November 793

November 5th
Lydia had changed quite a bit. She is careful and proper, even graceful. She has lost the slight lilt that we gained from living in the outer edge of the Empire, and now carried a proper speech. Even her slang has nearly faded away. There are moments that she seems much older then she is, and it breaks my heart. 
I know she is my sister, but I feel as if she is a stranger. 

Ghost has been extremely scarce since Lydia showed up, staying in the kitchen and only showing up when Mother needed something. It actually saddens me that Ghost is so nervous around Lydia. We are all a family, and Mother and I see Ghost as one of us.

The truth is Rosalie is rather uncomfortable around Lydia as well. I know she has grown, and she is quite a refined young lady, but she is still my little sister.



November 6th
Lydia seems not to even notice Ghost. She never greets her, never even glances in her direction. Was I like that? Never seeing the hands that held us together? I do hope not.
I have spoken with mother about taking Lydia into town to meet Ferron and get to know Ghost. Mother agreed and said that Father has a meeting tomorrow, so we should go then.
I hope that everything goes well.

Lydia has been spending a good amount of time with Father and has been asking me about my refusal to marry Daniel. I did explain (without saying that I want to marry Ferron) but I am not so sure she understands.
I am not going to allow father's insanity to get in the way of the time I have with my sister. Tomorrow I will show her how I have been passing the time. I just hope she doesn't tell father everything...



November 7th
As soon as lunch had been cleared away we set out to Eaux Reves. I asked Alder to have Mond and Port ready for us. Lydia was nervous and kept fretting over the fact that we didn't have an escort. She seemed a bit uncomfortable to be in the saddle again as well. I tried to explain that I was old enough that we would be fine, and that I had come to know enough people in town that we would be safe. This seemed to calm her a little, as she didn't say any more on the subject, but follows in an uncomfortable silence. I decided it was best that I didn't take her to the crow, instead going down to that place along the beach where I sit to draw. 
Ghost had left before breakfast to spend the day with her crew, she wanted to discuss her opportunity with Eleana and the Captains. She had promised to meet us in town and bring Ferron along, though she seemed to think it was a bad idea.

Lydia seemed at a loss of what to do, she is not content to sit and watch the waves, and the shops in town were not as large and diverse as those she has become accustomed to. Finally Ferron showed up, suggesting we go the the bakery for tea. He seemed a little suprised when he saw Lydia, so I am assuming Ghost didn't warn him, though somehow that seems appropriate for her.
Lydia is much like mother in that she is curious and cunning, and poor Ferron was the perfect subject for her to investigate. He skillfully dodged her questions through most of the dinner, drawing attention to the unimportant or changing the subject, much like he did the first time we talked. Lydia, however caught on to his game, and they were well matched.
Finally Ferron lead her around to talking about father and his company. Lydia adores our father and was happy to drone on about every detail. His habits, his likes and dislikes. The company, and what he looks for in his staff. The names of his ships. The be honest the only person Lydia adores anywhere near as much as father is Benjamin's fiance, Cora. Another subject that Ferron used to keep the conversation on things other then who he was.
Ghost finally showed up after nearly an hour of Lydia telling us how Cora was the picture of the perfect lady, and that she and Benjamine were going to have a small chapel wedding so that no one will know their secret, and that Benjamin is using his position as an excuse for not having a fancy wedding, as he is a commander now, and is about to leave for several months. 

Ghost was, as usual, silent. She sat in the corner smirking as Ferron patiently nodded in agreement with Lydia. It was when we were standing to leave that Lydia finally took notice of Ghost and asked if she was mother nurse. Ghost nodded, but that wasn't enough for Lydia. Instead Lydia bombarded her with questions about mothers condition, asking if she was going to recover, if we could return to Brunnen and escape this Godforsaken port. That mother was a lady and therefore should never have to suffer being trapped in a place like this. 
I could tell this was not setting well with Ghost, and I help me breath. If there is one constant in this world, it is that you can never know how Ghost is going to react to something. I glanced at Ferron, hoping he would say something, but he just shrugged helplessly.

That horrible grin spread across Ghosts face. She said that mother was doing much better, that she was stronger then she had been in a long time, but that the worst thing we could do was see that as a sign that she would recover. 

