The beginning of the end

Can you lose what you didn't have? Grace was about to find out.

She didn’t believe it when she got the call.

She couldn’t physically believe it for a few minutes there. She was at work, surrounded by people, and, in the back of her mind (behind the all not-believing-it thing of course), she wondered how not one soul noticed something was wrong. Something changed everything, completely, forever. She would never work the same, she would never eat the same, she would never sleep the same (could she even do those things now?). Was she the same? Without the one person that made her what she was, would she disappear too? Not that it mattered now. But how did no one noticed how quiet she’d gotten? Not that she usually talked that much, but still, in that room, no one was ever that quiet.

Suddenly, she realized that she needed to get out of there. She should be thankful no one noticed, that made the exiting part easier. She told Marianne she was having period cramps and just got the hell out of that office, called a cab, got herself home, and sat on the couch.

At 26, Grace lost the love of her life. To be honest, he wasn’t hers for a long time now. But at least he still was. He still existed. And now… he didn’t. Because of a car crash - did that make a difference for her? Was that any better? That at least he didn’t suffer that much? Maybe it was worse, she didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. If it had been a disease... maybe she could have talked to him. She didn’t even mean to say goodbye, just talk. She was counting on her head: they hadn’t talk in seven years? How could she let it get to that point? If it had been a disease, if she had known he was going to die, she could’ve say something. No. Even if it was a disease, she wouldn’t even know he had it. How could she? She would’ve never know. Why the hell was she even think about these stuff? He was dead. It didn’t matter. She wanted to punch herself for all the lack of talking.

That’s how Peter found her, on the couch, looking straight ahead.

- What happened? Marianne called, she said you made up an excuse and came home. Are you okay?

She made an excuse? How could she know an excuse? Right, they’re periods were synced. F**k, that was a stupid thought to have after John just died. But still, that was low, she sold her out to Peter! She didn’t even like Peter… Why did that matter anyway? Grace had a feeling it really didn’t.

- John died.

Saying it out loud didn’t really helped either. There it was. That was what was happening. 

- John who?

Really? John who? Was there other John that even mattered? Was there even another person that mattered? This conversation wasn’t really shaping out to be something good. 

- My John.

Really? Was him hers? At that point, it was Peter who was losing it. 

- Your John?  As in, your married ex-boyfriend John? That one?

Ok, that really hadn’t been the right thing to say - the guy had just died. But there’s only so much a man can take. “My John”? They dated in high school! Come on, they were kids! He didn’t know that much about their relationship per say, but how serious can it be when you’re under 18? Still, whenever she got drunk enough (invariably one time per year, at her birthday), she talked about him like he was all that was good and pure about the world. And now he had to go and die? Making himself the martyr she thought of him to be? Did he have to go and make it official? Who can compete with a dead guy? Peter was mad, and he could feel himself getting even worse. Grace was suffering, sure, but what about his pain? The constant pain of knowing that his girlfriend of over three years was in love with someone else. She may had been mourning the guy, but Peter was mourning their relationship. And it hadn’t start now.

Peter and Grace had met each other at their mutual friend Daniel birthday party. Both completely drunk, they ended up sleeping together that night, at his place. When he woke up, Grace had disappeared, leaving him with a strange feeling - after all, Peter was always the distant one. Always the one who didn’t call back, who didn’t want attachments. And here he was, getting the cold shoulder from a random girl. He knew he shouldn’t think about her, he should just leave the whole thing alone, but he couldn’t. Why hadn’t she stayed? Was there something wrong with him? He needed to talk to her. He got her number from Daniel, and insisted until she went out with him. Still, she said she didn’t want a relationship. That she was sorry but she thought they both know it was a one-time thing. But with every reason, he just wanted to get to know her more. Deep down, even now, Grace knew he still wondered if it was her constant unavailability that had made him want her so much. That had made him fall in love with her. He never thought of himself as the guy who passes on perfectly nice girls just to chase a challenge but here he was. That was some fucked up s**t.

