Dear Mr. Skeptic

ots

I have an identity disorder; and no one believes me.

See it like this: you are home, with plans of a family gathering looming before you.

It is 2 hours before the 'go' time.

Your are in your room, dreading going.

You do not wish to go, to leave the comfort of your home, your room; and as ironic as it sounds, you crave every pint of the family gathering, a chance to be outside of the cage that imprisons you. 

You want to be free, to be released of the need of one's familial desires.

But that is confliction, and in your mind's eye; confliction is an outweighted territory.

So... against all odds, you decide to go to the fmaily gathering.

Your mom helps you with your clothing choice; this one too tight, that one too itchy, this one so low and on and on until finally; you have something to wear.

You stare into your vanity and look at the other person staring back at you, bags under your eyes the size of moon craters, your nails so long that your mother keeps begging for you to cut them, your gut sticking out and on and on until you've ticked off every item on the shopping list.

---

Now, at this gathering, you feel alone, depressed, oppressed, restricted, limited, honed in only on your feelings of negativity.

But... what if I said in the corner of your mind, you could escape somewhere? You'd be hidden, no one would see you; to the outside, you'd still be there; but mentally, you can be anywhere you'd like.

You'd... dissociate.

And thus, you do appropriately.

---

What feelings are there; what? Sadness, vindictive, what: me?

I love all these people here and I've missed you all!!!

Oh! You sashay in with your big hips and embrace everyone, bestowing kisses on their cheeks'; riding their vibes, continuing conversations, catching up with old friends, making new ones, and patching up old wounds, mending broken hearts and gossiping about the next wave of trendy snips.

What sadness?

"You were just saying how you'd rather go home than be here... why the change of mood?"

You stare into all their eyes at once while being a good distance away... you wish it to end, their judgemental gazes, and then you remember how much you don't care.

You smile and warmly turn around, feeling the heat of all their allied forces against your back, you turn back around and calmly say, "I am trying to enjoy it here."

But the only thing you've enjoyed so far is the car ride coming here, and you wish to be in that car evermore. 

So, once more, you dissociate, physcically needing some time alone, you search for a room with a minimal populance and go inside, saying to the lingering crowd that you just need some rest; and might I also add: dissociating does drain you.

So... you rest, you close your eyes and go of into the moon beams that shine through the foreign window that is not your own.

Time, and again; tick, tick, tick... tock.

Your eyes pop open and you're back in that car... driving, the window open on your side, you look up at the moon, "My!" you ponder.