July 793

July 3rd
My dear friend, I don't know how to explain what this feeling is. My gut is twisted and am am angry, but I am also relieved and happy. All of these and all at once. It is so mixed up and confused.

Lydia just sent me. She has turned 13 as of last week and has so much to say. The school, in her words, is fantastic. She is with girls of her age and interests at all times. She says that if their schooling is taken serious, and if their marks are high then they are able to go into the city on Saturday of alternating weeks. She said they have gone to a show, they have shopped in stores much finer then anything in Brunnen, and that they even went to The Emperial Menagerie. She was telling me of the strange animals that are there. Imagine! She says they have a creature that looks like the lizards from the garden, only that it is as tall as a small child and can stand upon it's back legs! She says that it looked at her with such intensity she feared it would speak. She sent me a book of the creatures residing at the menagerie and she has circled this creature so that I would know what it was she wrote me about. It is called the Xiyifi Salamander, and that it is known to reside only on a single uninhabited island on the north western edge of the Empire. They have only found one, so it seems it is quite rare, and it is fond of heat, as it eats fire! The more I look through this book the more I long to see the Imperial City just so that I can see this creature in the flesh!
Lydia also said that she asked Benjamin why she was sent to school, and why she was not warned as such. He told her that they had planned to send her to school two years ago, but as mothers health was failing they had wanted to wait, as they assumed that mother would have died by this time. 

This angered me to such extreme. I know that Lydia did not write this casually, but I am still furious that they would think that way. 

She said that they decided that they had put off her schooling for too long, so as soon as the acceptance letter was received they sent her.
Lydia also said that they chose not to send me to school as they feared for my weak disposition.

I am livid. I am truly livid. I refuse to leave my room until I can be certain I would not strike mother or father. I am so furious that I wish to beat them both! Mother less so, as I am sure that this was all fathers thinking. But I can't forgive that she did not object in the least.

I am not weak, I am not fragile, I may not be in perfect health. I may be small and I may have suffered this God forsaken sickness from the day of my birth but I am not weak! I am not! I am strong and capable and independent. 
Oh' my friend I am so glad that I have you to express to. I know you will not take offence to my rage. You understand. I was so glad that Rosalie left early today, as she is meeting with her family, is is her sisters birthday, I believe. I fear if she had been here when I read that letter I would have screamed at her!

I am glad for Lydia, and I am glad that she is happy. 

I am so hurt and angry that they think I am sickly and weak just because I am small and take ill easily. If anything I believe that makes me the strongest one! I know how to live. I know how to overcome the things that challenge me. Should I not have died at my own birth? They said as much, as I would not breath for them. They said that I was so small I could be held in a single hand, but I did not die! They said that I had to have a machine to help me breath and keep me warm, but I did not die!

I am strong! I am strong in spirit and in will to live! Why can't they see that? Why must they treat me as glass? As if I will break at any moment! I hate them right now. I truly hate them.

I am crying such that I cannot see the page. I must go.



July 5th
It is only one week until Alder and Rosalie and to be married! She has asked that I be there. I hope father will allow it. I suppose he won't say anything, as she has asked Edgar and Fran as well. 
They are to be married in a small chapel in Eaux Reves. They said they want to keep it as simple as possible, so Rosalie has made their cloths herself. She is amazing! I had no idea she could make such lovely things. And they are so unique. Fran is making their cake, and she is allowing me to help with the supper. It is simple, grilled fish and vegetables over rice. 
Rice is fantastic, I had no idea such a thing exists. It is somewhat like bread, I suppose. I really don't know how to describe it! Fran said that she had not had it before Edgar came to work for our family. That is was Rosalie that taught her to prepare it. Father is disgusted by it, as he feels that it is below us, so she is not allowed to serve it.

I am going to take some to mother. She will be so surprised.



July 11th
Rosalie's wedding is tomorrow! She is so nervous she had hardly think. She is pacing back and forth and worrying about what her little brothers might do. 
Alder is nervous as well, he has spent the entire day in the kitchen bothering Fran and talking so fast that no one can tell even the slightest what he means. I don't even think Ferron could follow his rant!

I did take mother some rice. She thought it was odd, but she enjoyed it and said that I had to be patient with father, as he is so set in his ways. She asked if I would learn to work with him or around him and stop trying to go through him. I politely agreed with her.

How am I supposed to work with him when he insists on being a loner? And how do I go around a wall when I am in the courtyard?

