hiding behind a smile

I've beaten and abused in several ways
By the man of the house and my brothers
My mother ignores me
"she doesn't understand why I am the way I am"
I've attempted suicide on more than one occasion
"so I hide everything behind a smile"
Because at the end of the day I know no one will care if I told them
I'm jokester and I make other people laugh to hide my depression "I've taking pills to help but it was only temporary"
I've become afraid of myself and I'm scared because I don't know what to do with myself
I ended attempting suicide one last time "it didn't work"
I finally told my doctor about my suicide attempts "that was the first real time I've cried in front of someone"
It was so hard for me to let my emotions be free and out in the open
"I hated it so much"
But I realized I had a problem and I needed help "I was hiding behind a smile"
Hiding my tears
Hiding my fears
Hiding my scars with sleeves
Not telling anyone about being abused and ignored ... Though I know I'm going to hate every moment of letting go "I know I don't want to feel pain anymore"
I don't need to escape by using suicide as my tool "I needed help that I could only give myself"
It's worth it