“gruesome smile”

“Gruesome smile”

9.18.21

1.28pm

.

Why are you still punishing me?

Does it bring you joy?

.

Coz the way I see it,

It only makes me afraid of myself,

.

I am a lie, aren’t I?

My existence doesn’t matter,

And I will die with my sins, no amount of prayer, or repentance will ever rid me of them,

.

I am 23 this year,

And my history of running away for the purposes of, “I love him”, and “I’ve never been on a date before”, and “adventure; just coz” will always be held against me,

I am 23 this year, unable to go outside on my own coz I can’t be trusted,

Before loving Kelly, I had social media,

Before loving Kelly, my nymphomania was the worst that it could be,

Before loving Kelly, my ego was impenetrable,

.

I think I’ve done well by loving Kelly,

I no longer have social media,

And I am the happiest that I’ve ever been regarding social media,

I’ve quickly realized that even if I tried my hardest, I would’ve never had been able to quit it on my own,

.

Nobody trusts me,

I feel low today, and going outside helps with that and my dad is busy,

And my sister is busy, you have no idea how much it hurts to rely on others to do what you need to do to feel good,

That’s why I wish to do things on my own,

My parents keep telling me they can take me,

----------------------------------------------------------------

The red seagulls bathe in my blood,

Eating the organs that have called my body home for as long as they can remember,

Why can’t I do anything right,

I didn’t even send a warning signal,

I didn’t even let them know beforehand

.

I am the storm,

I destroyed your homes,

I killed those people,

I drowned them,

It was me!

it was me!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

it was me,

Imprison me,

Coz I did sorcery and I brought about those storms,

I am the rage,

I caused the suffering,

It was me!

--------------------------------------------------------

The poison seeps into my skin,

Numbing my mind,

I am the prisoner of my own mind,

Don’t move,

Don’t try to control it,

.

Don’t move,

Don’t try to control it,

---------------------------------------------------------

Don’t move,

Don’t try to control it,

…

….

..-

…,

…,

--,

….,