"The sky is always the most calm and lively before the destruction of the storm will hit. Hope, but know that this means nothing. As for being trapped in this town. Some of us came from wealth fare greater then yours. Politics are fascinating like that. Some of us left bustling cities. Some of us carry Imperial blood. We all chose to come here because this town has something that your cities never will. It has hope, community, and charity. Here we work together to better ourselves and the entire town, we are not caught up on the material or superficial. And if the shallow and unfeeling is the addiction that feeds you, the return to the city, but do not damn a people you do not understand."

Lydia stared at her in total shock. She didn't seem insulted, just shocked. I suppose she had never thought about anything but the lack of a theater and the poor selection in the shops. Finally she said that it made since that a town of sailors would be so diverse, and that if we were happy in the country then we could live as recluses. She would never understand, and that the people of society were not so shallow as the poor seemed to think. Thankfully Ghost didn't take that as an insult, but agreed that it was often the case, that they were the kindest people in the world.

Lydia happily let Ferron lift her back into the saddle as we headed home. As soon as we were out of earshot she said that Ferron was charming, and that it was a shame he seemed like he was taken, as he would be a wonderful lover. I was so shocked by her statement that I nearly fell! I asked if she knew the meaning of what she had said and she laughed, saying that I shouldn't be surprised, she was a young lady, after all.
Come to think of it I knew full well about what went on behind closed doors by the time I was her age. We just put on a naive face and act like the sounds coming from the dark study was nothing. The maid was just cleaning...

I told her that he wanted to get a job within father company and she grinned and said that would be good, that way when Daniel was gone I would have company. 
I stopped and demanded to know what she meant. She laughed saying it was clear that I liked him, and that he was watching me in a way that he at least finds me attractive. She also said that Father had told her about Daniel, and that I didn't like him. Lydia then said that the marriage wouldn't mean anything, that I would be free to do whatever, especially if I was to insist on staying in Eaux Reves. No one would even know, and there was a chance that as long as he was allowed to do as he pleased, Daniel wouldn't care what I did.

I am not happy hearing this kind of talk from Lydia, and I am going to speak with Mother. Lydia shouldn't be thinking like this, not yet. She should still be playing dolls and having tea parties in the attic.



November 12th
Benjamin is coming! Father just told us that Benjamin is coming to visit for a few days before he takes Lydia home! I have not seen hims since we left Brunnen! 

I cannot wait!



November 14th
Benjamin arrived last night, just after dinner. I almost didn't recognize him. He is strong and hansom, his hair short and clean, his uniform sharp. I couldn't believe it! I would love to see Cora again as well, but I can understand why she would stay behind, especially after what Lydia has told me.

Benjamin greeted us all and retired into the study to talk with father, so I did not get to talk with him.
Perhaps tomorrow.



November 15th
I woke before first light to a soft taping sound. Wondering if it was Ghost of Rosalie I slipped into the hall, and was grabbed from behind. Benjamin laughed softly when I startled and said that I needed to hurry if we were going on an adventure.

Oh how I have missed him!
If there is anyone in the world I would give anything for it is Ben! I adore him. He and I were always closer then even mother and I! I was dressed in moments and we slipped into the stable where he already had the horses saddled. He said that we had to hurry if we were going to catch the sun, and set off at a full gallop. Admittedly I was quick to follow. We raced down to the shore where he lead me to a particularly high dune. He jumped skillfully down and pulled me out of the saddle, swinging me around as if I was a child. I scolded him, but he just laughed and said I could easily fool anyone, as I was so small. He told me bout Cora, and about how excited he was to be a father, that it crushed him that he wouldn't be able to tell Mother of Father. He told me about his adventures and how he thought he might get promoted to captain soon. This was excellent news and I told him as much, but he said he wasn't sure. That he really just wanted to stay with his new family.
I told him about Ghost and Ferron, about Daniel. He agreed with me that Father was being unfair and that I should "stick to my guns". He want's to meet Ferron, thought he promised not to say anything. I told him where they were staying, at the Caged Crow and he looked at me with concern. He said that he wasn't sure he liked that idea that his little sister was frequenting a place such as that, but I assured him that they were wonderful people.

