just checking to see how he was feeling.  When I didn’t get a response, a part of me died (again).  I was already miserable sitting there on my own studying, and after getting no response, I slid all the way back down that hill of depression.  I even sent Colin a message asking why I beat myself up so much when he doesn’t reply to my texts.  I wish I knew the answer.  I wish I didn’t take this so to heart.

  Monday arrived, and I already knew that (even though he had said we should move our ‘get-together’ from the previous Thursday to the following Monday because he wasn’t well the Thursday) things weren’t going to happen.  When he walked in around 7.30am I noticed that he seemed to have a bit of a stiff neck.  I took him a cup of coffee and asked how he was feeling.  He replied that he was still feeling a bit fluey and that he had a pinched nerve in his neck.  I felt my heart fall.  There goes another day.  A part of me kept swearing at him, thinking “this is just so Goddamn unfair – every time we arrange something, something goes wrong!”  I was really hurting.  But then the other, more caring side of me felt sorry for him and just wished him to get better.

  As the week passed, his moods were like a roller-coaster – up and down – and hence, so were mine.  He would find every reason in the world to attack me about something that someone else has done.  I hate it.  I’m not his PA so that he can take his moods out on me all the time.  Or am I?  Can that really be the only reason why I am still here?  I refuse to belief that!

    Wednesday and Thursday (8th and 9^th October) were emotionally trying for me.  It just always seems like nothing I do is ever good enough.  Whenever I ask for work, they tell me there’s nothing.  How am I supposed to prove that I’m worth the money they’re paying me if I have nothing to show for it?

  Simple things bother me now, but yet they’re not that simple.  For example, on Wednesday I had put a call through to him from Natascha (I’ll tell you more about her in a second), but as I put it through, he stood up to close his door so I didn’t have a chance to tell him who it was.  Next thing he screams at me through the wall to take a message.  I didn’t appreciate that at all.  I mean he’s supposed to tell me that he’s closing his door because he’s going to be busy and that he doesn’t want to be disturbed, not just shut it and scream at me through the damn wall!  (There are times when he just closes the door because the rest of the office is too noisy, but he still accepts calls.)

  As for Natascha – she was my boss when I started in the accounts department in the beginning of 2007 (I started at the company as a switchboard operator/receptionist/PA to another director [there are 4 in the office and 2 external ones] in September 2006).  She often told us how he had asked her to leave her boyfriend and marry her because he wanted to have her children.  She laughed it off as the most absurd idea in the world.  It didn’t bother me then, because he and I hadn’t started anything.  But when we did and she repeated those stories, my heart tore into many pieces.  It was hard knowing that he was crazy in love with her and that she thought of him as nothing more than an idiot friend who has to be insane.  In other words, I was watching the man I love, loving someone else.  It was killing me.

  Time passed and it looked like he wasn’t that interested in her anymore.  He used to work as the Centre Manager for the one casino we manage before he moved to our offices.  Natascha was to take his place there so that he could move back to our offices and concentrate on the new mall that we’re working on finalising the contract for, and Rachel would then replace her in the accounts department.  Natascha still contacts him often regarding the casino because (a) he is the director in charge of there; and (b) he still, having been the Centre Manager, wants to be heavily involved in the going-ons of the casino.

  But anyway, things were just weird and, I felt, rather unfair to me.  On Thursday Robert Bathke, a gentleman from one of the big banks that we deal with on a regular basis, came to see him.  I went into his office to let him know that Robert was in the reception.  At that point I wasn’t 100% sure if it was that particular Robert (there are a few that we deal with).  He gives me the dirtiest of looks and tells me to go find out who it is and what they want.  As I walked out, I said sternly, “I just told you who it is.”  But regardless, I went to reception and apologetically asked for his last name.  “Bathke.  Robert Bathke from Nedbank.”  I smiled and, apologising again, went to inform my a*****e of a boss (I had just had enough with him that day).  As I walked into his office he was walking out to meet Robert.  I politely told him that it was Robert Bathke, “as I had originally told you”. 

  I heard, much to my satisfaction, the start of the conversation between the two gentlemen: 

“Robert, hi.”

“You look surprised to see me.”

“I am.”

Although it may not sound like much, it made me smile because it just meant that he was a complete moron who couldn’t arrange his own diary.  When he came out to ask me to get him a coffee and a water for Robert, I jokingly (please note VERY light-heartedly joked) said that I wouldn’t until he apologised to me.  His reply?  “But why?  It was half-baked information.”  As I walked away I called him an a*****e and stuck up my middle finger at him (which is something I never do.  I’m one of those girls who still believes in respecting people).  He had already started closing the door so I don’t actually know if he saw it or not.  To be honest, I don’t care.  What got to me the most that day, was how hollow and low I felt.  I was actually really scaring myself.  I just felt like nothing was worth it.  The more I wanted him, the more it seemed to put a barrier around him.  He felt so far away that I had begun to think about just getting out of life for good.  That way I wouldn’t feel the pain I felt at that moment.  And I would never have to wonder about his feelings for me.  It wouldn’t matter.

