“Disparage, tears, growth, and the lock…”

A Poem by FaeryQueen

9.14.21

8.30am

[the following events are not in chronological order]

Khat

Raymond

Cora

Ali

Kelly

Kay

Dodie

Kit

**************************************************

“disparage”

I asked a question that triggered my mother,

The old me resurfaced, but then I drowned her,

I explained as best I could, and was met with reward as we both came to an understanding about the situation,

A guy (friend of the family) asked me once if I get social security checks,

We were at Jetro with my dad and him, buying grocery items for his mother and father, my dad had stepped out for some time, and he got me alone and asked questions,

I didn’t know what those were (I’m gonna look them up later, I just wanted to share the moments that happened just now while they’re fresh in my mind),

Not knowing, I said the honest truth, that I didn’t,

He then suggested I should apply for them, after asking me if I had a disability (and I said yes, coz I did. In the past, as a kid, my muscle mass was extremely low),

I didn’t know any more of the subject, so the conversation ended,

My father came into the bubble and he brought it up.

He didn’t appreciate it,

Started talking to him in a condescending tone,

He asked coz he too had a disability,

And hearing my dad talk to him that way made my heart sink,

My mother too felt offense,

But now I get it,

When you’re a parent, you see no faults in your kid,

And him asking was basically him insinuating there was something wrong with me,

But I didn’t see it that way,

Thankfully, before I spat more words I’d regret,

I understood the whole thing,

********************************************************

“growth”

After falling out of my skin on countless occasions, a new regime was underway,

In the areas that I would get angry, I held my face aloft and wiped my tears, “you don’t know the context of her frustration, don’t lash out because of it”,

I created a new narrative, one of deep healing and understanding,

And so, as I was lain there, on my side in bed,

I calmly explained to mother that from the child’s point of view, I didn’t take it as offensively as she did

*************************************************************

“tears”

Mother explained how much she loves me,

And I still haven’t fully comprehended it,

I’m quite sure she barely finished,

I felt her heartbeat outside of her clothes,

It sounded like the first song I heard while in her womb,

As she cried, I was left to my thoughts,

Flashes of scenes flew across my eyes and-,

Had it not been for her, I don’t think I would even be here,

Think of it,

When I am sad, I hide inside of myself,

When I am angry, I am angry at the world and its people,

When I am happy, the universe rejoices with me- the sun, moon and stars all swarm around me, maintaining the momentum, storing the excess to use for another time when I am needing of it,

I have almost gone over the edge,

Countless times,

Over and over, I peer over the rails just to be sure the ground is still there, a 50 ft drop does not phase me anymore,

Each time I lean over, mother is always there to pull me back,

And so, while I was there with her, as she was telling me how much she loves me, refuting all possibility that there could be anything wrong with me,

And that I couldn’t possibly need social security checks because that’s only for people that really need it,

We were both crying,

Our tears filling up the others as we embraced,

*******************************************

“The lock”

For too long, after my grand escape, the lock was pulled out of my door, even after those months of repentance, the lock remained out,

Not having a lock on my door, further triggered my fear and paranoia,