But Grace blamed herself. Why the hell did she agreed to have dinner with him in the first place? And why did she have a pleasant time? There were no butterflies in her stomach, but she enjoyed talking to him. He was sweet, and attentive, and charming. And he obviously liked her. And John just had his second kid. That reason shouldn’t have counted to the whole “why” of dating Peter… but it did. It was the reason that mattered the most. When she was at home she would cry and obsess, and when she was out with him, she could just not think about it. It was such a relief to be distracted from that whole thing, that she just kept going out with him. Deep down, she kind of wanted to spite John. That was even worse than all the other stuff. 

Nevertheless, she tried to end it. Several times. With the same old excuses " didn’t want a relationship. Didn’t have time for a relationship. Relationships were the root to all evil - none worked on Peter. So she took drastic measures and told him the truth: she was in love with another person. Always had been, since she could remember, and all evidences pointed that she would be for the rest of her life. It sucked, but she had made peace with it. Yet nothing seemed to matter to him. He still wanted to be with her. He didn’t mind. (Even though she didn't admit it, Grace knew that, secretly, Peter always believed she would eventually fall in love with him. Boy, was he wrong). 

The main point of Grace's internal discussion at that time was that she felt good being with him. Wasn’t that what relationships are all about? Does it always need to be passionate “need to be with you” kind of love? (Another thing she knew deep down even if she pretended not to - yes, if one wants to succeed at the whole love thing, it needs to be crazy, passionate, extraordinary love. That sucked. How many extraordinary loves does one get in a lifetime? Grace suspected that it was one.)

And now here they were. Both coming to the not so sudden realization that it was over. Their relationship had a death sentence from the beginning, and it was about to be cashed. Grace felt guilty about all he’d gone through for her, but still, he had just been a jerk about John and there was a fight that was needed to be had. 

- Yes. My married ex-boyfriend. Thanks Peter. That really helped.

Sarcasm. If there was one thing he didn’t like about her was how sarcastic she could be. And she was being extra sarcastic to try to punish him (punish him for what? Loving her? Being rightfully jealous? She didn't know, she was mad.)

- It was not I meant. - he tried to be sorry, but it was hard. He really wasn’t.

- We both know what you meant. - she should’ve let it go. But she couldn’t either

- Well, sue me. I love you, and I think you deserve happiness. And I’m sorry, he died. I really am. But I can’t keep competing with him! It was foolish of me to think that I could. You just don’t want to let go.

- That’s what I’ve been saying for three years! How did you just figure that out? - she was shouting now. She really didn’t want to shout, but she was. And crying. Shouting and crying. 

- I don't know. But better late than never right?

All Grace could think about when she saw him leave was how much relief she felt. She knew it would end tonight, but she thought it would’ve been more of a struggle - but just like that, it ended.

Grace spent over an hour just sitting on the couch. She thought that some sadness over the separation of the person she spent the last three years of her life with was bound to hit her sometime. But all she could think about was her prom.

While growing up, Grace had a group of girl friends. They went through everything together " first slumber party, first kisses, first drinks - so, naturally, when prom came along, they were all very excited. But no one was more excited than Grace, and they all thought that was very strange. Having dinner and dancing? Grace and John had done that every other school dance. They were together all the time. How can prom be anything special?

But for Grace, prom was the ending and beginning of everything. She believed that after the prom she would be officially ready for the next adventure and the next and the next. She loved high school but she knew she couldn’t let that scare her about everything else she was going to live in her life. High school was great but college was going to be even better. All that possibility made her lay awake at night, just thinking of all the future possible scenarios - John was in all of them.

You would think that with all that anticipation, it would never be as good as she thought, but it was. Her dress was beautiful; John was… John. He was always perfect. And when she was having dinner with all of her friends, with John’s hand on her back, she thought she could cry of so much happiness. She danced all night and then, they all went to the nearest beach camping - something they would do regularly in the Summer. She fell asleep on John’s chest and, even though she had lived a very happy life until that point, she knew that that was the happiest she’d ever been.

