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He is confused and my endless effort does not help. I’m lonely and it gets unbearable at times. I really want to work this out so badly. He was confused since the beginning and frankly speaking, maybe… maybe I have just been lonely. And curious. We had sex. I did the last thing the people who know me think I would do. I didn’t get an orgasm though which makes me wonder so much what is wrong with me, not to mention I didn’t bleed. What is wrong with me?

At some points, I’m sure he’s not the one. And I can’t stop thinking how God would want me to act. We almost never talked anymore but then I came across these wise words by Morgan Harper Nichols on Instagram and had the urge of forwarding it for him to read but of course I didn’t do it. We decided to stop talking back then. The next morning I was reading The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga and again came across with words that said One needs to think not, What will this person give me? but rather, What can I give to this person? which more or less got me into thinking that this could be the sign. The words were meant for him to read. I did, though, expect nothing. I just wanted to say happy belated birthday and I sincerely wanted him to read the wise words. I wanted him to be brave so badly cause deep down he is afraid. Anyone would be afraid. And he was clearly on it alone and I wanted him to feel that he’s not alone. I mean, he’s got himself and by acknowledging that, he’s going to feel that he’s not alone and that feeling may or may not take him to unimaginable places. And I sincerely think he has all the potential, only he is full of doubt. He is continuously afraid and questioning himself what if it doesn’t work. Just like me, and most of people, it not working out may seem like the end of the world to him. The biggest tallest impenetrable wall surrounding us here and there and we would have trouble breathing inside, and then we’d suffocate and die.

I want him to get the best out of himself. But the last thing he wants is for me to get involved in his life. He will not let me in. Not now, nor ever. And it is this present moment that I think I should go. I will never be able to change anything in him. I will never cross anything. I have done everything in my power, pushing to my furthest boundary, yet nothing has changed. No matter how long I wait, I will just stay here behind the line. Behind his sacred line. He is afraid. I thought by letting him know I was here would make him brave. But it’s just his bold decision to be afraid. He is thinking that by staying inside his feelings would be impregnable and he would be steady and unshakable. Well, maybe he is right. Maybe he is wrong. Only he would know. When I no longer enjoy this I’d go I said to myself. Well, maybe this is the time. And I'm thinking of how I would do this. How I ensure that I will not again fall for his counterfeit affection. The one he loves to bring into manipulating me. Sometimes he is tired so he stops. And other times he pulls the game on again because he thinks I love the lie.

I’m just tired.