I told him about what Lydia said, about Daniel and Ferron and he looked at me as if I was mad. He said that may be good enough for Lydia, and if so, she could be miserable, as miserable as Mother and Father were. That if I wanted that then so be it, but he said that I should be allowed to be as happy as he and Cora are, and that if I really love someone I wouldn't need to have a lover.
I told him about how I wanted to go to the university, and he admitted that he thought is was a bad idea for me to be with strangers like that because they wouldn't know what to do if the sickness were to take me, but that he would send me something to help me, if that is what I really wanted.

We sat in silence for a while after, just watching the tide. Finally he said that he was starving, and that the Caged Crow seemed like a lively place to find food. With that he took op the leads and started walking towards town taking the horses with him.
With nothing else to do I followed.

Ferron was more then a little shocked when he started down the stairs and saw Benjamin and I sitting at the bar top with eggs and sausages. He seemed reluctant, but finally worked up the courage to come and greet us. It was obvious that Benjamin made him uncomfortable. 
 Hoping to dispel the feeling I quickly introduced them, and Ferron took a seat next to Benjamin. The talked in hushed tones for a moment. Something about Ben knowing who they were, but not caring as long as they continued to look out for me, and about Ferron wanting employ with my father. At this point they seemed to reach a mutual agreement as they both stepped away into the corner of the room and whispered back and forth. I thought I would be sick, the two people I adore the most, and what if they decided they didn't like each other?

When they returned though they seemed content and friendly, Benjamin promising to help Ferron to get a new job.

We talked for a long time, the three of us, before Benjamin suggested that we return to the house, ans he wanted some time with mother. I agreed, and as we reached the edge of town he said that he really liked Ferron, and that if I was patient good things would come. All I had to do was dance around Daniel and Father for a little longer.

I can't imagine what they talked about, or what he could mean, but I surly hope he is right.



November 16th
Oh' my friend. My dear dear friend. I don't know what I am going to do. I wish that I could die.
Daniel came today, and there in front of Father and everyone he knelt and begged my hand in marriage. I could feel fathers gaze, unwavering and spiteful. I could feel it. I didn't know what to do! I felt as if I was a puppet, a mouse trapped beneath a cats paw. I was at a loss. And to be honest, if my mind had worked at all I would have run from the house, from father, from everyone. I would have run out into the ocean and let it carry me away from all of this dreadful horror.
I couldn't find my voice, I couldn't run, I couldn't cry.
Daniel and Father took my silence for a yes.
I don't know what to do because I do not want to marry him. I do not.
I know Ben saw, because as soon as we were alone he put his hand on my shoulder and told me that this was going to be really hard to get out of, that I should have had more trust in he and mother. If I had just said no they would have backed me, but I had to be the one to say something.
My friend, My dear dear friend. I believe that my heart has already died.



November 17th
Benjamin and Lydia left this morning just after breakfast. Now I am trapped, alone, and in the worst of places. I cannot marry Daniel, and I though Lydia was starting to annoy me, I already miss her. And Ben. I miss him more then I could ever put into words. I need him right now. I don't know what to do, and I know it may well be two years before I see him again. 
I can't do this. I hate this. And if I see father today I may well tell him I hate him, because at this moment I really truly do.



November 20th
I went to the Crow for the first time today. I really haven't wanted to see Ferron because I knew I would have to tell him about Daniel. Ghost has spent the week there, as she is leaving for the university in a few days. I know she wont say anything, if she knows. Thankfully she was not in the room when Daniel proposed. No matter what the future holds I will always love Ferron.
He wasn't there. Most of the crew was away. They had sailed to Ganderu and won't be back for two more days. Eleana and Ghost has stayed behind, as did a few of the others I am not so familiar with. It was a small job, so they only took one of the ships, and only needed half the crew.
I was actually relieved. I was sure Eleana would have some advice. She always seems to know how to put things that I can understand them, even thought her brutal honesty and indifferent attitude leaves me feeling a bit crushed, sometimes I need that.

I asked her if we could please talk, and she joked that we both seemed to be capable of it. So I said that it was about family and her smile faded. She said that we could, and lead me up to a room on the second floor. I assume it is the room that she shared with Damien, there was a single, decently sized bed and a desk be the window. I can't imagine anyone other then the captains using that, and I don't think Adrein would have the patience to write.

