The Price of Life

Dedicted to Mike, my true inspiration. R.I.P 7/6/1994 - 4/3/2012 ♥ I miss you....

    There are so many places I could be but I’m stuck here. Dark, cold and quiet. There’s a thought of being somewhere like a dream land, or never land. Where you can fly anywhere you like, do whatever you wanna do, sleep with no time limits, and eat without gaining weight.

It is a girls dream to be accepted by surroundings, but they don’t know, that’s what makes them fall from the very beginning.

I changed my hair

Changed my clothes

Paint my nails       

Put on make up

What was that for? Not for me, but them.
     I'm afraid of being alone, scared to be ignored, fear not to be accepted. Mirror is everything. Stared at it as if it was able to answer everything. I believe everything it said, everything I see but when I get out there, they say the opposite. I feel the mirror began to lie, mirror started laughing at me. Mirror is a crook and I was stupid to trust him.
    I smiled as I fell, smiling when I was happy, smiles when I'm in pain. Tired to pretend everything is fine. Tired silently keeping everything myself. Throughout my life, I was taught how I should stand, eat, sit, dress, walk and even talk. Expect good things will come of all this, but what? I fully understand how important all of that, but to do it to please someone else while at the same time torturing yourself is not the right thing.
Everything was done so they could look at me. I cover the real me to what they want me to be. I sat in the hallway, write a lot of things I see, looking around. I see a group of girls my age standing in the corner, talked about how one of them had to stop eating for a good body.
I remember the time when I had all of that. Stick my fingers so deep into my throat after eating a small piece of chocolate cake. Running every morning and tied up my stomach. Felt sad when know that others are also doing the same thing I've done. Cause I know how it felt. Hearing people whispering about how you're not fit enough.
My lover, see me with my cover on. Satisfied with it. I tried to impress him but then it hit me. He doesn't love me, he loved her, the fake "me" that I'm so proud about.

    Many things I do not understand. When we are not satisfied with what we have. We had no time to realize, that there was a hand to touch, feet to walk, mouth to talk, ears to hear, and especially the nose to breathe. As if that was not enough. I was crying and upset. A year passed after the departure of the brother of my bestfriend. Living in the world without being able to walk. Died at age of 18. But not a single moment I saw and heard him complain. All I see is a smile on his face while sharing laughter for everyone on his side. He has yet to experience as an adult, but 18 years of his life was enough to help him realize how valuable each second of his life while others clearly wasting it for nothing.
He was not shy or hesitated, she laughed amid the limitations of his life.
The last word to his mother was "I wish you a happy life and do not waste a single moment of it." He's right. We cannot bring the time back. The opportunities were not always there and words cannot be withdraw. Like how you lick back your spit.

     There's still a long way to start complaining about everything that has happened. Many things are much heavier and even scarier or painful out there, still waiting in front of us. Take everything as a lesson that makes you stronger than you ever did. Life is hard, difficult and sad at its time but remember, at the end of the broken road, there's a long and irreplaceable happiness awaits...