In my memories you

In my memory you

Red cheeks
Heart beats
Brown eyes
Dimpled smiles

That's how i remember you
For others you may be gone
In time before the dawn
A truth I never wanted to be true

I hear you now motionless
Resting in your concrete bed
Below the meadow you asleep
I above cry and weep

In the silence like lullabies
That's how nice was  your voice
Dropping like morning dew
Meaning more speaking few

your twittering voice Now long gone
Silence became your New song
I try to listen But hardly I hear

you look so bitter without any care

But that's not how I' ll Remember u.

Red cheeks
Heart beats
Brown eyes
Dimpled smiles

thats how i'll remember you.

A beautiful memory of you. - kirty labra

Reviews

[Nigel Newman]

Kirty Hi. You sent a friend request so I thought I'd take a look at one of your poems! In your profile you say your grammar (and I assume also spelling) aren't so great. I'll make a couple of comments about that, but actually I read your poem out loud, and that helped me a lot to see or hear it for the beautiful thing it is.

So first let me say I found your poem very evocative. There's something about a memory of someone being in the wind, birdsong, rippling river, etc that feels much better for us to connect with. It's not about the concrete bed, or the urn of ashes, etc - at least not for many folk. Others may disagree - but your view is certainly held by many, myself included.

Opening line: I'd be tempted to have a comma after memory or have the 'You' on the next line. This creates a slight pause, which I think would work. I also wondered about adding 'are', i.e.

In my memory
You are
[empty line]
Red ....

Verse 1: First I'll say what I think you mean to convey, which means I'm moving the clauses around a bit. "That's how I remember you; In time; Before the dawn; For others you may be gone; A truth I never wanted to be true" You might mean "In THE time before the dawn" which is equally possible but has a VERY different meaning and interpretation. My 'in time' suggests an endless memory that you can call on whenever you choose. The alternative 'in the time before' suggests a busy working person who is too tied up with the demands of the day to have time for memories. VERY different. You know which you meant, but your current wording is ambiguous. Now, the sequence of the clauses - I like it how you've written it, but I'd be tempted to put the 'For others ...' in brackets so that the reader realises that the 'in time' (however you decide to write that part) relates to the 'I remember' not what the 'Others' may think. Final point is the comma on the 4th line - you'll see that above I dropped it.

V2: I'd be tempted to have 'motionless' on its own line for more emphasis. I think you mean 'sleep' not 'asleep'. Tiny tiny point - I think 'meadow' without the 's' is better - say it aloud and it flows better without the 's'. Final thought; I couldn't decide if 'I above' or 'Above I' was better, so maybe stick with what you have. But I mention it because it's an option worth considering.

V3: I think this is better in the present tense, i.e. hear rather than heard. So, allowing for minor grammar and spelling, it might be
"In the silence are lullabies. That's how I hear your voice." There are possible alternatives instead of 'Dropping'. I thought of 'Forming' (rhymes with morning) or 'Falling' (also rhymes but more weakly). Dewdrops are real of course, so dropping like morning dew is quite nice, but again I'm offering alternatives if you wish to consider them. Again, as above, I think there's a case for emphasising 'Speaking few' and creating a slight pause after 'Meaning more' if you put it on its own line. I have to say I don't like 'Speaking few', which is possibly for me the only weak line or phrase in the poem. I get the sense that the lullabies and other almost tangible things are now much more worthwhile and meaningful than words or speaking, and I've been sitting here trying to think of another rhyme or way around this. As it stands, I find 'speaking few' a bit clunky. The best I could come up with is 'Meaning more than words we knew'

V4: Ah ha! A separate line - yes!! No comma required on the next line 'became your new song'. Interesting word order 'But hardly I hear' , which I suppose is why I thought it OK to raise it earlier. I like this. It makes the reader sit up AND it means more because it stresses the 'hardly'. I'm struggling to reconcile 'you look so bitter' with 'without any care'. Generally, people who appear to be without any care have a fairly blank look, whereas people who are bitter usually have some grimace around their eyes, a tightened jaw, etc etc. So for me the line is conflicting and confusing - perhaps this is what you meant?

Finish: Massive assumption on my part, but I'm assuming "But that's not how I'll remember you" is NOT meant to be an added line on the end of V4. I assume you mean it, visually, to look similar to the start of the poem, so I suggest it has its own line, i.e. something like:

But hardly I hear.
You look so bitter without any care. [see comment above]

But that's not how I'll remember you. [see below]

Red cheeks ...

