Soul Fight

A battle with one self

After decades, it seemed, I am back at staring at the ever teasing, blinking cursor line on my blank sheet of document. Teasing me, daring me to write - as if - I was an incompetent fool who couldn’t finish coherent sentences even if my life depended on it. But after being away from the keyboard for so long, avoiding doing what I love for so many years, I can’t help but agree with my nemesis - the cursor. I am unable to form words, let alone sentences to save my life.

But getting hit by life again and again with so many punches back to back that I forgot my count, I am trying to at least hold on to the things that made me feel alive. In the years leading up to this one, I had sacrificed everything I loved - one by one - in exchange for a steady job, a satisfied family and a happy child. As if I was bargaining with life itself; who held my life hostage and it gave me my loved ones smile in exchange. And I was satisfied - if not happy - with the bargain I so bravely made with life as it made me feel important. But as those crucial parts of me - writing, music, songs, kink - were detached from me for so long that I felt it in my bones that I was losing my identity, gradually. But I locked myself away and handed over to life to see the joy on the faces of those I loved.

 

Sometimes life is like that I presume. They look at you, with their hands on his chin, observing you from afar and wondering what will you do if those for which you had given up your life are taken away from you. Today I feel that I am totally lost, without the anchor weighing my dinghy down and without an ore to row in the seemingly endless stream. Suddenly I miss my heart, and my life for which I had left on the shore and which made me the master of the sea.

 

I know, I am barely managing to follow my own words and the string of thoughts that is going on in my head, driving me mad. But I figured I must beat my old nemesis to shut it up; even for a second.

 

So I figured that this is the time to stop whatever that I have been doing - being lost at sea, not fighting a uphill battle, not keeping myself around - and go back once again to the source. I will keep punching those keys until my fingers bleed. I will not let them win.

 

 

Author's Note

Unedited, as always. Getting back into writing.