Rantings of a Lunitic...Or so they say

A Story by Kat

Just some thoughts

So lately I have found that it is best to write out the many things that go through my head. The things I have done, accomplished, and failed. Actually many I have failed. My attempts to find my so called "self" in this world of mis-matched culture. But I should probebly start from the begining.

I would never bore you with the start of life. I believe we all go through the same things. First breath, crying, crawling, walking, talking and etc. No I would make this journey at the tender of age of 15. To be precise 3 years,11 months, 33 days. Give or take, I am not so good at math this late at night. So we start at fifteen, so young so innocent , not a care of worry in the world. Till I met him, the one who will change my life and the course it takes for many years to come. Oh do not worry people this is not a happy ending type of tale. Oh that summer was amazing, so mayn new things opened up to me. The introduction of my first peircing and first tattoo. The relization that I am indeed pretty and worth a good compliment. And the intitlement of "great in bed". Even if I was only 15.

Then came that fateful day, September 22, 2005, my frist real proposal of engagement. Oh how so many people were happy and joyed. And how exicted I was to find love in even the oddest of people. And then a month later to find out that I was a two month into being 16 pregnant teenager. I did not care because love was always going to be there between him and I. I hope I remembered to state how innocent and nieve I was. So has months passed I was happily pregnant. Then on June 27, 2006 my daughter was born. The most amazing day in my life. Only to last happily for 2 months before everything started to fall apart.

Two months after my daughter was born her father calls off the engagement. States he is in love with someone else. And so begins my endless fall into depression. My need to kick everyone out of my life besides my one and only daughter. I then developed manic depression, high anxiety disorders and suicidal thoughts. But no I was a normal teenage mom, just bombarded with stress. Everyone told me that I would make it out fine.

Now shall we forward to present time. I am soon to be 19 years old. In a little over a month my life is going to be getting shorter and shorter on this plant we call Earth. I am still stuck here in a depressive state. But I have moved on from that man who helped spawn my daughter. I am engaged to a very nice man, who loves my daughter and I both. You would say she must be so happy and content. I am not, I am failing what should be the "easy" classes in college, my stress taking its toll on my relationship, and my need to think I am a bad parent constantly. Now why should you care I am no diffrent then most teenage motheres dealing with problems. But I do not have a reason for me to feel more pity. I am just ranting. I have urges of sucide, thinking that it would be better to end the pain and suffering now because I hurt so many people around me. And other times to just run. Leave it all, start a new life that does not involve a child and the need to be unselfish. My dreams being taken rom me at such a young age.

But not all my stress comes from being a young mommy. Oh no, it comes from the person who is suppose to love you unconditionally. The person who raised you and helped you to crawl, walk, talk and etc. My mother does not understand. The typical thought that crosses the mind of a teenager. But she really doesn't. She doesn't know that when she brings of my ex, that it makes me want to kill myself for having to have her support my daughter and me. Or that screaming at me because my daughter is crying and I can't stop because I don't know how is killing me slowly. That the tearm "horrible parent" haunts my dreams and my days. I just do not understand what makes someone want to be so mean to someone they love.

But now I will close this because I have ranted enough for now. I will most likely write more soon because that is how I operate. Good night fellow readers and enjoy me sad attempt to rant and explain my life.