I am going to Rosalie's wedding and I am so thrilled. She and Alder are so happy already. I am really looking forward to tomorrow.
She will be off for three weeks after this, and I shall miss her. Still, My excitement for her is far greater then any displeasure from her absence.



July 13th
Rosalie was beautiful! The wedding was fantastic. It was simple, yet beautiful. I want mine, if I ever have one, to be like this. I don't want to do the huge affair that Benjamin had. I want it to be my dearest friends and my family, nothing more.

Rosalie has three sisters, the smallest is only just walking, and she has five brothers as well. The supper was a noisy and joyous thing with her siblings running around and dancing. The only music was when Fran played on the chapel's organ and then after Alder presented her with a phonograph. These are quite hard to come by, and the cylinders for the music are even harder to come by. They are such that we did not even bring ours from Brunnen. Rosalie allowed her older siblings to take a turn at cranking it so the music would play. We asked Alder many time how he had acquired it, but all he would say was "unusual friends for unusual fiends".

I truly love Rosalie's family, her siblings are wonderful. I wish the day could have lasted on forever.




July 17th 
Father has just informed me that I am st spend a week in Ganderu! I am so excited! I am leaving the morning after tomorrow.
I must go and prepare. Ganderu! I have been bound to this house and Eaux Reves for two years! How refreshing to see a city again!



July 18th
A package arrived for me this morning. It was odd, as it was wrapped in a plain cloth, and had notion as to who it was from. The note addressing it was poorly done as well, as it was to "The young Lady Oryn near Eaux Reves" and written exactly as that! The very fact that it even reached me is astounding.
When I opened it there was a small paper box that held colored blocks. They felt like my coal that I draw with, but there were easily two or three dozen colors! The box said 'pastels'. I assume it is used the same as coal. I have worked with color before, but it was oil paint. I have never seen these before. I can't wait to try them! I will certainly be taking them to Ganderu with me.

I wish I knew who sent them. I can't help but wonder if it might have been Ferron.



July 19th
The trip to Ganderu was long and dull. At first the landscape was lovely, but soon it grew old. Our island is relatively flat, covered by a rich green jungle that frequently give way to farms and plantations. Edgar pointed out several of these farms as we passed, explaining that my father owned the land and leased it to the farmers, taking a cut of their profits in addition to an annual fee. The more I learn the less I want to run the business. I don't want to be bound to business, running back and forth, collecting money from people who worked their hands raw only to have their earnings taken. I want to live in a way that I am helping people. I want to know the people around me in genuine, not as a facade that we politely use at required social gatherings. I want to be a productive part of the community, working beside others, not paying pennies that someone can care for me hand and foot. The more I see of the world the more I am disgusted by how miserable we are to be so well off. 
I understand now what Rosalie meant the day we first spoke.
I don't know freedom. I am caged by duty, by this disgusting system that places me on a lonely pedestal where I am expected to quietly look down on the rest of the world as those in poverty struggle through their lives filling each moment with life and joy.
There is a small part of me that wishes that I never met Ferron, or Eleana, or any of them. There is a part of me that wishes I had looked right through Rosalie, that I never learned Alder's name. That I never sat with Fran in the kitchen.
If I was still the same hallow doll whose idea of rebellion was to demand baubles and fancy dresses, if I was still demanding trips to Brunnen or Ganderu as a child throws a tantrum. 
But I am not a doll anymore. I am a human, a soul, and I know that Mother and father see this as a youthful rebellion, and perhaps that is how it began. But is has become so much more. It has become my desire to live. To really live. I want to matter to this world. I want to be a person worth loving. And I want to choose who I love. I want to be free. I find I no longer care about frills or fancy. I want to feel, I want to matter. I don't care about the money the way father does. I feel that if he could see the world for what it really is he would see that none of it matters, his business, his money. Every material thing he has is worthless. The only riches he ever held are the ones he cast away. They were Benjamin, Me, Lydia, Mother. He has Edgar who is loyal to the end, though I can't understand why.

Seeing Rosalie's family, seeing Eleana and the Captains with their crew, Suddenly I realize we are the poorest people in this world.

I will be staying with the Berrett family while I am in Ganderu.
I am going to rest now. The trip, hours with nothing but my thoughts on that bumpy road, really did exhaust me.



