August 793

August 1st
Though I am happy to be home I am finding it so hard to sit still.

I finally decided to really look at the gift the strange woman gave me. The more I look at it the more at peace I feel. It feels like it is a peace of the ocean it's self. I have decided to wear it and hope it doesn't bother Mother or Father. It is a little odd looking.



August 3rd
Father has asked about the trip. I said that I enjoyed if and that I would like to attend the university. He didn't agree, but he also didn't seem opposed to the idea. He wanted to know what I would study if I was to do that. And he wanted to know if my reason was so that I could spend time in Ganderu or if I actually wanted to learn something.
I know I want to learn something, but I have not the slightest idea what they offer. I have ashed for a list of my options. He said if I needed a list I didn't really want to go.

Now I need to figure out what I want without even knowing what the choices are.



August 9th
Rosalie and Alder are back! They are back! I am so happy. And it is obvious they are thrilled to be together. I am so happy for them!
They won't be back to work for a few more days, as they are getting settled in, Edgar and Fran have arranged for them to have the space above the carriage house. It is without a water pump, so they will have to carry their water, and there is no stove, so I am unsure what they will do on the nights that is it cold... Scrap that thought.

Anyways.
Rosalie is so excited, She wants to have a baby already! She keeps talking about how it would look like Alder, but would have such a fat round face like her baby brother does.
I feel so wrong when I laugh, but I can't help it. It's not because I think it's funny, (is is when she puffs out her cheeks to illustrate her point) I laugh because I am so happy!

Though there is a small part of me that is sad. What if I can never know this joy? Daniel doesn't really love me, and I certainly don't love him. And as much as I feel for Ferron, it seems he does not reciprocate those feelings in the least, or if he does he refuses to admit it.

I have finished the drawings from Ganderu, and these colors, these pastels are amazing!

I really need to find out who sent them. I'll wait until Rosalie is settle in before I ask her.



August 13th
Alder and Rosalie are working again. Alder was furious when he opened the carriage, it seems Edgar used it, but didn't clean it well enough. I decided to help Rosalie with her chores, she was cleaning the floors, and dusting. She has a list of what she is doing to catch up from her time off.
She says that we are an odd family.
I asked her if it was because we never acted like a real family, but she shook her head. She said that while they were on vacation they went to Brunnen for a week. She said that they ended up talking to a young couple in a market and learned that most of the wealthy families in Brunnen don't pay their staff. She said that my family has a reputation because we keep a very small staff, and we pay them well. She thinks it is because we are 'new money'.

It is true that we are. My mothers father was a navy doctor, and built a reputation from there.
My fathers grandfather was a captain who was willing to take on any job, even the ones that were dangerous, and he bought more ships and then his son (my fathers father) expanded from there.
I think that is why Father worries so much that we all marry into families with great reputation or are considered 'old money'.

But now that I think about it, there is a chance that he will like Ferron is he is able to see him as a prodigy.
It's worth a try.

Perhaps if Ferron feels that we can bridge the divide he will open up more.



August 14th
I had no idea how hard Rosalie works. We owe her so much.
I am going to request that we offer her an amount towards the inn. There has to be a way to talk father into it. There is no way it is even remotely reasonable for her to work that hard.

August 17th Imperial Year 793
Alder cam back from his weekly supply run into town with a huge grin and insisted that I dress to go to town. He said there was no time and that we needed to go immediately. Rosalie was as surprised as I was, but he whispered something to her and she grinned and instantly agreed with him, to the point of going to fetch my coat.

So I agreed to go. If I had know what they were planning I would have changed into my finest.

We rushed into Eaux Reves, and to the dock.Alder and Rosalie both grinning as if it was the greatest parade we were about to witness.
Alder stated that he was worried that, even with the carriage, we would not have beat them at the race.
I was so confused. Begging him to tell me what race. He pointed to the pier where three ships were newly docked, the men still frantically dragging sails and ropes in every direction. On two of the ships the same flag danced proudly on the wind. A flag with the strangest of creatures standing back to back. One a horse, and one a goat, both with the tails of fish. The other was marked as one of my fathers.
Alder and Rosalie started to wander away, but I had no intention of standing there alone without the slightest clue as to why.
Then it dawned on me. That flag...
Ferron was back!
Oh if only I knew if he was signed to the ship with the goat figurehead, or the one with the horse, I would have been on the ship by that time! Alder patted me on the shoulder and said they were going to the Crow.
I nodded, saying I wanted to wait for him there. Rosalie laughed, I knw that they were not in the least surprised.

The joy that I feel ever time he returned, Just knowing he is in Eaux Reves!

