No Easy Way Out

Why do I let you do this to me?  I am continuously hurting myself just for you to pay a bit of attention to me!  Why won’t you notice me?  All I wanted was a friend…

 

I’ve always been a lonely child – no one ever liked me much.  I guess it was because I was different.  You see, I had some bad stuff happen to me when I was just six.  It kind of affected my life.  I pulled into my ‘shell’, like a turtle hiding from danger, and I am still too scared to stick my whole head out.  I even, at that age, had to engage in ‘Adult Conversation’, even though I didn’t understand what was going on.  There was never time to be a child.

 

And then, just when things were going find, my mother doesn’t fetch me from the nursery school.  Now, only being seven, I was scared.  I couldn’t breathe because of the fear that had captured my heart.  My mom had been at a party and neglected to let me or the nursery school know.  Why my dad didn’t come and fetch me, only he would know.  Great family I have, huh?  Eventually she showed up but, to be honest, I wished she hadn’t.  She was so drunk that she nearly got us killed.  Right now my life is worth nothing – I wish I had died.

 

A few years later I met some really cool people. Wayne and Donavon were twins and Bronwyn, their little sister was only two years younger than me.  I became very good friends with all of them, and even slept over at their house a couple of times.  But the one evening it all went wrong.  Wayne crept into Bronwyn’s room like a lion on the prowl.  He then tried to force himself on me…

 

Not a day passes without me thinking of all those things.  It’s hard not to.  Look at me, I’m crying.  Sorry.  Anyway, it has kind of affected my whole outlook on life.  Every day it becomes harder to cope.

 

I once had a friend who said he would help me.  He was a good friend.  I could talk to him about anything.  There was a problem though – he suffered from a worse depression than what I did.  His was so bad that he had to take medication.  This caused him to cut himself.  I tried to stop him by using ‘reverse psychology’, but it didn’t work.  Instead, I realised why he did it.  Cutting is like a drug – it’s addictive.  Just as the drugs run through your veins, putting you on an unusual high, so does cutting.

 

I tried to stop myself from doing it, but cutting is a difficult habit to leave.  Every night I pray to God, asking for His help, but every night I am rejected.  How bad can my life be that even my Creator doesn’t want me?

 

But this I do know, and I do not fear it, that Death is just the beginning – there is an eternal life awaiting me.  One filled with love and care, not like this dump down here…

 

So I apologise for my having to leave, but I found out that there is no easy way out. THIS is the ONLY way out…

 

Copyright©JosieWentzel14February 2003