Dad

Chapter 6

There's a certain phenomenon called 'Call of the Void'. It's when a mentally stable person wants to jump off a building.

Okay, it's more like that tempted feeling you get when you're on the edge of something. You know you wouldn't do it and you don't feel tempted by things like that regularly, but something in your head is screaming, 'what if?'.

I don't think I've ever felt that feeling before but something about it feels familiar when I meet new people. The things I think about are things they don't know and I know they wouldn't want to. Something in me is screaming 'Jump!' but it's too dangerous.

Even Faith only knows bits and pieces of it. I would've told her more but she started making that face that the office ladies made when the cops came to school.

The only one who really knows is Ethan because he was there. I don't even remember most of it because it feels like so long ago. It only ended 3 years ago.

The parts I remember most are what I've had dreams about.

Every other week, it's the same three dreams repeating.

First, it's the sound of my mom screaming. The  harrowing sobs in between every breath and the  fact that I know she's saying something but I don't know what. Maybe something like "If you let me go, you can have them. They don't mean that much to me anyway."

Second, it's Ethan but he doesn't feel like Ethan because he's not as secure. He's visibly upset but he's using the small amount of security he usually holds tons of to make sure I'm still there. He's gripping my shoulder while we sit on the floor of the bedroom as if to say "I'd lose my sanity just to keep yours intact."

Third, It's Dad. The reason all of this happened. The reason mom left us when I was too young to realize what was happening. The reason Ethan went to court and forced me to realize that it wasn't normal to flinch at loud sounds or have a panic attack during debates or thinking that everything will eventually be my fault. All he ever says is "I dare you."