December 793

December 2dn Imperial Year 793
Mother again requires assistance to breath. I had hoped. Really truly hoped that she was going to be all right. The winter is over. It's summer now. She is supposed to be getting well, but she isn't. She is getting worse. Father has sent for Lydia and Benjamin, I just hope they can make it in time, because if what the doctor has said is true, she will not recover this time. Her lungs are bleeding, and no medicine will ever be able to stop this.



December 8th Imperial Year 793
Daniel showed up today and actually had the gumption to ask if I wanted to plan the wedding. I told him that there was never going to be a wedding as I would rather die, and I slammed the door. I don't care if father is angry. If he has the time and thought to worry over something as stupid as who or when I will marry he should just go shoot himself in the heat he doesn't have.



December 12th Imperial Year 793
Daniel showed up again, this time to speak with father. Father said that if he really had the maturity to call himself a man he would either leave until we pulled ourselves together, or be the rope that held us so we didn't fall apart. Daniel left without a word.



December 13th Imperial Year 793
Mother has lost conscious. The doctor has said that it is unlikely she will ever open her eyes.



December 14th Imperial Year 793
What I would not give to see her smile, to look in her green eyes and see that light as she planned her next joke. I hope that Benjamen and Lydia hurry. There isn't much time.



December 16th Imperial Year 793
I hate this sickness. I hate the vastness of the Empire. I hate that Lydia and Benjamen are so far from us. I hate that the doctor is totally useless!



December 19th Imperial Year 793
The doctor woke us all sometime after midnight. He said that Mother was departing for her final journey if we wanted to stand by her. I have not moved from the side of her bed since. I asked Rosalie to bring you so that I was not alone. I don't need a human. I need a friend who knows me as well as I do. I need you. I need Benjamen. I need Ferron.


December 21sh Imperial Year 793
Just after I last wrote her heart stopped. Her final breath escaped her soul and she was still. The pain, the suffering, the joy, the fear, the sorrow, the dreams. Everything that she is... Was...
It was over. I grabbed her hand begging her to come back to me. To wait just a little longer because Lydia and Benjamen were on their way, that she couldn't leave yet, but it was in vain. She was gone. I remember someone pulling me away as the sheet was pulled over her face.
I don't know what I was thinking, but I grabbed you and I ran. I don't think I knew where I was going. I don't think I was capable of thought, me head was empty.
I just ran. I remember voices calling out to me, but I really didn't hear them.

I found myself here, at the Caged Crow.

It was late by the time I walked in the door, and I was exhausted. The room fell silent, something that had never happened before, and Ferron flew across the room pulling me into his arms and up the stairs into the room he once had shared with Ghost.
That is when the tears started. I couldn't hold them back, in honest I still can't. All I could do was sit on the edge of the bed and sob. I couldn't find enough breath to tell him, and he sat there beside me, holding me. I heard Eleana come in at one point, but I don't know what was said. I cried for hours, maybe the entire night. I really don't know, but at some point I passed out from the shear exhaustion. When I woke Ferron was still there, holding me against his chest. He had been there beside me the entire night. I burred my head in his chest trying not to think, knowing that whatever crossed my mind would be the thing that lost me again to the agony and hysteria. His soft breathing, his warmth, the beating of his heart. It felt like he was telling me that I was still alive. The door creaked a little as someone looked in on us, Eleana I assume. She worries about ever one more then she ever will admit.Then the thought worked it's way through me sheilds that Eleana was very much like having a second mother, the way she scolded and worried. Granted she was far more brash and violent, but then as her children were mostly drunken men, I suppose that is a requirement. 
This opened the door for all those thoughts that I had been suppressing. 
It was as if he knew, because he squeezed me tighter before the tears began. And for most of the morning we lay there in silence as he held me together.

Finally I sat up. I needed to fins something to drink, and I was near starving, though I wasn't so sure my stomach could hold anything. 

My friend, she is gone... I will try and hold myself together as I finish this.

Ferron whispered that he would only be a moment, and disappeared. When he came back he has a sweet bread and a glass of tea. He didn't say anything as I tried to stomach it. It wasn't the food, but the rock that had settled in my very soul. I felt like my insides had been ripped out and torn to pieces. I felt like I had died and was just watching the world around me. If Ferron had not sat there like a silent angle I don't know if I ever would have been able to make it through the night. I was so alone and helpless. Finally I started to feel guilty, I had showed up without warning and with no explanation. I managed to choke out "mother", but the words "is gone" just wouldn't come. He nodded and turned my face up to meet his dark eyes. I could see the pain behind them, his heart was broken, shattered. He kissed my forehead and said that I didn't need to say a thing. He understood from the moment I had walked in. He said that if it took a thousand years he would stay, because he knew how much I must be hurting.

He lay beside me for the rest of the day, holding me together with strong arms so that the intense sobs didn't rip me apart. 