Once we were settled I explained everything. She looked at me for a moment in what I thought was shock, finally she asked if that was all. I nodded, and she asked why I was so distressed. She said there was no reason for me to be this upset when it was so easy to get out of it. The world hadn't ended. I was still alive. My father was stupid, but not murderous, so all I had to do was stop acting like a scared little girl and stand up an be a strong young woman. That if I couldn't even defend myself, and I was going to just let them trade my life and body then I would never be strong enough to be anything more then a rich boys pet.
She watched me expectantly, I don't know if she was hoping I would cry and run home, or jump to my feet and let out a battle cry. Finally I tried to explain that it wasn't that simple.
She said that it really was that simple, and that I needed to stop wallowing in my sorrow and take a bath, as I was starting to smell like pity, and that it stank (though her exact words were ever so colorful).
I tried again to explain that Father was not so passive, that there would be repercussions, and that they would likely be horrible.
She said that I was making excuses and blaming others for my own weakness and that if I was looking for sympathy I needed to go find a grandmother. That I had asked her because I either wanted the answer, or I was stupider then I looked.
I tried to retort, but she cut me off, saying that everyone can break free of their fate if they really want it that bad, and if I was really that upset I would face the consequence, otherwise I wasn't really that upset, and I needed to stop fussing.

Then she told me about a girl who was on the crew at one point. She said that this girl was the illegitimate child of the  emperor's third son. That she was raised in excile as she was an embarrassment, but was brought back at sixteen to marry a military official. When she objected to marrying a man in his late forties she was confined to a single room where lessons in etiquette were forced down her throat, and she was abused as attempt to break her spirit and mold her into a thoughtless puppet. After almost a year she was forced to marry him, and running away didn't seem like an option, as there were armed guards who wouldn't have hesitated to shoot.
The night of the wedding, and for nearly a month thereafter she managed to find ways around him, often by keeping him drunk on wine.
But once he caught on she realized the was out of time, and one night she was so scared that things were going to go to far, so she poisoned him and lit the room on fire, using the confusion to escape.
That the girl, despite being in a literal prison, still managed to escape, and she was even more sheltered then I, and that she was, at the same age that I am now. So what was my reason, because everything that I was saying was an excuse.
Perhaps the answer isn't to walk into my father room and say I refuse, but if I am really that upset I will find a way, and face the consequences.
I asked what all had happened to that girl. What she lost.
Eleana shrugged and said everything. Everything she had ever known, Everyone she had ever cared about. She went from being a princess to living in the streets and learning to make a living. That when you are truly desperate, scared, and hungry you will do things you had never imagined you were capable of. But that despite all of that the freedom was worth it.
Suddenly I wanted to meet this woman, I wanted to see who was strong enough to have faced that. So I asked he what became of the runaway princess. 
"She continued to get stronger, and now she tells spoiled rich girls to grow up and learn to fight for themselves."

I feel a little dim, as I was on my way home before I realized that Eleana was taking about herself.



November 22nd
I took a long time and thought about it. I have decided that timing is everything. I have to catch father at a time when he has to listen. And when no one else can hear us. And I have to be firm, and ready to take what I have to have and leave. I love mother, I really do, but I know that she will understand. Timing and patience. I will escape, and I won't need wine, fire, or poison to do it.



November 23rd
Mother called for the doctor last night, she said that the pain in her chest is returning. I hope that her taking precautions will mean that she will not be so sick this time.
Ghost leaves tomorrow. She has asked that I watch her books for her, and as Father has no idea that mother and I set her up in that cabin, I imagine that won't be difficult.



November 24th
Ghost tried to prolong her time here, as she wants to be sure that mother recovers, but Mother refused. Ghost fought to stay, but mother actually had Edgar remove her from the house. She said that she refused to let such a tallented and passionate soul waste time on her when an education was waiting.
Ghost actually cried.



November 26th
Mother is getting worse. She had a fit of coughing yesterday, and me friend, this time it wasn't the usual yellow on her kerchief. It was deep red. The expression on the doctors face said more then any words ever could. Though he didn't even need to be there. Mother said it all. I am still haunted by her words. 
"Please, Garreth, call our children home. I know they'll want to be there." She almost never calls father by his name, and I have never heard her use his full name.

I am not ready for this.

Reviews

[R Smith]

another successful chapter Kitalia, this story is just so enthralling, i'm hoping it lasts a long time :)