  Friday was a complete turnaround from the rest of the week!  You could sense that there was still something in the air, but other than that it was awesome.  He was awesome.  We had a staff meeting in the afternoon and my mom and I arranged that we would have pizzas and some drinks afterwards (we’re in charge of the “catering” for staff meetings, so to speak).  It was really a nice afternoon.  We are a great team!

  As the afternoon progressed, we were all a bit less tense.  I even had a drink (or two) for a change (I usually don’t – I just stick to cool-drink or juice).  But because I was in such an exceptional mood, I began joking with Elmari, who had been taking photos, that she should take a picture of my cleavage.  We then came up with a fun experiment that we would take a photo of all the girls’ cleavage and get the guys to guess whose b***s are whose.  As I struck a pose, he looked up at me (as did Chris – our other director).  I nearly died!  But the smile that crossed his face made everything good.

  After a while things died down and a few people had already left.  I went back to my desk and attempted to read) one of the poems I possibly had to know for my upcoming exam.  What a mission!  Those poems are crap with a capital PEEUEW!!!!!!!  While I was sitting hunched over my book, he came passed and asked “what the hell” I was doing and told me to “come have another drink”.  I just smiled and said I had to do this.

  While driving home (well, my mom was driving because I was sleepy – that’s what alcohol does to me) I sent him a message asking if he thought I had looked a little bit pretty.  I had worn a really cute (very near sexy) red dress with small white polka dots on it.  Everyone at work kept saying how nice I looked and it really made me feel pretty.  His reply was, “Very!”  That was all I wanted.  Had ended my week just perfectly!

  So far this week as been absolutely amazing!  Nothing bad or negative has happened (not concerning him anyway).  Monday morning him, Mientjie (a complete b***h whom just about everyone hates), Rachel and I had a brief meeting.  The gist of the meeting was that there is a new update to our invoicing system and there is a lot of information that needs to be loaded (or reloaded) onto it.  It is usually Mientjie’s job, but because there isn’t much for me to do on a normal day, I have been asked to do it under her rule.  He said he feels that I am “intelligent enough” to be able to do the job and that he’s sure I will learn things quickly.  I was quite excited.  I mean, this is 1) something for me to finally do in my ‘spare time’; and 2) it’s something new to learn, which is something I enjoy immensely.

  But then Mientjie (the absolute fucken b***h) surfaced.  She and I went outside (so that she could smoke) and she just briefly explained exactly what it is that I have to do.  One of the first things she says to me is that she cannot understand why he even bothered referring to my intelligence, implying that she doesn’t agree with the fact that I am smart enough to do the job.  The next thing that comes out is that she’s told them over and over that I am not the right person to do the job (but nobody ever listens to her.  Boo hoo!).  She says that I am “too creative” and that I am “not meticulous enough”.  I worked in the fucken accounts department for crying out loud!!!  There are few jobs that require as much concentration and attention to detail as a job in accounts does.  I could not believe that she would have the audacity to say this to me!  But I just smiled and played dumb.  But my warning to everyone is, that if she walks out that office with a bloody nose (or a pen in her eye), all I can say is, “she had it coming”.

  On Tuesday after I had taken him his morning tea, I thought I’d take a chance and send him a text asking if he would still have time for me this week (as he had stated the previous week Wednesday when I had asked), and his reply had me smiling from ear-to-ear, “Yes of course.  I will let you know angel x”.  This meant two things: 1) he was thinking it over; and 2) he liked what I had been wearing (I had a little school-girl type outfit on – very sexy in its own way).  I reminded him that he had to go to a Shopping Mall function Wednesday night, and that I understood he wouldn’t want company Thursday night because he was leaving early to catch a flight for a meeting at the coast, and that, basically, that night (Tuesday) was the only available time.  He said we’d see how the day goes.

  By 4pm I was anxious to find out the answer, but didn’t want to push.  I had to go into his office for some-or-other reason, and he informed me that he wasn’t going to the meeting on Friday anymore, so I could come over Thursday if I wanted.  He apologised, saying that he had some work to complete Tuesday night.  I smiled.  Although a lot can happen in a couple of days, I understand when there is work to do (I just think back to that one night that him and I worked so late).  I just kept silently praying that things would work out.

  Wednesday was another nice day.  Nothing special, just nothing bad.  I like days like that.  I was meant to go to a session with Colin, but he called me early in the morning asking if it was alright that we skip this week because he was going to be away fishing.  What was I going to say? NO!  That would’ve gotten me far!  Ha ha.  I mean, he had the plans made and was leaving for the trip no matter what I said.  I wished him a safe and enjoyable trip.  I’ll just hang around until I can see him next week <wink> 

  Today has been another great day.  It is only 11:15am, but I’m determined that this will be a phenomenal day no matter what.  He has been in a really nice mood and has made me feel like there is actually a chance that we can get-together tonight.  But there is always that little flicker of “it’s not going to happen” that burns in my heart.  It’s the same story every time – Never get your hopes up, but never give up hope.  I guess I will just have to wait and see.  Oh please let this happen tonight!!!!  Please!!!!  Please!!!!  Please!!!!

 

Copyright©JosieWentzel16October 2008