To This Girl I Knew in High School

I took a huge leap with this spoken word poem for my Creative Writing class. I don't usually talk about high school to people, but I pulled this memory out of my closet to write something powerful.

Looking at me now, you wouldn’t believe it.

I was torn�"

Broken and scattered into a million pieces, each one crushed even smaller

By your giant feet and ungrateful words.

What was I to you?

Did you ever stop to think about what you were saying? Did you ever

Even care to look back

Long enough to ask if I was okay?

I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t eat, because you told me I didn’t deserve

To wear the small white tank top

That shaped perfectly to my body. Your eyes, glaring at my stomach

As you look me up and down disapprovingly, tell me more

Than that mouth of yours will ever let you.

My clothes weren’t right, my food wasn’t healthy,

So I didn’t eat.

I tried to become something you would accept, something that you

Of all people

Would approve of. I starved myself

Just to feel like I belonged in my size 3 skinny jeans. Just to feel for one second

That I deserved

To wear what I wanted to wear.

112, 110, 107.5, 104. I watched the scale drop to a number I thought

You’d like. But I had a problem�"a disease�"and when I told you about it,

All you did was tell me to

Stop

Being

Stupid.

I couldn’t look in the mirror

Without telling myself that I was fat, chubby, worthless. And still,

I didn’t eat.

Day after day, I ate less and less, trying to slim down,

To turn myself into what you

Thought I should be. I almost passed out and you

Didn’t give a damn. My mom did, though,

And took me to the doctor, forced me to eat.

You’ll never know

Just how painful it was, to watch myself gain nine pounds

In a week and a half, and reinforce the thought that I was too fat,

Too fat to wear any of the clothes in my closet.

All because of you.

But look at me now, look me right in the eyes. I

Am healthy. I

Am beautiful.

But to this day, I still battle with eating,

With wanting to eat,

With feeling like I’m too fat to wear my denim shorts.

All because of you.

What was I to you?

You were my best friend,

But you were too blind to see that I didn’t deserve

Everything you told me. I wish I had never known you,

Been friends with you,

Because maybe, just maybe,

I wouldn’t feel bad

About eating a burger.

Author's Note

All I ask for is constructive criticism and kind words.