Internally Conflicted

I was heartbroken, still am, but I feel so happy then when I realize I'm happy I start wondering about why I'm depressed and it's like 2 parts of me are fighting

I'm internally conflicted
My point of view shifted
My heart breaks once more
I sit crying and rocking on the floor

The other side wants to fly
Not wish countlessly to die
I want to be happy
Ecstatic when I can be
Unfortunately, these things aren't for me

I try not to think about it
I keep busy with work and school
It's when I lie awake at night
When the demons start to rule

My sanity has quickly faded
My perspective has become jaded
Now that there's quiet here
The darkest thoughts come so near

Still I smile and giggle
I try to let the smile reach my eyes
And I squirm and wiggle
Underneath these "happy" lies

So I have become conflicted
Not with him, you, or she
I am internally conflicted
And the conflict is coming from me