And then after what seemed lie forever he was there. He looked shocked to see me standing there waiting for him, but it was only for a second before his brilliant smile took over, deep dimples in his cheeks as he dropped his bag and ran to meet me. He stopped just short, I had believed, but the look on his face he was going to take me in his arms. He stood there before me, the widest grin that he could manage.
It was actually mildly awkward. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and hold him forever, but I didn't want to upset him, so I just said welcome back.
He nodded, it seemed he felt the same as I, awkward. He said that he was glad to be home.

He called Eaux Reves home. Never have I heard him say that. It sent a chill down my spine. I was truly overjoyed to hear him say that!
He promised he was going to be right back and ran to retrieve his bag, that Ghost had collected for him by this time.
"You should just cut the crap and kiss her. She's got a sweet kiss, I know." Ghost muttered, slamming the bag into Ferrons chest and walking to stand in front of me. He stood looking at me from beneath his veil of hair for a moment before asking how my mother was. I said she was well and then he ashed if I was ready to leave a loser like Ferron. I stepped back, not sure what Ghost was planning, and shook my head. Ghost just laughed and said that he was not going to kiss me again unless I asked for it.
I really don't know what to think of Ghost. No matter what I think to say I fear I will just play into his hands, so I do as I always do and nodded.
This was not the best plan, as Ghost ran a gloved hand along my cheek saying that he couldn't bring himself to do it in front of a crowd, but that I was welcome to join him in the Crow. Thankfully he walked away after that.
Ferron asked if it was possible to take a detour on the way to the crow. I agreed, any time with Ferron was precious, but his plan was to have me wait at the carriage. He openly admitted I was to be his excuse for being late in returning, and begged my forgiveness before disappearing down the harbor.

I was, admittedly, angry. I know it was written across my face, and I didn't try and hide it. He came back nearly thirty minutes later, with a deep frown. A asked if it was fun. I know it was spiteful of me, but I was livid! I had come to see him and he uses me for an excuse.

But then he apologized again saying it didn't work. I asked what, still feeling cross, but not so angry.

He looked defeated. I couldn't be angry when he had on such a face. And when he told me what he had gone to do...

He said that he would try again soon, that he had gone to speak with the captain of another ship, one of my fathers ships, in hopes of finding employ. I asked him why, starting to feel guilty that I had ever been angry. He said that while it was going to be less money and more work, and that he would miss the Baccarat's as they were like family, if his plan worked he would be the richest man in all the world.

My heart skipped a beat as I started to realize what he was saying. He was trying to leave Ghost, Eleana, the Captains, Lana, Birdie, He was leaving all of them to work for my fathers company. I asked him why, though I felt I already knew the answer.
He said because he wanted to be a captain. When I prodded hoping the reason was deeper then that he shook his head, insisting he just wanted to be a captain.

I'm not sure I believe him, though I am a little heartbroken. He shrugged saying it didn't matter because his plan hadn't worked.

We walked to the Caged Crow and he paused at the door, asking me to not tell, the plan had failed, so no need to upset Ghost.

I agreed and followed him in.

Lana was sitting on the counter, Birdie sitting on the stool in front of her with her head in Lana's lap. Upon seeing us Lana leaped off the counter nearly knocking Birdie over and came bouncing over to meet us. She wanted to know what we were doing, and the, in a loud whisper, asked if the "dumbass" was still playing coy if he was finally growing some balls.

I was slightly surprised at her language, though I should be expecting it by now. I shrugged and said that Ferron was his usual self. She crossed her arms and said that if I had any seance I would have given up on him. I just shrugged. What was I supposed to say. Ghost waved from his usual hiding place sitting on the bottom of the stairs. He had lost the coat and hat, but was still in all black and still hiding behind his hair.

One of these days I am going to cut it all off. I am so tired of not being able to see his expressions. I might even put him in white just to make him mad. I thought to put him in pink, but I fear that he would enjoy it on some level.

Ferron excused himself to put his things in his room, promising he would only be a moment. I decided to go and sit near Ghost. It's not that I don't like him, it's that I don't know how to react to him.
He grinned as I approached and said that if I still wanted that kiss we could go upstairs.
I shook my head saying I really didn't want to ever kiss him, he laughed, seeming to think it was funny that I was turning him down.

"Ah, well, if you wasn't so bent on my brother, I'd make it a bigger effort. I'll lay off ya, but just cause of him, though I would be happier if I's-"
He didn't her to finish though, as Eleana shot him a look. I didn't see it, but I could feel the heat burning through me. I don't ever want to see such an expression of her face.

