I Don't Love You

Everyone can relate to this a little...

 

 

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

 

He was standing in the door and I was on the other side of the bed, forcing back the tears, pretending it didn't hurt.

 

"I don't love you like that anymore."

 

And then he closed the door and I sat on the bed, my knees knocking, my lip quivering, the tears dripping down my cheeks. I had always been determined not to let him see me cry and he wasn't going to see me cry now. If he walked back in, I would face the window, opposite the door, and pretend not to care. I was good at that. I always managed to hide my feelings well enough and pretend that nothing mattered. I always wore a mask.

 

It wouldn't be any different this time.

 

When you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

 

I only wished that he had left earlier, before I had grown so attached. If he had, I wouldn't feel like all of the blood and tears pouring from my heart were drowning me. And I did...I do love him, with all of myself...but...If he came back, he wouldn't be welcome here anymore. I wouldn't greet him with open arms or beg him to come back to me.

 

I was tired of waiting for him, tired of changing to suit him. Just tired of everything he asked of me and made me do. In time, he would realize how much I had really cared and how much I had sacrificed for him. However, by that time, it would be too late.

 

And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

 

But the words still stung like an open wound.

 

I don't love you like that anymore.

 

 

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

 

And then I cried, and not quietly either. Loud and harsh and painful sobs, and I fell onto the bed, wishing that I hadn't let him walk out the door. Part of me wished I had tried to convince him to stay and try to love me again. Part of me wished he was there, with his arm around my shoulder, holding me to him and whispering comfort in my ear. But all I felt was the cold of the room rubbing harshly up against my arm and neck and face, so slick and moist with the tears shed. My chest heaved heavily and a pain spread throughout my body, both physical and emotion, and I felt like giving up.

 

I felt like going to sleep and never waking up. Just giving up. I would never be good enough for him, even when I was.

 

I'd hoped he'd find happiness with those other girls, who would never appreciate him like I do.

 

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you down and out
It's where you oughta stay

 

I closed my eyes, tried to drown out the world, and looked for the warmth inside of myself. I sought the flame of my life that kept burnining even when I was feeling broken and hopeless. All I found was a stream of white smoke in utter darkness, and I knew I was alone. Nothing could ever compare to how hurt and lonely I felt at that moment, and nothing ever would. The light had always been my reason for living and now, the reason had walked right out the door, without looking back.

 

I opened my eyes again, raising a frigid hand to wipe away the tears, even though I knew it was useless. New ones would just free themselves from my eyes to travel down the same paths as those that had come before them. There was no point in trying to stop them...but I had to go on with my life. I had to put my mask back on and pretend, like always, that I was fine. I didn't have the time to be upset and no one would care anyway.

 

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can

 

Sitting up on my bed, I looked toward the window. The weather suited my mood perfectly. Dark clouds and heavy rain. Cold as winter.

 

The window's glass was fogged up and, as I passed by, I wrote something with my finger, wiping the moisture off onto my pants, before starting for the bathroom, so I could wash my face.

 

Could anyone love something that's broken?

 

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"?

 

The whole house was quiet...so quiet I could almost hear each individual rain drop hitting the roof. I just wanted to drown out the sound of the rain, so similar to the tears that wanted so desperately to fall from my lids. The steam exited from the shower and fogged up the mirror. I let my fingers run across the glass, revealing my reflection once more. Red eyes, swollen lids, and creased brows. How I hated my reflection.

 

Well come on, come on

 

The mirror fogged up again, but I let it be, climbing into the shower and letting the warmth of the water melt my frozen exterior, by barely budging my frigid insides. Nothing would ever make me like I used to be.

 

After my shower, I dressed, getting ready to head out onto the town and start the day I should have begun hours ago, only, this time, I would be starting it alone. No good-bye kiss when I left the house, no warm smile waiting for me when I got home, no warm embrace to look forward to that night...no....nothing.

 

I don't love you like that anymore

 

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved
Yesterday"

 

The rain wasn't as heavy when I started onto the sidewalk. I didn't mind the rain. My hair was already wet and I couldn't feel any colder than I already did. I didn't even notice the wet seeping into my clothes from the falling rain.

 

However, I did see him. I did notice him. He was walking down the sidewalk, coming toward me. Well, no, not coming toward me. He wasn't even looking at me. What was the point of pretending that he might be coming back to me?

 

I don't love you like I did yesterday

 

I held back the tears once more just in case he chanced a glance upward. But he didn't and started to walk toward him. Well, no, not toward him. I wouldn't ever walk toward him again. Not in the way I used to him.

 

I don't love you like I loved you yesterday

 

And then we walked past each other and out of each other's lives.

 

 

Lyrics © My Chemical Romance.