May 793

May 4th 
My dear friend, my dear dear friend. Daniel spent the entire weekend with us, Well, with father. I was privileged to sit and listen as they talked about my fathers visions for expanding the plantation, bringing in an orchard, and adding to the number of trade ships we own.
I thought for sure I was going to fall asleep. When he finally decided to go and do something else I was so far gone into my day dreams that i didn't even notice he was talking to me until half way through the conversation. 
He wanted to go riding. To see what I enjoyed. I agreed, desperate to get out of the house. I like Daniel, I do, but I don't think I could ever love him. To be honest I don't think I could live with him! 
I have this horrible feeling that he is not being honest with me, and I know that Father is going to try and have us married. Dear friend,I really hope that father can introduce someone new. I really don't want to marry Daniel.

We finally escaped from the house and went to the shore, taking my book and coal along. He read and I sketched. Talking casually about how I loved the water, and how there are lovely beaches in Ganderu that are designed for swimming. He explained that there is even a hotel where the wealthy go for holidays. I told him that I wanted to take Rosalie to see it because she and Alder were going to open an inn. He frowned and said that was never going to work. their class did not have the education or the funds for such endeavors. That they were in the positions that suited them, and it was simply ridiculous to want change that.

I was furious and demanded to go home. There was no reason to say such things. Rosalie is a good and kind person, she deserves to have her dreams. If I have to give her a loan I will give her a loan. I'll just get the money from father. I'll miss a trip or a new wardrobe or something. It will only be an inconvenience for me. I want to see Rosalie open her inn even if Daniel says its stupid. No. I want to see it more now that he said it was stupid. Ferron is right, no man is beter then another until he can prove his worth through his actions. 

Anyways. Daniel refused to leave, saying I was being a silly girl and that I needed to remember it was men who did the thinking! 
I had it. I stormed off into the town. It was his idea to bring the carriage, he's the one who can drive it, fine. I was just going to walk home.

It was hot, and I was not dressed for a hike, so I ended up wandering through the town, not want to bump into Farron, but somehow preying he could come and save me.
My prayers were answered when I rounded the corner and saw two young women standing before a shop, looking in the window as the display. I recognized them from the day I met Ferron on the dock. It seems they recognized me as well, as the brunet waved shyly when she saw me looking. Not that I am surprised, as they are always at the Caged Crow. The blond turned quickly to see who her friend was waving at, and upon seeing me, came bounding towards me. I smiled uncertainly, not sure what I was supposed to say. I didn't have to, The blond took my hand and started leading me along, introducing herself as Lana, and her quiet friend as Birdie. I returned the introduction and allowed them to guide me through the winding streets, stopping from time to time to admire a display or to giggle as a young mad would look twice.

They are actually quite delightful company, the two. Though Lana is a little brash, and Birdie is blunt, almost to the point of rude. We talked about Daniel, and how angry he had made me (though I did keep his name to myself) and they old me about sailing with Eleana. 
She is quite terrifying from what they say. Though I am beginning to understand where the parallel between sailors and fiction comes from. I hardly believe that Eleana, or as they call her "The Lady" can actually summon fire from nothingness, or that she can burst into flame, should she become so inclined. It seems a bit of a stretch to me. I do however believe that she is quite good with her fists.

We talked of a good many things, and as I said, they are very good company. However, the longer we were together the more this fear began to creep into my mind. They were on the boat with Ferron, could it be that one of them where the reason that Ferron was so reluctant? Was it indeed the truth that I was merely a friend? So I asked them if Ferron belonged to anyone.

Lana laughed so hard she could not answer, Birdie was quite amused as well, judging from her grin and slight chuckle. She shook her head and said that no one with any shred of sanity would want to try and own Ferron. She explained that Ferron was wild as the sea and, aside from Ghost, who claimed him the way a cat does it's people, Ferron was not capable of being owned.

Lana, by this time, had regained her composure, and said that if I was concerned about them claiming Ferron then my fears were far misplaced, as they were already in a relationship. Ferron, she said, was single.

So I asked if he loved me. Lana shrugged, she said she didn't really talk to him about things like that. Birdie said that, considering he had seemed to lose interest in women in general, he had either been at sea to long, or he had lost his heart to someone. This only confused me more.