I didn't have so long to  dwell on the terror of Eleana's wrath as a heavy hand landed on my arm. I spun to find a rather stocky man standing behind me. I would guess he was in his late twenties, but I can't be for certain. He asked if I would allow him the pleasure of a drink, an offer I refused. He smelled of alcohol and I had the feeling that he was not to be trusted.
He insisted, tightening his grip on me, his face splitting into a demonic grin. Again I said no, trying to explain that I was with someone, and that I didn't drink, but he didn't listen, trying to pull me towards the bar.

This was when things started to fall apart. Ghost gasped, shouting at Ferron the accent suddenly thick, and voice unusually high. Ferron flew from seemingly know where sanding a blow in the center of the mans chest. The man lost his grip on my arm and Ghost grabbed me, pulling me into the stairwell and stepping in front of me. Lana and Birdie were flying across the room, the captains and Eleana were scrambling to their feet, and everything seemed as if it wasn't moving at all. Everything that is, except Ferron. In three fast blows the man was lying on the floor, his face covered in blood as he scrambled backwards away from Ferron.

"I thought I had already told you. If the answer is no the answer is no. If you are too broke to buy it at the dock the go and lie with the pigs, it's where you belong." Ferron said and spat on the man. He grabbed Alder by the arm and drug him from his seat, demanding that they take me home, that Crow was no place of a lady of my caliber.

Alder nodded, he and Rosalie were both shocked by what they had seen, and were in no mind to object, Ghost was looking up at me, a deep frown the only thing visible as he asked if I was hurt in any way. I shook my head and said that I would rather stay, but Ghost said it was best that I listen, but not to worry, Ferron would be 'normal again' if I was to return tomorrow, as he escorted me out into the street. Rosalie and Alder were close behind.

Ghost explained that the man's name is Jiro, and that he and Ferron have had a long standing feud, as he lead us away from the Crow. That Ferron has a firm idea of how women should be treated, one that the captains back. And that Jiro is a man without any human moral, whether it be in combat or in love, so is is actually not uncommon for Ferron the fly off at him. Ghost also said that despite how he acts Ferron is very protective over me, and cares a lot for me. Then Ghost said that it was best if we didn't come for a few days, as Ferron isn't going to be in the mood to see us.
I asked why, but I think the question answered it's self when we heard Eleana's voice echoing down the street. She was livid, and just her voice was terrifying.

Jiro waile out accusations, his nose obviously broken. Ferron's voice was soft and dark as he stated his only regret was that ext time it was the source of the problem he would break. Ghost continued to usher us towards the carriage as the voices grew more hostile.
Finally, as alder helped us into the carriage he asked if Ferron was going to be alright this time. Ghost nodded, but agreed that he was in deep trouble, and that it was more then just that a fight broke out in the Crow. That he had lost his temper at the last port as well, and had left a man unconscious. That some drunk had made a pass at Eleana and Ferron didn't even think twice.

I asked why, Ferron was always so calm, and the captains were around and Eleana seemed so strong, so why did Ferron jump first.

Ghost just shook his head and looked at Alder, asking if he knew what was coming. Alder nodded, and Ghost asked me if I had ever seen someone raped. His words, his exact words

"Miss, all of you three. Don't say even a word, especially to Ferron. But have you ever been helpless? Truly helpless? Have you ever seen someone you care about brutally raped, and then you are left to pick up the pieces and put them back together? To live with the guilt of that helplessness? That powerlessness? We aren't that old, really, Ron and me. But lord knows by our scars you'd think us grandpas. The Lady understand this, but she doesn't know why, and to be honest it's bet that way. Ferron will take his punishment, and Jiro will do well to keep hie piece out of sight."

What have those two been through, my friend? What did they see that scarred them so? That they would flee from their homeland? That they would lie about their past, as now I'm sure they are not being totally honest.



August 15th
I asked Alder how long he had know Ferron. As I realized last night that he seems to have know him longer then I have.
He shrugged and said that the Baccarat crew has been based at the Crow for nearly two years. That they had been there before, but took a contract a ways out that lasted quite a while, nearly five years. That they left the year he first arrived in Eaux Reves, and they had Ferron with them on their return.
So I asked him how long he had been with us. Alder has been employed by our house for 7 years. He was wit us in Brunnen as well, I just never talked to them. That he was the mechanic and footman the entire five years.
I was also surprised to learn that whille Rosalie is only a year my senior Alder is actually twenty four! That he was sent to live with Fran as he had been caught in some major trouble when he was fifteen, so he was sent to stay with Fran in hopes that he could have a second chance. That he was only allowed in the kitchen the first year, as Fran didn't trust him in the least.
This was amazing to me. So I asked him what sort of trouble he had been in. He said he was with a gang, that he was caught in a robbery but had managed to talk his way out. That it was then that his mother had decided she had enough and sent him away. Alder used to be a criminal!
He said he started picking pockets while he was a child and just got on to bigger things. That his family was poor, and in the city the poor starved.
He said that that was part of why he fell in love with Rosalie, that she didn't care about his past, and that she could take the poverty that she had grown up in and make it seem beautiful.

