this saved me

9.20.21

1.12pm

Dear me,

>> You need someone to say these words: you are good. You are a good daughter, a good sister. “Good”, as in all the things you’ve never felt you were, you never felt good enough. You are good enough, more than good enough. Losing Lillian was never your fault. Losing Neesa, and Monira, and Savitri was never your fault. It was time to be without them, and there will be a time when you will see them again. Even if you don’t, it was time. Never deny time, don’t deny the end, for it will come and keep coming until one day, you will end too… do not die a bitter person. Love the ones around you, love yourself, sadness isn’t chronic, even if it is, and I’m pretty sure it is coz this world is growing into the things we can only dream of- even if sadness is chronic, and what then? What if sadness is chronic, then what? Will you die because of it? Suicide is a thing we’ve always struggled with. Making sense of reality, distinguishing it form our dreams, being- existing is so hard when you’re not even sure that you’re existing. Slowly and slowly, we are folding back into mother, she is no dream, she is the only real thing we both have ever experienced. Her love is pure, we came from her womb, did we not- it would be a biased opinion, would it not? But if Mother isn’t real, then what is? I can comprehend so much, but comprehending reality is still so hard to do. It isn’t enough to consciously love mother, we have to help her, she needs help, they both need help, mother, AND father.

>> you are not a tool; you are not a washed up somebody, You are not a college reject, you are not useless, you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… you are not… ||| you are not the things you say you are out of anger; rage, fury, frustration, and on and on and on…

>> you are more than what you see in the mirror, more than what others have said of you, more than their expectations, and more than your weight. You are more than your body, more than the food, more than the poetry, more than the fear, more than anything and everything any one person can say about you. You are much more than all of these things combined.

.

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Take heart,

Keep faith,

Don’t lose hope,

We are stronger; together,

The past is needed to understand the present,

The past and present is needed to understand the future,

We are united in our continuity,

This is how God has decreed it to be,

[11.3.21] with this in mind, blessed be all your dreams… for they will come true one day soon-