therapy

I sit here Ma in my dark apartment with my two fury beasts crying.

I sit on the bare floor, filthy because I feel as though I have nothing left and I beg you to speak to me.

I'm in this circle, chasing my tale.  My relationships crash and burn, because I set fire to everything.

My emotions never seem to settle.  Why can't I get beyond this self deprivation?  Inflicting serious agony so that I can feel.

I feel and feel until I am numb and then again I start up another cycle.

Ma, please give me some hope there could be more for me than this...this endless spin.

A relationship over ten years and I cannot seem to shake the neglect.  She gave me nothing and I gave her all that I could because I thought it would let me see something more, something real and true.  

I seem to accept less every time.

Why can't I love myself?  Why must I punish myself?

I wonder if these are demons on the outside or just the ones I have been hiding inside.

Projecting their darkness onto the faces of lovers and friends.

I am so mixed with emotions I am blended into the walls and losing myself yet again.

No one is safe when I am in this mood, and this mood seems to be half of me.