July 20th
The Barretts house reminds me of Brunnen. Everything on a set schedule, the staff in matching uniform, expected to be invisible. The Houses on the street all in a neat row, each looking like the other. It is suffocating. 
I want nothing more then to go out into the city and lose myself in the markets. I want to see the ships in the harbor. I want to tour the School of medicine. I want to talk to the shop owners. I feel like this city has a heartbeat and I want to experience it. I want to feel it.

I sat most of the morning and made idle chat with Mrs Barrett. She was already with wine in hand by the end of breakfast. Mr Barrett was hidden behind a paper, occasionally commenting on an unusual headline or remarking to the stupidity of some poor souls misfortune. Daniel stayed in the corner and sulked.
It wasn't until after lunch had been cleared away by the uniformed and expressionless staff that he suggested we explore the city. An offer I gladly accepted.

He was annoyed, but allowed me to take the lead as we ventured out. I had my art kit with me in hopes of finding something new and unusual. It has been so long that I was nearly overwhelmed by the bustling streets. The constant hum of conversation. The smell of the carriages the sound of hoof beats on the street as the officers made their ways through, keeping a watchful eye on a group of children who gather around a confectionery, faces pressed to the glass. Their faces dirty and feet bear, it broke my heart. Suddenly I had the greatest idea. If I could capture their forlorn faces on paper then Daniel would not think it so odd that I give them some sweets and a small amount of change. Though I will admit I wanted to take them and feed them a meal fit for a king.

Daniel was amused by the idea and actually helped me. He went so far as to suggest we provide for them a small lunch. Perhaps his hear is not so dark as I was starting to think...

I have done the picture in coal only, and it is truly lovely. I plan to add color later, as I am tired and want to turn in for the night. 



July 22nd
I was so tired from the adventure yesterday that I fell asleep before I turned out my light. That is one thing I miss abut the house in Brunnen. It was set for electricity. At the plantation we are required to use candles and lamps. In fact none of Eaux Reves has electricity. We are the only family that has a carriage for many miles. Here in Ganderu these are all taken for granted. 

We wandered the city again yesterday. Daniel can be kind, it seems he does like children, as when he sees them he smiles and waves. He went so far as to step into the road and recover a ball during our walk. This is a kindness that I wish I saw more of. Perhaps if he were to see the world the way I do, if he was not blind to the reality of it all, perhaps he could be a truly wonderful person. 
I enjoy his company, I really do, he is kind and respectful, and I view him as a treasured friend. Still, I can't marry him. Not if my heart is not in it. Neither of us would ever be happy, and he deserves to be loved as much as I long to be able to love.

We wandered the harbor stopping at the various stalls and carts looking over the odds and ends that they wished to sell us. We were having such fun that we nearly lost track of time and all but ran back to make dinner.

Today we went back to the harbor. 
There was an old man sitting against the side of a stall, his leg gone from the knee below. The lines in his face told of a life of hard work and adventure. The sun stained his skin and his grey hair hung heavy with salt from the constant sea wind.
I had to capture him. I wanted to remember every detail. I knelt in front of him, asking if he would allow me the pleasure. He looked up at me in shock and wonder. He asked me if I was an angle. I shook my head and said that I was just a girl who loved art and stories. He smiled and laughed a little, agreeing to let me draw him if we could bring him a meal. I was fast to agree, but this time Daniel seemed annoyed. He followed along, but grudgingly so. wandering around and looking at the various shops and carts as the old man told me stories about the sea, and how he loved it still. He spoke of the waves as Captain Adrein talks of the curves on a lady. This man loved the open water as if it was his wife. The sea had been his reason for living. It broke my heart that he had been bound to the land when he longed so much to once again set sail.

As I finished and packed away my things he told me that there was a small cart on the corner a few blocks away. That it sells charms made from things found on the beach. Gifts that the Goddess herself offered from her treasured depths. I asked him who this Goddess was but he only smiled and said that if it was meant to happen then I would meet her on my own.
He told me to go to the cart and tell the girl there that "Old Dog had sent me, and that he was full in belly and soul." It was an odd request, but my curiosity was running high, so I begged Daniel to let me go. At first he didn't want to, but as I was unwilling to take no for an answer he agreed, under the condition that I allow him to pick the destination tomorrow.

