Five Minutes to sanity

Five minutes, from the time you pause in the hallway to the time you step around the door frame and see the light of joy fill them as if it is the first time they have seen a sunrise.

Maybe it is a simple part of your daily routine. Traffic, Pick up kid, traffic, call boss to arrange that project, sync blue tooth again, buckle kid in car, voice dial client, kid wont shut up, More traffic, client wont pick up. accident on the freeway, need dinner, home. "How was your day at school?"

Well, maybe your day doesn't end till you walk in the door. Maybe the sound of the key in the lock is that magical thing that you need to realize you child is there, your family is together, and you really need to know how their day was.

But it isn't like that for them.

They spend the entire day wondering how you are, what you are doing, if you will be pleased with their day, if you will be happy. They weigh every action, reaction, and thought against you and what makes you happy.

To them the minute you open the door or pull up ath the curb, that is the most important event of their entire day. They may say that you embarrass them, they may tell you about how the Cheerio necklace what the crowning achievement of their life, they still seek your attention, approval, and affection.

Or what gets your attention.

So, for that five minutes hang up the phone. Leave the cell in the car when you pick them up from school. Ask them how school was and tell them that as soon as dinner is ready you really do want to hear everything they have to say because they matter to you. Tell them that as soon as they are in the car you need to make a call, that you have a little more work to do, but that as soon as you finish you can't wait to hear about the art project. Tell them that the call isn't as important as they are but you have to make a call because you work so you can care for them. That you are doing it, I'll be it a rather indirect way, for them.

Tell them they matter more then your job, even though sometimes your job has to take priority it is never more important.

 That five minutes on Monday is the difference between a good week and a bad week at school. When you gave them the silent treatment because you were on hold, so you lead them wordlessly out the door, demanded silence on the drive and then expected a daily report over dinner, why should they tell you? You didn't care then, so why care now?

When you didn't have the time for the teacher to tell you what they did to earn a "Get out of homework today" pass, you lowered the standard you expect from them, why should they do their homework early when you don't care either way?


When you  don't notice if they are the top score in a pop quiz, or that they have been offered the chance to mentor another child, what reason do they have to try?

They don't.

When they bite a friend on Tuesday and you have to hang up to talk to the principal, you rage at them the entire ride home, and you fume over dinner....
You remembered them, you ask how they are on Wednesday, You speak with the teacher again Thursday. Well, why wouldn't they bite again Friday. You'll be focused on punishing them till Monday.

And when they fail the next exam and you scream at them, ground them, have a "chat"... You finally noticed them, you finally looked their way. You missed the perfect score, but you sure did notice the failure. Be ready for another eight or nine tests just like it.

When they skip school and you have to go and pick them up, you came in, checked attendance, walk them to class, pick them up in the classroom, speak with the teachers for the next week, and the first day you go back to routine they will skip again.


But the problem is so much deeper then that. And the repercussions last years past the semester they had to retake.

Into collage when they wonder if they can call you if they need help, if they ever mattered, if they were a mistake and you just did the best you could with the anchor that you grudgingly raised.

It lasts into their twenties when they can't understand why their work performance is slipping and they "can't do anything right"
Did it ever matter to begin with?

It lasts into their thirties when they are sitting on a couch once every six weeks to keep the prescription that fills the hole that is left behind.

Into the retirement they managed by a hairs breath and the feeling that you are frowning at them from where ever you are, if you even remember them at all.


And when you are slipping away and your memories have faded they will feel that cold stab, not because you don't recognize them, but because they wonder if you ever really did.


It takes five minutes a day to hang up the phone and greet your child.

It takes ten minutes a week to go in and ask the teacher how they are doing.

And it takes a lifetime to heal from that phone call that couldn't wait.