Back to present tense, POSSIBLY, and "I remember you" instead of "I'll". My reason for leaning towards the present tense is because the rest of the poem is in the present, and also that you have already been remembering for some time. It's not something you'll only start doing in the future. However, that said, "I'll" does convey a sense of eternity that "I" may not have. So I'm raising it to invite you to consider it, but obviously it's your decision.

So that only leaves one 'criticism' which 'u' will have noticed. I have used 'you' everywhere. If 'u' means something different than 'you' rather than just shorthand text speak, well again it's your decision.

I hope you don't mind all these edit suggestions. As I say, when i read it aloud I found it quite evocative, so I thought it was worth me spending a few minutes to make some comments. Good luck with your writing, and nice job!

Cheers
Nigel

[Kirty labra]

to be honest i am really glad that you took out time to read it and all those correction are totally right and i just noticed my flaws, well i would love to hear from you more and i turn really silly and really dont keep in mind my the grammer and the tenses. i would love if you could send me your own corrected version of this poem and i'll send you the true meaning of this poem as i see i have failed to explain it well at some places.

it was really nice of you to review it :)

[Kirty labra]

ok so you have already read my poem in my memories you, so i am just gonna define every single line, and i'll make the changes you have suggested but the style i have used here, is all because of the freedom poetic license give us. to mix match and rhyme and just express what we mean without carrying about the grammer.
verse 1 : the boy thinks of her lover, how red her cheeks used to be, that smile with dimples her brown eyes and her beating heart.

verse 2: she is just like that in her memories, for other she is dead and gone in the dark( the time before the dawn) and that's the truth he never wanted to be true. he never wanted to lose her.
verse 3:he can hear her no more as she is in her grave silent and motionless. she is below the green grass and above her grave he cries for losing his love.
verse 4: he tells how sweet her voice was to him, like a lullaby being sung in silence. just like the morning dew, the dews which are so small yet shows everyone how much they mean to the dry ground after a cold night.
verse 5: her voice which was as sweet as the twittering of a bird cannot be heard anymore and silence has taken its place. she is so quiet that it makes him think that she doesn't even care to answer him back. But he doesn't excepts her like this and so he just keeps the beautiful memory of her red cheeks brown eyes and beating heart in his memory.

[Nigel Newman]

Kirty you asked me to write this how I might prefer it from my comments. I think this is pretty close. I read your explanation, and I now understand the bitterness part more. But I found that quite tricky to convey. I felt the need to explain or provide more information so that the read could share the issue rather than be confused by it. So I have made quite major changes to that verse. It’s very hard to be inside someone’s soul at such points so I’ve very likely got it way wrong, but see what you think. You’ll also notice there are no commas or full stops - I think the line separations give enough guidance for the reader.

————-

In my memory
You

Red cheeks
Heart beats
Brown eyes
Dimpled smiles

That's how I remember you
(For others you may be gone)
In the time before the dawn.
A truth I never wanted to be true

I hear you now
Motionless
Resting in your concrete bed
Below the meadow you sleep
I above cry and weep

In the silence are lullabies
How nice was your voice
Forming like morning dew
All I hear in place of you

Your twittering voice
Now long gone
Silence becomes your new song
I try to listen
But hardly I hear
Lost in the noise
Doubting you care

But that's not how I’ll remember you

Red cheeks
Heart beat
Brown eyes
Dimpled smiles

That’s how I'll remember you

A beautiful memory of
You

————

Final point - look at my separate review posting - potentially important … and surprising?

[Nigel Newman]

As I said above, I have one more comment, which may surprise you. Your explanation has some exquisite writing in it. You probably wrote it almost without thinking, from deep inside your head. May I suggest you show it to a couple of friends and then maybe consider the implications for what might be an even better way of conveying your messages and moving the reader. You may end up somewhere in the middle between poetry and prose. Dunno - but I wanted you to be aware that, while I truly very much like the poem, there were parts of your explanation that were equally good.

It may help if I describe what sometimes happens for me. I'll have something I want to 'say' or write. And I'll start by writing a few paragraphs. I'll try and do these with metaphors, similes, allegories, etc as the mood takes me, but it's just paragraphs. Then I might leave that a while and see what filters to the top of my consciousness - which phrases, which images, etc. Then I'll try and write the lyric. There's something in this process about distilling to the essence and being able to express that essence as well as possible by a sort of trial and error. I think it works just the same either way - prose to poem or poem to prose. And I THINK that's why I found some of your explanation so enjoyable. Hope this helps.

[Kirty labra]

i loved your version of my poem it is truly better than mine, i guess i can learn a lot from you. will be waiting for you to review my other writings and i think you will notice the improvement.