I tried to guide the conversation back to Ferron, but it wasn't working, I am understanding Alder much better now, but there is still some difficulty. Finally I asked outright. I wanted to know how he had met Ferron, and how he had met Rosalie.
He laughed, explaining that he had know her for a long time, and that she used to annoy him because she was fascinated by the carriage. That he was always suspicious of her. He was so thankful for his new life, but old habits are hard to break, so he thought she was trying to lift things. After a while he caved and explain the way the carriage worked, and the rest just sort of happened.
So I asked again how he met Ferron. He admitted that he regulared the Caged Crow before Rosalie finally 'got her hooks in him' about a year and a half ago. That thought they had been close friends he was scared to court her as she was so young. A battle he clearly lost.

He said that he and Ferron just started talking about a year ago. They got along well, so the would visit whenever Alder was waiting on Father.

He also said he nearly freaked out when Ferron brought me back to the carriage the day I met him, and went back to town to make it clear that I was 'off limits'. That he and Ferron made a deal that Ferron would look out for me after I went back to town the next day.

I was crushed. Ferron was just doing Alder a favor? Is that why he was always so nice?
Alder caught on and said that if Ferron was just doing him a favor then all he would have done was turn me back to the mansion every time I found my way to town. He said if I really loved Ferron I would try and get to know him well enough to know what he's really like.

I was so tired of Alder confusing me. Ferron liked me, but was only watching me because Alder asked him to? Or he was watching over me because he liked me, but refused to court me cause Alder asked him not to?
I asked what happened to Ferron last night, but Alder just shook his head saying the Baccarat's keep a certain creed, one you never break.
And that it was better to be Ferron then to be Jiro.

I am still mad. All that talking and I am more confused then ever.




August 17th
Alder suggested that enough time had passed, if I wanted to go back to the caged crow. I was elated! I wanted to see that Ferron was okay. Ghost made it sound as if he might die.
When we got there I was surprised to find that he was seemingly unharmed, though his hair was not kept in it's normal way, instead hanging down over his face, much like Ghost's. Juro on the other hand limped out of the room as soon as we entered.

I took the seat beside Ferron, thanking him for looking out for me. He turned quickly in shock, asking in what way I meant that.
That is when I saw the horrible bruise around his left eye. He smiled as if to say he was fine and tried to change the subject.
I have let him be mysterious and distant for long enough. I asked him flat our who had hit him. He shrugged and said it was worth it, and he would do it over again the same way. I tried asking him about why he left home, but he shrugged that off as well, asking about my art.
Finally I got fed up and said that he could let me know when he was ready to be honest with me.

He just smiled, looking defeated and said that though at first he was worried about Alder, now he was worried about me. He already explained about his past, and that he is always looking for a reason to hit Jiro, but that seeing that vulgar pervert with his hand on me had put him over the edge. He deserved the bruise because he broke the rules, but that they were soft on him because they agreed with his motives. He said that Jiro had his kneecap busted.

What kind of people are the Baccarat if they solve their disciplinary problems like this?



August 20th
Ferron is refusing to tell me anything about his past or his family. He won't even tell me about what the Baccarat crew does. Just that they are contracting for my fathers company.
I am starting to wonder if I'll ever learn anything about him, or if he will always be a stranger.



August 22nd
Ferron is leaving again tomorrow, and despite our spending every evening together I still feel like I don't know him at all.
I think my heart may be breaking. I feel like I am failing him in some way, he knows everything about me, but I scarcely know him at all.



August 24th
I woke to the strangest sound last night. It sounded like a tapping on the window. When I went to open it I was shocked to find Ghost standing below, he was motioning for me to come down.
They were supposed to have left port that afternoon, so there were a thousand reasons for Ghost to be there in my head, and all of them bad.
Ghost was standing there looking sheepish as I slipped out the kitchen door in only my night dress and coat.

