LOVE'S SONG

An out-pouring of thankfulness of love as a new day of relationship dawns.

Through the sun-dappled shade,

pierced by the early dawn,

I listen in new, unchecked freedom,

knowing you sing for me,

from the innocence of day,

as pure water

from an overflowing

well of captivated pleasure,

never exhausting my thirst

for the source,

which created this

divine consonance.

Reviews

[viola]

I think you might be a little over-zealous in you vocabulary in this poem. Mellifluous, languorous, sempiternal--might be a bit much. Especially 2 right on top of each other in the last stanza! Also, I'm not sure you mean languorous. The rest of the poem is very positive imagery, but languorous, at least to me has a negative connotation.

I really like the 2nd stanza--the concept of being freer to listen because it is especially for you is lovely. The 2nd stanza then flows well into the 3rd stanza. I wish the first flowed as well into the 2nd. Mostly, I think it is the first line that is awkward. Your subject and verb are backwards or not quite all there? I'm not sure, but something isn't quite right. Then 2nd two lines, as I said are fine.

Does that make sense? Again, I really like the concept, just a little tightening of word choice!

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

I'll look at this, and come back with an amended version, for you to look at. I really appreciate your help, Viola.

[Bill Grimke-Drayton]

Viola, you will see that I have deleted some words. I hope it sounds better this time. However, any suggestions about further improvements gratefully accepted!

[viola]

Again much better. It still doesn't captivate me quite as much as your other poems--but everyone is going to have favorites. I think it is well done, though. I'd consider getting rid of "the" in the first stanza. I think it can read:
"Through sun-dappled shade,
pierced by early dawn,"
I don't think if feels grammatically incorrect, and the words have more emphasis or something this way.