My Brain: Dissected [1]

I’ll pick these words carefully

Because I know I’ll regret it if I don’t

 

My tears, as they fall, distill within it a piece of you

I knew a part of me felt like nothing… felt like… an eternity uselessly running around

·         Living

·         Breathing

·         Doing

I knew

Some part of it had to change

Because I don’t just want to live

I don’t just want to breathe

I don’t JUST want to do

…

We are… more

More than what we see of ourselves

More than what anyone else’s words could define us to be

We have… so… much        potential

To be

 

Yet

We don’t

We keep ruining ourselves

Because we

We’re just humans with eyes that only have one setting: Reality

We don’t understand… reality

Reality is so misunderstood

What is reality, but something of the mind?

This world, we see in color

In screaming vibrant color

Reality is the perspective of the world

Reality is the rocks lying on the ground

Reality is the friend of the little girl that always got in trouble for talking too much

The books lying open, stressed by the teenager who always says, “I will study in a minute”

The pots lying open, collecting dust, filled with expired meals while the cook is lying somewhere, on a couch, her tears streaming endlessly; a picture of her dead son clutched in her hands

This is reality

The world is dying, spelling out words we can’t hear

This is reality

The wind always scolding us for being too dumb

Or too unwise

Or reckless

Or furious at something the wind could just make vanish in one blow

I never thought about any of this

Not until I met you

You made it seem as if everyone was in danger of either being hurt or abducted

And I wanted to care about them, about everyone

But I know that not even if I tried, will I prevent suicide, not even if I tried, will I prevent bullying, not even if I tried… will I protect the world’s people from hurting, or being hurt by others

But I know

That if I started with you

To help you, to love you, to care for you, that I will have at least to say that I’ve helped another

That I’ve helped myself

Because:

A.      I’ve had my own problems to deal with

B.      Everyone’s negativity is rubbing off of me

C.      My mental stature isn’t at all improving

I know that if I keep my faith and I have myself to hold on to

Nothing will ever change

Because I’ve only held on to myself

I haven’t yet reached out to you, asking for your help

But if I reach out to you

And actually ask you for your help

I know you will come

I know I can rest my head on your shoulders, because haven’t I been through enough?

And what makes me so special that I need someone to lay my head upon their shoulders for?

What have I done for them?

In actuality

Nothing

Nothing have I to conclude for

Both my maternities

Are still old-fashioned

Still think it a sin for a woman to leave her house without the permission of her rightful authority

Still think it a duty to the pride of “our people”

And who truly are our people?

The ones back east?

Who still live under rocks and haven’t tasted social civilization

The ones who haven’t seen the work of the genius, the senseless and the absurd?

You make me the best there ever was, had there been another me

You make me smile

You make me laugh

You make my heart light and airy

And I want to spend all day with you

Every Single Second

Of

Every Single Day

You make meaning in this dun atmosphere

To me, to my being, to my heart, to my world, you make meaning in it

I know you see yourself as anything but what I’m describing here, it seems almost, as if I’m describing someone nearly fantasy-like

You are my fantasy

You are reality

Because you are an actual human being

And for that, I commend you

Because being human, is something impossible to do

To be yourself and no one else is like finding gold in the desert

Because all of our identities’ are stolen

Masks of faces, shielding from us, our true meaning

And I think it’s sad

To come home at the end of the day and look in the mirror

Seeing that mask you put upon yourself and thinking

“This must be me, this must be who I was meant to be, and this is who I am”

But for those of you who are doing this, and thinking in this way

I am saddened and at the same instant

Stricken with grief that the human race has diminished in value and respect

But at the same time, humans have evolved from primitive beings

To beings who have actual food, cooked and immorally eaten

Life

Is a four-letter word

But it’s often mistaken for something else

Something really complicated

Like a math equation

But life

Is not to find the square root of x²+ the reciprocal of 6/4

Life

Is simpler

Than we’ve thought it out to be

Life

Is life

There’s no point in making it something it’s most certainly not

Why can’t I ever just say how I feel?

Why do I hide behind the matrix of the universe?

Why do I hide behind the gist of parallel dimensions?

Can you see me for who I truly am?

A simple girl with a clean cut desire to be in love

Can you see that?

And as you’re reading these words on your screen, I hope you smile, not because of my complexity, my intelligence, or even my being prone to loving too much

I hope you smile for being who you are

For being someone I deeply admire

Because you are much more than what you put on yourself

You are a true hero

Not only to the people that love you but to me too

Author's Note

i really hope these make sense, these are a ruffle of pages from my brain.