Lana stepped in, thankfully, and said that he either loved me, or Ghost had finally put him on a leash, and seeing how Ghost thought highly of me she believes that Ferron does, in fact love me.

So I explained how he reacted when I asked him.

Birdie frowned and said that I was better off with someone else. Lana agreed, saying that if Ferron was so stupid, he didn't deserve my love. She also said that his first love was the freedom of the open sea, that I was better off with a young man who knew the life I was accustomed to.

It was nearly dark when I finally decided to find Daniel. He was waiting on the road at the edge of town. It was obvious he was not pleased. He apologized for being rude, but insisted that I still needed to accept that the world had a set flow, and that nothing could change that. 

He was supposed to have stayed one last night, but in his frustration he returned to Ganderu after taking me home.
Dear friend, father is going to be furious.



May 6th
I went to town today. Not really to see Ferron. I am tired of the game. I need to know if he loves me, or if am wasting my time. I know I love him. I know that I can never love Daniel. But perhaps if I ask to go the Ganderu to study I will meet a man that meets father expectations, one who I can live with. I feel that Father is rushing because he want's mother to see me marry. He still feels that she is about to depart. I think, at least in a small way, we all fear that.

I went to the shore, I have found a place there where I can sit and draw, one where it is shaded and just high enough that I can see the beach clearly. I was surprised when Ferron came and sat beside me. He never said a word, he just sat and watched me draw for a long time.

Finally I could not take it any longer and I asked him how he knew I was there. He shook his head and said he didn't. I didn't believe him, and I guess he could tell from the look on my face. Finally he sighed and said that he stops by when he can to see if I'm there. He said he knows I like this place.

Then he said, and I want to quote his exact words, as I feel it is important; "We live in two different worlds, you and I, My Lady. You have a future, a life. I really don't. I am a sailor, a deck hand. I am nothing more then that, and I can never be more then that. I will likely die at sea in the next ten years. It is a choice I made, and one that I can never reverse. I will never be able to be the man that you deserve. But, and please, listen closely. This is the most important part. I will be here for you. I will be the escape that you need. The moment of total freedom from duty and responsibility. I will be that for you. And any time you need me I will be here. I will cross any ocean, from anywhere in the world if you call me. Genna. Please, I want to be here beside you. I do. More then anything I want that, but I can't, and you should not be with me. So, please, can we be good friends?"

I was crushed. He sat, his head hung as if he had ripped out his own heart. As it was I felt as if he had ripped out mine. How could he say that he just wanted to be good friends? I Love Him. Can he not see that?
We sat in silence, never saying a word. I didn't know what to say...
Finally he stood and started to walk away, but I caught his hand. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to say, but I certainly didn't want him to go. I managed to choke out that I was willing to leave my world, but that only seemed to hurt him more. He shook his head and said that if I was going to do that then he would have to leave. So I asked him, if there was a way, would he come live in mine. 

He smiled, a sad and devastating way, and said it was not possible, but a promise is a promise, and he would be there, should I need him. Then he pulled away and walked back to town.

How will I ever put the pieces of my heart back together?



May 7th 
Last night it happened again. The pain in my chest as I began drowning on the very air that keeps me alive. Perhaps it was not the sickness this time, as the usual medicine was not working and we had to use the stronger one. Perhaps it was the pieces of my heart cutting into me. Either way I had to receive the stronger medicine, so I feel horrible today. Horrible. My head hurts, my body hurts. Breathing hurts. Today I think I hate the world. I don't know how mother can use this every day and be a pleasant person. I think I would die, or go rampaging through the country killing everyone who looks at me.

I am returning to sleep. At least in slumber I don't care that I hurt and it's hard to hate everyone when you are sleeping.



May 8th
Father blames the cold for my sickness the other night and has forbade me leave the house. The attic is locked, the stables are off limits. He has made it clear that I am not to leave what so ever. 
I can't imagine what he would do if it were ever to snow. It's not even so cold that Alder is pulling on a sweater. He is still in his shirt and trousers. He says, or so I think, that where he was a child it snowed as often as we suffer the heat!



