Intro

this is the intro I have written and would love to know if it captures your attention.

As I lay in the cold water contemplating how I have gotten here. Why haven’t I walked away yet? I couldn’t let myself think about what I was doing and the terrible choices I was making because it was just too painful. I was so naive and in denial that I couldn’t face reality. I was sad and lost. I never thought of myself as a naive girl, until the day I realized just how naive and in denial people really can be, and I had fallen into a trap. 

I have always wanted to be successful, I thought the definition of being successful was having a lot of money and not worrying about living paycheck to paycheck. Oh how wrong I was, it took me so long to realize that nothing can define success. Success is something you feel within yourself. I listened to people I thought had my best interest at heart. I felt so much pressure to do something and I would never have done in a million years. I gave into peer pressure so my best friend wouldn’t be left all by herself. I wanted to run, I was prepared to spend all the money I had to get away. Of course my “best-friend” made me feel ridiculous for freaking out. I was starting to cry. Nobody cared about how I felt. They all were only interested in what would benefit them, I did not recognize this at the time and I paid the price, suffered mentally. Hurting someone psychically isn’t the only way to get them to do something they would never do. 

Author's Note

Feedback

Reviews

[Chopstix]

You asked for :I would love feedback and help with sentences and grammar.

In this regard I offer: You seem to enjoy joining independent clauses in your sentences. You omitted commas before the “and” when doing so. Comma omission proved your major grammatical error in this short into. Instead of using “, and” you can simply use a semicolon to join independent clauses. It is good to use both formulas. It is best semicolons to join related thoughts and use conjunctions to join related actions. For example:

John tackled Nesferatu, and Mary searched for a wooden stake.

I love poached eggs on toast; my cholesterol can handle it.

Better yet. Use shorter sentences. Four or five 5-10 word sentences speed readers along where three 20 word sentences. Join independent clauses where you want to slow readers down or when you absolutely need to use them.

Better writing comes from using words well. Be succinct. Focus on using strong verbs which do not need help. I included most of my thoughts on better writing in my review guide, “A Self Proclaimed Style Nazi’s Manifesto.” Find it at http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/chopstix/1883686/

My reviews address three areas, Grammar (technical), Style and Story. Since you asked, I addressed the first two upfrotnt. I will email my actual edit separately. I wouldn’t bother making those corrections, however. The biggest problem I found in your two paragraph introduction was the absence of story. The introduction simply leaves me not wanting to read further.


The 1 word Title “Trafficked” tell me more than the 268 word introduction. All I know is that at some point in your story you found your self lying in cold water (but you didn’t continue the scene), you were drawn into this situation by your friend and a quest for money (not sure how that played out) and that people are hurting you, not necessarily physically, for their profit. Snooze. There are several published works with the word “Traffick.” Your story has to compete against them. To do that it needs to be written well, and the starting point, determining what your story is.

Storytelling is an art unto itself. Its techniques work for both truth and fiction. I oft use the old saying: Fiction is a pack of lies best written honestly.

Your intro, though factually true, is not written honestly. I do not know anything about the main character, her situation or how she found herself laying in cold water. The best thing you can do is figure out your story. This may be hard. Good story telling entails strong character writing. Since this is non fiction, it means that you need to dig deep and reveal your character, or remake your hero’s character. Although you think you know yourself better than anyone else, your friends probably tell you (reveal your character) better than you. Once you find your character you need to tell your story. In your current introduction, you and your story seem to hide behind vagaries. Don’t do that! Tell your story by actually telling your story. Don’t hint at it, say it. Don’t hide important information from your readers. It can’t all come out at once. Some of it may have to be sequences, some of it may be delayed and some of it will have to be cut. Writing is about making decisions, choices. My advise, put the most important stuff in scene or thought first because you may never get back to that part of the story or that thought and the stuff not already in the text gets left behind.

Once you define your character (you) and your plot (the important stuff that happened to you), start writing and don’t stop until you get it all out of you. Grammar, style and even story will be handled in edits and rewrites (rewrites first).

I’ve run out of time though I do have more to say. I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions, email them to me.