Finally Alder showed up to see if I wanted to be there when they burred her,  or if he should come back when the memorial took place. I agreed to return, and followed him silently out the door. 
I don't remember the carriage ride home.
I don't remember the sun, the air, anything. Nothing but the pain and the smell of dirt, the gaping earth swallowing her. It was the end. It was over. I needed someone. Father was as broken as I was. He just turned away and walked. I know the feeling. But it left me with no one. Daniel stood in silence with his parent, Rosalie and Alder clung to each other. And I was left to stand alone. To watch as she disappeared. I was alone.

I couldn't even cry. All I could do was stand and watch, shovel after shovel.

Then I felt a hand on my arm. I looked across and saw the hate that filled Daniels face, as someone slid you into my hands. 
"I thought you would need this. Now is not the time to be alone, and if this is your comfort, there is no need for you to be without it." I spun to find Ferron standing there. His face grim as he stepped away. I needed him, I needed him to hold me up, I needed to to hold me together, and I knew what he was doing. He was letting Daniel take the place that 'belonged' to him. But I didn't want Daniel. If he was going to be there for me, he would have been there the entire time. I fell to my knees. How could anyone be so cold? How could Ferron be so cold?

Finally Ferron reached down and pulled me to my feet, wrapping me in his arms, in the only calm in this storm of madness. The only thing I could hold on to. I heard Edgar whisper a thanks to Ferron, but he shook his head and said that there was nothing to thank him for. No one could fix this, and nothing he could do would ease my pain. "How can you thank a man for being helpless?" Those were his words.

I could feel Daniel watching us. And perhaps it was wrong, as we are technically engaged, but I needed someone, and Ferron was there for me.

Now I am going to try and sleep. I fear for what tomorrow will hold, as we are expecting that that is when Lydia and Benjamen will arrive.
I just hope that I can be strong enough for Lydia, because she has no one.



December 26th Imperial Year 793
I'm sorry that I have been silent.
Lydia is broken. She can't even cry.
Benjamen and and Cora have stayed in their room, I know that she is holding him together, because he and mother were closer then any of us. I know he is broken beyond anything I feel.
Father had not come from his room, not once. I have not seen him since the burial.

We are holding a vigil tomorrow in mother honor.



December 27th Imperial Year 793
The vigil was beautiful. It was nice to see how many people were willing to abandon their obligations to make the trip here just to tell her goodbye. Mother was a wonderful person. A light. And the world is all the darker for having lost her. She will be missed, and far beyond the reaches of our own family.
Ferron was there, though he stayed in the back, in the shadows. I suppose he fees as if he doesn't belong in our world.
Ghost came. How she made it from Ganderu I will never know, but she wore the lilac dress that mother had been so fond of. I know Ferron was shocked, thought the ever said a word to each other I could see that, just through glances, they had an entire conversation.  It is odd how close they are.

That is one thing. Ghost was not the only one to break from tradition. There were many who wore colors, it actually resembled a garden, and I know that would have pleased her.
Cora in a dusty pink, her dress carefully arranged to hide her swelling belly.
Lydia and I wore white. Benjamen a deep blue. 
Though we all wore a black velvet sash, father was the only one to follow tradition.

I have decided that I will never remove my sash. I will trim it as a ribbon and it will hold back my hair. Mother had always wanted me to keep it tamed, and now I will. With the ribbon that is all I have to hold on to.

Benjamen, Cora, and Lydia will be leaving tomorrow morning, I must rest if I am to see them off.



December 28th Imperial year 793
Father asked me about Ferron today as we rode back to the mansion. I explained how I had met him, and that he was a friend. That he had come several time to talk with mother, helping Alder when he was sent on supply runs into town, and that he was the brother of the nurse that had last taken care of mother. Referring to Ghost, of course.
I also said that he wanted to work for father, and that Ben had seemed quite fond of him. That though we were just friends he had been so kind to me when I needed him, and that Daniel had ignored me.

Father nodded, agreeing that Daniel had been rather annoying and slightly pushy.
Maybe I can finally bring him around to understand why I do not want to marry Daniel.



December 30th Imperial Year 793
Daniel showed up and asked again about when we could be wed. I have had enough of his selfishness. I don't want to marry him, and at this point if I never see him again it will be too soon! I actually hate him now.

I told him, and in front of father, that there would not be a wedding because I would not marry a boy who could not contain himself long enough for me to heal, and I would never again suffer the company of a monster who was heartless enough to not so much as aknowladge what our family was facing.

Daniel stormed from the house, and Father let into me saying that, while we were all hurting we couldn't just put our lives on hold. That once Daniel had returned from the academy he would be a fine young man.

I told father that I would sooner sleep in a ditch then beside him, and father sent me to my room to stay until I have learned respect and have come to my senses. He seems to believe that I am suffering a madness brought on by grief!
I am torn apart, but of the lot of us I seem to be the only sane one.
I plan to leave as soon as the lights in the house are down. I shall ask for Ghosts space at the Crow, as she is not using it, and I have taken all my money left from Ganderu and will even pay my way. I will not deal with this madness. 
Mother said to live the life that makes me happy. I know she will support me.

Reviews

[R Smith]

its been a while Kitalia but i have finally managed to catch up with your story, wish i could visit more often, this chapter is amazing and a literary treat to read, long may you continue to write such wonderful work :)

Richard

[Kitalia Emme]

Thank you!