Silence (I)

Silence is the first embrace

The girl sitting in the corner makes no sounds.

She has long, black straight hair that flows to the floor, her face ghastly pale from lack of sunlight, her oversized woolen sweater covering her form like a worn shadow. In her fingers cradle a blank book which she flips from time to time, sets down, then hugs her long legs and buries her face into them when she sleeps.

Silence. That is her name of gold.

A weary dawn has passed since she appeared within the room, soundless as a shadow. Occasionally she turns and smiles, a hidden exchange only observable after I had accepted her.

I turn back to the desk covered with scattered composition sheets.

Do Re Mi Fa So La Si

And then, the girl in the corner:

「」

The first note before a song and the last note to end, a divine existence so ancient that no musician can tame, no instrument can play.

Because she was never meant to be found.

Yet, after noticing Silence, she began appearing in my every sight, reading in the corners I missed, smiling each time I turned my head. Silence was here, Silence was there, Silence was anywhere, Silence was everywhere.

Keystrokes entered, she reaps between.

Words spoke, she weaves within.

 “But complete Silence cannot exist.” I kneel down before her corner “How did you come to be?”

Silence smiles, soft as an innocent child.

I am a contrast; for what there is, I am what there is not.

“I-”

My lips are stopped by Silence’s gentle finger, her hand flickers to the touch of my breath. I pull back to a respective distance where my noise wouldn’t hurt her.

Come now, my dear.

Silence brings her book to a close and stands, brushing away her long hair with an elegant sweep of left hand.

It is time you learn about Null.

Author's Note

Please comment! Compliments and Criticism are the best gifts a writer can ever receive :)

Reviews

[unspokenpain]

The beginning is how you would start a poem, but in a story the first few lines cannot start without an explanation. Why is "I" in that room? What room? As a reader we have so much detail about "silence" yet we know none of our surroundings, what's going on, or why this story has significance. But I would say this is very good like I stated earlier. I'm reading it a few times which is good but the more I do the more questions I have. This would make since as an intro chapter if it was longer, but keep working on it.

[unspokenpain]

Very poetic. Your story has a very beautiful and flowing motion, which is great. The negative I have is if this is a beginning to a story and your using "I" as a first person point of view publish, I had a trouble knowing who "I" was. No description, no name.

[JayG]

There's nothing wrong with being poetic, but you're pretty close to purple prose here. The problem is that there's no story so far, just an invisible voice, who's emotion we cannot hear, talking around the subject and providing an info-dump of backstory that cannot influence the reader emotionally, only inform them.

Your characters move and behave for effect, not as people living the situation. For example, this unknown girl of unknown age and dress, came, unbidden, into this unknown person's room. Our protagonist is of unknown name, unknown age and gender, and their location, background, and everything about them is also unknown. So where is the ting to make the reader care?

Your protagonist, so far as we know, never questions, never makes an attempt to determine who she is, why she's there, or where she's from. The protagonist makes no attempt to learn ANYTHING, for a week. Yet somehow, without any way to know, knows the book she reads is second hand? S/he has no thoughts, suspicions, or guesses as to what's going on? Apparently not. He or she simply accepts because YOU need that for the plot to work. So when you need smart they will be smart. When ignorance is required that will appear. But what will not appear is any sense of your protagonist being real, and bahaving as you or I might in that situation.

Story is internal, and lives in the heart and mind, in the aspirations, the needs, and the imperatives of the protagonist. External telling can be poetic, yes, but because the viewpoint is inherently dispassionate, it will inform, but not induce the reader to feel the emotions you describe, only know them. And our goal is make the reader feel.

So forget the past. That's history. Provide story, instead. Place the reader into that character's viewpoint and make them know it as he or she does. Have them notice, think, plan, analyze, and decide, as real people do Make them the reader's avatar, in real-time. Make the reader CARE.

[Kirasoul]

Thank you for your wonderful review, JayG!

My mistake, I shouldn't have included the "second-handed book" information, as none of my characters would have any knowledge of that, nor should they care. Perhaps the category of "Book/Story" isn't the correct placing of these series (alas I cannot find another place to file such shorts other than "Chapters") nor would any of them have Character development. What you see now is indeed a broken chessboard with faceless pieces.

Yet, this is a book of 「Null」. I am glad that you have pointed out that you know nearly nothing about both characters and that the prologist is completely emotionless and blank (as he will not be identified in any characteristic way). This is my attempt at Faux Zen-I am writing into nothingness, starting from the point where our reader cares the most, and thus my title: Null. As much as my characters interact and come to life, I will drag them back into nothingness.

Once again, thank you for letting me hear your thoughts! I now know how I will proceed with this tale 
-L

[JayG]

• I shouldn't have included the "second-handed book" information, as none of my characters would have any knowledge of that, nor should they care.

The way around that is to think with the protagonist's mind, knowing the scene only as they do, and reacting to it as they would. Aside from placing the reader on the scene in real-time, it keeps the writer honest, because if you try to have the character do something for plot purpose that isn't what they would be motivated to do in that situation, they'll tell you, "Hell no, I won't do that."

Try this article. It's the best I've found on generating a strong sense of character viewpoint, and was taken from my favorite book on writing technique.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

[V]

I think it's beautifully written and entertaining. I'm not an expert when it comes to reviewing stories for I focus on poetry but I think you have chosen your words nicely.

[Kirasoul]

Thank you for your kind words, Vanessa :)