Right now, thinking about it, she didn’t understand how could she be so naïve. Even though she was only 18, she should’ve known better. Of course that now that she does, she would give the rest of her life to be in that night again. To be with John again.

Man, she was crying a lot. She couldn’t remember the last time she cried this much. Actually, she could, but she really didn’t want to. So she got up, went online, bought a plane ticket for that night and started packing a bag. She was going home. 

Author's Note

This is my first real attempt at writing a book and I just really want to know if there's any potential. I'm not a native English speaker, even though when I'm writing it's the language that comes to me naturally. Still, there must be many mistakes so please try to not to get hang up on those.
I really just want honest opinions about this.
The things that I'm most worried about are the dialogues (I just can't write those spontaneously) and the length of some paragraphs. And, of course, I'm afraid it's just plain boring.
Thanks so much!

Reviews

[Christopher Miller]

Well it isn't boring... It is a tough read, since English isn't your first language. Most of the trouble comes from verb tenses. I bring it up because what was most interesting to me is how flashes of emotion or insight break through the language barrier. I don't think I've experienced anything quite like it. My favorite example is "Really? John who? Was there other John that even mattered?" Such a natural reaction, put much as it would be for a native speaker. The contrast gives your ideas a sense of universalism (or cross-culturalism at least). I liked the opening lines as well, contemplating whether the loss makes her incomplete.
The dialogue seems fine, I think using quotes instead of dashes would make it easier to follow when someone is talking. Paragraph length was fine, but then, I'm a fan of H.P. Lovecraft.

[kgirl]

Thank you so much for your review. Can you please give me an example where I screw up with the verb tenses? When I read it, it sounds good to me, so it's hard to find the mistakes.
Glad you didn't find it boring, because a first chapter (at least for me) sort of tells me if I should keep reading or not.

[Christopher Miller]

"But how did no one noticed how quiet" should be 'notice'.
"They hadn't talk in seven years " should be 'talk'. Also, "counting on her head" ought to be "in her head", that's not tense though.
"It hadn't start now" should be 'started'. That's to name a few, only since you asked.

[S. von Glaubitz]

In my opinion, it’s certainly not boring. You’ve succeeded at the most important thing in writing: the emotion.

I love the opening paragraph. In it, I don’t yet know what happened, but not knowing highlights the incredible, universal feeling of the world continuing as normal, unaware, in the midst of a life-changing moment. You’ve nicely captured a lot of universal feelings and problems in this chapter, and that’s bound to entice and hook readers.

The first thing that threw me was, in the midst of the deep emotional connection with Grace, mid-paragraph, the point of view switched to Peter. That just goes to show how quickly I came to care about Grace (such a good thing, and not always easy to pull off!). I didn’t want to hear from Peter and I wanted to take Grace’s side. This brings up the question of point of view. Do you intend to switch POVs regularly, or are you better served sticking just to Grace, and/or a few select other characters? It’s up to you.

The other thing I can’t decide on is whether there’s too much exposition here. If this was a short story, I think it would be ok, but I worry that for a whole book you’re giving away too much too soon. I guess that depends on what the rest of the book is going to cover. It may take until the whole thing is written before you can tell what information belongs where.

Lastly, the ending might be a little rushed. I can’t quite tell where the decision to go home came in. It might need more than the last three sentences, especially three sentences in a short paragraph that begins on a different topic. Something to play around with.

As to your concerns: The dialogue is ok. It could use a little tweaking to help it flow better, but nothing a second draft can’t fix. It feels pretty natural. And the paragraph lengths are fine. It’s good that you have some variety there. Long paragraphs are ok as long as they stay on point and flow well, which these do.

I would love to read Chapter 2. Are you working on it?

[Unforgiven Guy]

Losing someone you love is always hard, but is it harder if they're dead and never said goodbye, or if they're still alive and with someone else? This chapter really raises these questions, so good job making the reader think. :)