The unknown short rhyme/poem

The unknown short rhyme/poem

A Poem by Danielle

The sun shines down on the Earth,
While people go back and forth.

Flowers bloom,
while race cars zoom.

So many people work hard every day,
while others prefer to be alone at bay.

while the monkeys play,
the humans call it a day.

no one knows why there is no peace,
while people are always calling the police.

© 2012 Danielle


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Author's Note

Danielle
This was a random thing that came from a dream recently.
What do you think of it? I know it's very short. Any ideas or comments would be wonderful.

My Review

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Reviews

Simple, but a great read.
I would love to see more of your things soon.

Posted 12 Years Ago


This is so simple, yet so lovely. I really enjoyed it. I hope to read more of your work in the future.

Posted 12 Years Ago


Danielle

12 Years Ago

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
I really enjoyed reading your poem, i only have a couple of suggestions.

"The sun shines down on the Earth
While people on Earth go back and forth"

Maybe take earth out of the second line and just suffice with "While people go back and forth". I think it helps the flow a little. As far as punctuation, it can be useful for the eyes: Such as the break of a period, the slight pause of a comma, or a mild break with a semi-colon. Overall its a good poem though! Hope to see more posted.




Posted 12 Years Ago


Danielle

12 Years Ago

Thank you for catching that! I wasn't quite thinking at the beginning and did not see that I typed E.. read more
Danielle

12 Years Ago

Also, I am glad you enjoyed it.
Somebrownnerd

12 Years Ago

No problem, I tend to miss things when i get caught up in the moment of writing a poem as well. That.. read more
Flowers bloom while race cars zoom... Well penned.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Danielle

12 Years Ago

Thanks.
Sami Khalil

12 Years Ago

You are welcome...

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252 Views
4 Reviews
Rating
Added on September 17, 2012
Last Updated on September 18, 2012

Author

Danielle
Danielle

Roanoke Rapids, NC



About
My name is Danielle and I'm in my early twenties. I started writing a few years ago just as a fun little hobby, until recently a few of my close friends said I write pretty well and need to try and sh.. more..


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