We found the cart easily and I was quite surprised by the girl standing beside it. Her dress was in rags, and her black hair hung in long thick matted ropes. Her pale almost blue skin was weathered and speckled from the sun. It was her eyes though that sent chills down my spine. They were without any iris or pupil, void, as if nothing was there. Just a solid grey green. She smiled as we approached and asked what the message I had for her was. I told her reluctantly, something about her was giving me chills. She grinned at the message, reveling sharp, crooked, angular teeth.
"Then I suppose I have a gift for you, young angle."
I argued that I was not an angle, that I was only a gild who loved art, but she shushed me.
"You are an angle. You have left the mountain of the gods and chosen to walk among men. You have opened your eyes to the poor and the destitute. You have chosen a path that is dark and filled with struggle and pain. Death will come, and death will be cruel, but your rewards will be greater in number then any you can dream. You will find that you are fulfilled and your soul will find peace. There is a heaven for angles. You who have a heart so pure. it is for you that I have a gift." She held out her hand offering a small charm that hung from a braid of green, gold, and red. I took it, not wanting to refuse her kindness.
This had drawn Daniels attention and he came to stand beside me, he was as nervous as I, I could feel it. She turned her gaze to him, watching him for a moment before she spoke, Her voice is stranger then there are words to describe, but her words... "You. You have a black heart. You know only your own selfish desire. The kindness that you show is from pity, not empathy. You are cold and cruel. It is your black heart and arrogance that will lead you to suffer. You will die in hell, cursing your own godforsaken name for the sins that you commit. Turn away now and let go of your selfish pride and arrogance. For accepting the truth of the world before it's too late is the only salvation for your soul."
We were both shaken by this woman and quickly returned home. I am hoping that I can sketch her from memory, but I don't think there is an artist alive who could capture those eyes.



July 25th
Daniel has lead our expeditions through the city ever since that peddler girl. He would never say such, but I think that her telling us how we were going to die was more then he can handle. To tell the truth I was a little unnerved my self. To know that I will die a cruel death, but that I will find peace in a heaven for angles... That is a little macabre and unnerving no matter how it is said.

We have toured the School of Medicine that my grandfather built. Though it seems that the school has expanded beyond medicine and is now a full on university that covers many different subjects of study. I believe that I would like to attend, surly father can't object to that.

We wandered the shops and eateries on the finer end of town and talked with many of Daniels acquaintances. I am exhausted and ready to return home. As it is true that I enjoy his company, three days of aimlessly walking about looking for someone he knows so that they can gossip over the most cruel and minuscule of things has grown quite tiring. 

And I don't want to be in this house any longer. I heard Daniel and his father arguing in the hallway just a bit ago. It seems that they are in deep trouble with their financials, and that they want Daniel to enter into the Academy for the Imperial Navy. They also wanted to know if he and I were to be married, or if he had any other prospects. His father asked about a girl by the name of Lisabeta that it seems Daniel was quite close to, but Daniel said that He could never marry a girl whose father was so useless. That she had no inheritance and no future. 
Is that all I am? A Business transaction? 

His father said that he must marry before he is given assignment, else he will be put on a ship. That Daniel has no choice but to go the the academy.

I will not marry Daniel. Not now. Not ever.


July 26th
Daniel drove me home today after lunch. It seems he really enjoys driving. It was a pleasant trip this time, as we talked of little things and about the strange events on the pier. We both agree that it is best we never tell our families of that.
We arrived home just as dinner was laid out, and after the meal I offered that he could stay the night, but he said he had to return to Ganderu, as he had obligations.

As I walked him out to the carriage house he pulled me into a tight embrace turning my face up with his fingers and asking me if I loved the city as much as he did. I said that I loved the people, the diversity and the never ending chances to learn. He stated that it didn't surprise him in the least that I would think like that, and then he kissed me! I pulled away and stepped back, this was not what I wanted to happen. I don't see him in that way at all. He apologized, and said that it was the moment, that when he is with me he can think of nothing else. Then he asked me that horrible question again. "Will you come with me to Ganderu, Marry me and I promise that I will fill your life with the adventure you crave."

I said no. He snapped that I was no angle, that I was colder then the sea it's self and he jumped in his carriage and drove away.

If father learns that I said no again he may just be that cruel painful death I was warned of.

Reviews

[R Smith]

this is a highly entertaining chapter Kitalia, it certainly was a test of your writing skills and you passed i believe with flying colours, i wonder now what can happen for our heroine certainly her life has become a confused affair with her father's wishes and her desire's the conflict will surely erupt soon i'm thinking, this is a wonderful story :)

[Kitalia Emme]

:) Thank you! I do hope that it continues to thrill you

[R Smith]

not much doubt i'd say :)