>> the lady in the lake cannot take this much heartache

tsed

"the final note" khatoon hazara ||| 6:58pm mon. 4.8.19

what is it you want to say

are you nervous, what's going through your mind

that's basically what i mean, i mean; i don't even know [laughs]

how do you-

justify-

what's happening now...

it's not something i wanna be a part of, it's like, you have to be a part of it, you know, like-

it's not something i can word-

than why are you even-

I'M TRYING OT MAKE SENSE OF REALITY AND KNOWING WHAT IT IS I-

[breathes]

this should be a long poem, it should state EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING

that's what we're doing [chuckles mirthlessly]

you know-

yeah, we know, but they don't

this is what i want

it's something i knew from the start of telling you guys... i just knew you wouldn't understand because you're not in my head, and you don't know what i think about and you think you do but you don't and that's OK but we're family and you made it seem as if it wasn't but i'm telling you its OK!!!

i am going to hopefully open up like i've never opened up to you before, it's easy to open up

with other but it's so * hard to open up to you because you DON'T WANT TO GET WHAT GOES IN IN MY HEAD

and

i'm not saying anything here

just that

im not gonna sit here and say what these americans say and express how much i despise you guys coz you dont wanna know me or get me or know what's in my head, and even if thats what im insinuating im doing, i dont mean to... and im not erasing anything, im not editing anything out because i find it too explicit, im, i don't know, i do-

it's ok, breathe

[deep breath]

im not the victim, im not gonna play that, i dont-

in school id sit myself out of every happening that- i forgot i existed, this is something that went on inside of my head and its something that you had no idea about, how-

how do i change that?

god this house makes me feel like *

in time they'll all see im a sort of angel, that i was sent from heaven to do good things and they'll say things like "who, her, why she could never do something so terrible" i have people that dont even talk to me anymore and i just found out that it isnt me

how do i stop being angry all the time

i can take time for myself all i want yet i cannot stop this anger inside of me

when i stick, i stick and its different for me coz im a girl and its so different and you're just

expected to accept that and ive been bottling this in for so long and its so toxic for me to keep inside but i have no one to share this with and i find that there is comfort in the internet and with strangers, you can tell the world how you feel, even when you feel you're being silenced and with this i have the most knowledge coz im so well versed in my silence

i dont think i'll finish

it wont seem right to finish coz this is a never ending poem

and it'll haunt me more than it'll ever do you

im not-

done

talking about the way i feel, and im not sure if i'll ever be done talking about my woes

coz i have so many of them and you just go on and think im over dramatizing everything

coz thats what i usually do

this isnt a lament and how dare you embody a lament and compare it to this

take a breath

here-

just..

pause.