I demanded immediately that Ghost explain his reason for being there. He frowned, hanging his head. He told me that he ran away.
I was shocked. As close as he and Ferron were I couldn't imagine why he would do such a thing as to run away.
I asked if Ferron knew. She shook his head, admitting he hadn't said a word to Ferron.
He said he was sorry, but that he didn't do well alone, and didn't know what to do so he hoped I would have an idea.
I did have an idea. It was that he should not have run off in the first place. I asked him if he had any idea how worried Ferron and the others must be.
He nodded, saying that Captain Adrein, and his crew wouldn't know until the next port, but that Ferron, Captain Damien, and Eleana would have noticed by now, and they would all be furious, but that Jiro was on that ship.
That calmed my rage. I asked if Jiro had done something. Ghost nodded, saying that he had learned something that no one was ever supposed to know. No one but Ferron. That Jiro was going to tell, was going to hurt Ferron.

I asked what the secret was, but Ghost refused to say. He only insisted that it could hurt them badly. I was standing there shocked. I didn't know what to say. Ghost was obviously terrified, but what could I do if I wasn't being told what was going on?
A though suddenly crossed my mind. I asked if it had to do with what Ghost has said the night I saw Ferron and Jiro fight. He nodded. So I asked if it was, and I used such disgusting words. I asked if it had anything to do with the rape that Ghost had mentioned. Ghost nodded and said the girls name was Chenoa.
I started to feel sick, I managed to keep my voice calm as I asked what had happened to Chenoa, and what they really had to do with the whole situation.
Ghost took a deep breath and said that Chenoa was like a part of him, but that she was dead now. That Ferron had tried to save Chenoa, they both did. I had to sit down. Even now me head is spinning to think that something so horrible could happen.

Ghost said that he had gotten there moments before Ferron, and that thought Chenoa was already beyond saving, he killed the man who had hurt her. That Ferron blames himself for not being fast enough, and that the reason they ran away was because Ghost would have been hung as a murder.

I decided that Ghost could stay in one of the houses that the field workers used. There was one near the house that Father never let them use because it was too close to the house. He had bought the land with the structures already on it and didn't like having the field staff so close to the house.

As soon as I was alone it hit me just how horrible it all was. I started to put the numbers together, that if Ghost really was the same age as Ferron, and if Ferron was my age... That would mean that they joined the Baccarat crew nearly two years ago, so this had to have happened when they were Lydia's age.

I was sick. And thinking about it I think I am going to be sick again.



August 26th
Ghost has decided that he is going to work in town, and has asked that I not tell anyone where he is staying, that he'll do that himself. I wouldn't even know how to begin if I wanted to tell. It is all so horrible! No wonder Ferron didn't want to talk to me.

It is absolutely horrible!

Ghost is planning on asking the doctor in Eaux Reves if he can apprentice with him until the Baccarat's return. I think this is a good plan. Especially if Ferron does manage to sign to my fathers company.



August 29th
I admit that I have avoided Ghost a bit. I want to hug him. I want to know how old he ad Ferron really are, how old they were. I want to make it all vanish. I wish I had never know the truth. I can't do any of that, and I feel so weak. I can't imagine the burden they must bear every single day.
I have to find a way to forget what Ghost tole me, to act like I never knew.

I suppose I'll slip out and talk with Ghost tonight, I have to know the whole truth. And I have to tell Ghost that I don't care what he did. I would have done the same. I really hope that I would have done the same.



August 30th
I went and sat with Ghost for a long time last night. I learned so much. He is not that talkative, but he is honest. He told me that his real name is Cardon. I couldn't bring my self to ask, but the names Chenoa and Cardon are so similar I wondered if they were brother and sister.
He said that he was fifteen and that Ferron was sixteen, and that is has been nearly three years.
I told him that I respected him more now. That I couldn't imagine how much it must be to live with that, and that I would hope that I would have killed someone if they had hurt Lydia like that.
Then I was shocked by what happened next. Ghost actually started to cry. He sat there and he cried and cried. Ad first I didn't know what to do, but I scooted closer and put my arms around him. What else could I do?
I don't know how I know this, but I could just feel it. This was the first time that Ghost has cried. This is the first time that Ghost could mourn Chenoa. We sat like that the entire night, Me sitting on the dirt floor and Ghost crying into my lap.

I hope that it helped him in some way. It is all I can do, after all. It is the past, and if I dwell in a past that isn't mine I will only hurt them more. I'll just be here if they ever need me. It is all I can do.

I am going to nap now. I left Ghost on the floor wrapped in a blanket. He cried until he had nothing left to cry. and then he still managed to cry even after that, until he finally fell asleep. After that I couldn't bear the thought of waking him.
I am going to try and take a nap now. My heart still aches, and I am so tired from last night.

Reviews

[R Smith]

having been unable to read this story for a short while, i came back to it today and fell straight back into it, to me this is the sign of quality writing, despite the gap in reading i took up where i left off without a problem, a story that must surely be published and successful soon :)

[Kitalia Emme]

Thank you!