Fox in the road

My thoughts in the aftermath of a school shooting

A fox walked across the road in front of me on a late night drive right after it all happened. 

It was so late that the street was empty. I could stop my car and watch as she made it to the other side.

She had something in her mouth, maybe her cub she was carrying across or maybe it was a rabbit she had caught.

Or maybe it wasn’t a fox at all, maybe it was a coyote. It could be hard to tell in the dark. 

I stared at the fox and maybe it sensed my presence because it stayed on the other side of the road unmoving.

I stared at the fox.

When do we move on from what happened?

When will I forget the feeling of terror, the feeling of wanting to crawl out of my own skin?

Horror in a place that I’ve been countless of times, a place I had classes in and sat in countless of times.

I think it was a rabbit in the fox’s mouth. 

Is this simply the nature of our world? Cruel?  

When will it make sense?

I was thinking of my physiology exam and of what I was going to make for dinner in my apartment on campus later.

Were the victims doing the same? 

It hurts, our entire community hurts. It’s a pain that spreads from your chest and tightens until you feel you cannot breathe.

Sitting on the bathroom floor, chair barricading the door, listening to the police scanner, hanging on the edge of every sentence. Waiting.

Waiting as you try to fully grasp what is happening, trying to understand that it’s not a nightmare.

Gripping my roommate's hand with silent tears rolling down our faces as we wait.

What will it be like now? Like driving on an empty street at night, when familiar places look slightly different?

How can you go back to your day to day life, to a place where so much bad had happened?

Headlights shone behind me, I turned away from the fox and drove on.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

I can not contemplate the horror of such an experience. We had the Dunblane school shooting in Scotland many years ago, but new laws were introduced afterwards and we haven’t had a repeat since that time. Must be twenty years ago now. Yes, how do you stop thinking about it. Are you ever able to move on? Does the fear stay with you? So many questions. I find the natural environment healing. It is something else to think about. I liked how you started off your narrative with the fox before the unthinkable happened. Thank you for sharing.

[Kiara Winnow]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I’ve found that writing and taking frequent walks in the woods have given me a lot of comfort and has helped in processing.

[John the Baptist]

There are different kinds of predators. The fox was simply following instinct. Mass murderers follow something warped within themselves. How one recovers from such an event I cannot say. All I can say is I wish you the best of fortune.

[Kiara Winnow]

Thank you for commenting. For some reason, this fox has stuck with me as a sign while processing. I appreciate you taking the time.