May 15th
Daniel has been coming to sit with me. It has been nice having someone to talk with, though I miss Ferron so. I have thought long and hard about what he said, and if it is such that we can be nothing more then friends, I will accept that. I hope that I can see him soon. I asked Rosalie if she and Alder could help me think of something. I am truly going mad!



May 17th
Daniel came again today, though he didn't come to see me. In fact he seemed to want his visit to be kept secret. I saw his carriage coming up the drive though, so I changed and went down to meet him. He was already in the study with father when I went down.
I had planned to knock, announce my presence, but something told me not to.
I listened for a moment at the door. Oh,  know eavesdropping is wrong, but I am so glad that I did. He was asking fathers blessing. It seems that we do not feel the same way as he plans to propose! 
I do enjoy him company, but he is push and a bit annoying. I don't like the way he talks about 'stations' and I don't like the way he talks about women! I also don't want to hurt him. There has to be a way I can turn him down nicely.



May 
Oh' what a day. It was wonderful!
I went to lunch in the kitchen, as I have been for the month that I have been trapped in this godforsaken place, and you will never believe who was seated at the table. Ferron and Mother both!
It seems that mother is quite fond of Ferron. It was a delightful lunch, Ferron and Alder get on well, and they understand each other, even when Ferron begins to speak in his home tongue. Mother finds it amusing and encourages it, asking questions about the different words, and about the countries they came from. It turns out that, thought they are not from the same country. Alder is from a large kingdom in the far north, Severma. Ferron is from a small island kingdom called Glasvann a good deal south from there. It is the same distance, it seems, from here to Glasvan as it is from here to Severma. Glasvan is just a little north, and very far to the east, where Severma is due north. 
The language they use is quite similar, but not the same. Just as it is very closely kin to our own. That is why I can understand much of what Ferron says when he and Ghost talk. He said that no one on the crew can do that, but mother pointed out that the lessons that I always hated so were in what she refers to as a 'root' language. She said that I am so used to hearing that root language from my teacher that when Ferron talks to Ghost I recognize the words that are the same from two different languages and that I can guess at the words in between, so it just sounds like a thick accent.
Of course after mother explained this Ferron made it a game to see how far he could carry a conversation in his home tongue before we got lost. Alder and Rosalie both excused themselves at that point.

We talked like that for a long time, about languages. He explained how the Empire is similar to Glasvan, and how outside of the Empire they refer to us as Lothatir. 

My head is spinning from all the things I learned today. Now I want to find a map and look these places up!



May 22nd
Daniel showed up today, he was dressed to his finest and had the loveliest gifts, I politely informed him that I could not accept such things, though I appreciated the thought. We sat in the parlor for what seemed an eternity as he talked nervously about his plans fot the future, about how beautiful Ganderu is, and about how our families were on such good terms. Finally he sat beside me taking my hand in his and asking me if I would go to Ganderu with him. I said that I could not accept, and that my parents would never agree. 

He said that he had already spoken to father, and that he had given permission. He said that he wanted to take me to Ganderu as his wife.

I stood and kissed his forehead, telling him that, though he was present company I had no intention of ever marrying him. He became quite angry at this and said that I was cruel for saying such, that he had been excessively generous. I agreed that he was most kind, and that I did enjoy him company, and appreciate him, I still refused.

He stormed from the house.

Father is going to kill me.



May 23rd 20th
Father is furious. I am not to leave my room until I have overcome this madness. I reminded him that there were other young men who were of good standing, that I simply didn't want to marry Daniel.
His opinion did not change. 

I did get a book on the world and fond Glasvan and Severma. If the book is right then Glasvan's weather is akin to ours! Severma is much colder though, and it snows often. 
I do wish I could see snow once.



May 29th
Father has decided to allow me to wander the house again, but he is still insistent that I apologize to Daniel. I refuse, as I feel I have no need to. I will not marry him. I am willing to meet other young men, but I am unwilling to marry Daniel. If Mother was not here to help me hold my sanity I would have run away.
Ferron has visited several times, though I was trapped in my room and was unable to visit. I hope he comes again soon.

Reviews

[R Smith]

further excellent developments in this story, high quality telling from you Kitalia, your abilities can be seen increasing with each chapter, i believe this story is good enough to publish now and i still have a long way to go yet, marvelous Kit Kat :)

[Kitalia Emme]

Thank you!