pregnant

A Poem by FaeryQueen

10.01.21

11.16am

Ali

Cora

Khat

Melinda

Beth

Dodie

Lia

Selene

Kelly

Olive

Evan

⊰∙∘☽.

My stomach was hurting again,

So, my mother offered to rub oil on it,

I obliged.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽�"☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

As I lay there,

She began talking,

And my mind raced with all the things I’ll never be able to ask, or tell her,

☽�"☾

[did she think I was pregnant?

Why was she and father so wary whenever I’d tell her I’d be in the backyard with my brother?

What did they know of him other than what I know of him?

Don’t we know the same person

[but not, as he is their son, and my brother- and both are not the same]?

Why did they both [mother and father] belittle me, berate me, degrade me, humiliate me

[but it is more humiliating for a father to be humiliated in his own home than any other member of the family- or so I assume for it to be so]?

Why was I more focused on the father [of the baby and not on the baby itself]?

Why didn’t I-

☽�"☾

In the chaos of the Eye [of the storm that was May �" September 2020 (but never really emotionally ended) ], I fell apart,

I never meant to, but did anyways,

☽�"☾

⋅•⋅

☽�"☾

As she was talking and rubbing oil on me, I was dictating this poem,

In my mind, there was a storm brewing,

A storm of emotion, and sadness,

I cried and I cried,

And it felt like time was being stretched on its side, as each syllable was drawn out,

I just remember how fast I was thinking,

And how they raced through my mind, as if they were too afraid to rest,

My heart was steady, or as terrified as I was and ran with my thoughts �" it too �" afraid of rest,

∘∙

I thought for a moment that I was able to console my mother about these terrors,

But again- my heart refused, as it has done many times,

As mother talked,

And assumed,

The seconds raced by and, she could see I was crying, she assumed I was crying because of something other than what I was crying about,

Oh- how my heart ached because I couldn’t tell her,

I couldn’t tell her all the things that were on my mind,

All because of my fragility,

∘∙

After a while,

The tears subsided,

And I learned how to breathe again,

Now that it’s over, I miss the tiny cabin,

I want to go back,

And hide,

And be invisible,

I want it to be over,

I want to be in the background �"

∘∙

My breaths were coming in shallow rivers,

And when the storm cleared, and I was again able to breathe,

I closed my eyes and practiced breathing until it was all I knew

We’re not sure what happened next…

If they got up and went back to their room, or went downstairs for food… [Selene]

© 2021 FaeryQueen

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Reviews

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada

This is a very fascinating read and at times felt erratic as if reading a thread from a text. It really drew me in with so much going on within this work. It left me feeling like a voyeur looking through a camera at a life in disarray. Its manic perspective is one that I could relate to in some way. I felt like I was putting together a puzzle with some pieces missing in order to complete the image,which life basically is. This poem really captured my attention with its emotion. Wonderful work Khat.