History

This is an excerpt from the first chapter of my novel. The place from where it all began. Please rate and review my thing and tell me hows it.

Today was a great day for Greff Peterson and George Andros. They were about to become the first humans to try and get to Mars. They were not afraid or worried at all. On the contrary; they looked unusually excited. Both men were space-maniacs and great friends and they didn’t have any family for whom they would feel protective. So they were very happy to get a chance to go to space and they were also excited about that in a few moments, they would be world famous. They were just sitting chatting with each other; with a very relaxed mood and attitude.
Greff- (with a high pitched voice) So, George, we’ll be famous in just in few hours time!
George- (who had a very heavy voice) No, not in few hours, but 1 day, 9 hours, 36 minutes and 48 seconds to be exact if nothing goes wrong.
        Greff and George were both tough men. Both had a lot in common. As for their physical appearance, both were above six and a half foot tall, though Greff was a bit taller than George for about a couple of inches or so, George was more heavily built. They had been the best of friends for a very long time now. Greff was 33 years old and George was 36. Greff had joined this space center at his age of 25. George, who was already in there, was given the responsibility of Greff’s training for the center. Since then, they had come together a lot and having lots in common, they became fast friends. They didn’t have a major position in the center and as the center didn’t want to risk their more ‘useful’ astronomers the space center in-charge had chosen Greff and George for the “Mission to Mars”. As because sending people in space is not what you call a ‘risk-free’ business, so that is why the center came to choosing Greff and George. But George and Greff didn’t care about a thing. They lived very happily with each other having no other relationships. And when the in-charge of the space center talked about going to Mars, they readily accepted; thinking that this was a chance of being world-famous. Little did they know that though minute forms of Nature had been found in the planet, chances of human survival were very slim. They were very happy, content and chatting away in the canteen about their flight towards Mars after a day and half from now.
Greff- (in response of the minute detail of their flight schedule) Wow! You always sharp on the calculation, eh, George?
George- (with a lazy flicker of smile on the corner of his lips) Yea, I guess so!
Greff- so anyway, I wanted to say that do you think that we’ll be successful in finding something important and worthwhile for us?
        At the moment when Greff put this question to George, the latter became very stiff and his eyes narrowed, as though he was seeing things that Greff couldn’t. But after a moment or so, George became normal again.
George- (after seemingly coming back to reality, and portraying a very relishing smile and stretching himself lazily) Oh~ yes! I think that this trip will turn our life towards an upward bend. This will change our lives forever. I can feel it (and he closed his eyes and continued smiling to himself mysteriously).
Greff fell silent, watching his friend. He had found out this ‘odd’ side of his best friend years and years ago. At first, he was very surprised and astonished when he saw George act like that, but he was wiser now and used to that. Greff knew that when he seemed like that, everything he said after that that was always true.
Greff had experienced this ‘odd’ side of George after two years of joining this space center. There had been a shuttle at that time, which couldn’t just take off. The center had been working on that shuttle for almost fifteen years. And though they had tried everything, the shuttle simply refused to leave ground as if it was afraid it will be destroyed as soon it leaves it. That night, Greff had wondered aloud in the presence of George that all will all the hard work of the engineers and the astronomers would be wasted? It was then when he found George very stiff and narrowing eyes and just after that he said that that the shuttle will leave the ground on the next day and he also foretold the exact timing of the launch of the shuttle to the second. And sure enough, when the center gave their one last try, the shuttle released enormous amount of smoke and shot off in the air and into space. But when Greff looked toward his friend while clapping with the center, he had found George with folded arms and was looking upto the shuttle with a satisfied grin on his face.
        Greff was sitting, watching his friend and thinking about this incident when,
George- (getting up) Oh! It is dark already! Let’s go and get some sleep. We’re going to need it.
Greff- (Getting up to his feet too) Yes man, you’re right. Tomorrow is the big day!
George- (with a mysterious grin) Oh yes! Tomorrow is the day!
        The two friends, walked towards their sleeping quarters. Greff, thinking back, had nobody who he’ll be missing or who’ll miss him or lament for him if he died in this trip. So as a result, he was very content and going to Mars with his head held high.
        George was also thinking upon the same lines. Remembering his past life, when he was young, he had a young lady called Natalia whom he had loved very much and she loved him equally. It was before he had met Greff, thought George, even he had joined this space center. He had just completed his basic education where he met Natalia. He had never met a lady, as graceful, as innocent or having as expressive eyes as hers. They had decided to get married after their considerably short affair their college. Then, he started remembering the days from where it all started to go wrong. He remembered that it all went wrong when everything in his life was appearing settled after his marriage to Natalia for six months and he was feeling content and happy. George was, according to Natalia, was becoming odd as the days past by. He was changing, changing from tall, dashing looking self to the scary, grouchy self he was now, he thought. Natalia also complained that he had started muttering a lot in his sleep. Something about devils and blood and murders, and monsters and all other non-sense and stupid and scary stuff. She said that George didn’t answer as sweetly as he used to before and just after their marriage. Then, something got into George and he caught hold of the neck of the woman he loved so much and had his baby inside her, and pushed her roughly on the bed. And he said before walking off, “I’m going to my master and I don’t want to see you again.”
        George could never work out as who was his ‘master’. As far as he could remember, he never saw or even heard of his father. There were no photos in the house which he once called home; he was even named after his mother’s name: Andros. His mother’s name was Georgina Andros. His mother had died after he finished with his high-school. After that, he had managed on his own; he did part-time jobs to pay for his food and further studies. It was at that time when he met Natalia, he remembered. But somewhere, in the corner of his brain, he always had this curiosity as who was his dad. But when he…
Greff- Hey George! You’re all right man? You look……………… you look …weird!
George- (coming out of his own memories) Wh……O… oh yes! I’m fine. I was just thinking… thinking … thinking about……about……about tomorrow!
Greff- (satisfied by his friend’s answer) Yea man! I’ve been thinking about on the same lines!
George- (with a smile) Really man?
Greff- (returning his friend’s smile) Really man!
        And the two friends walked towards their sleeping quarters together, starting to joke and chat with each other as usual.
        A couple of hours later, both men were lying on their respective beds; thinking about the big day. Greff was falling into a very light sleep, but George was laying wide wake, staring towards the ceiling, thinking about his past life. He was thinking, as he had done many times before, what made him say to Natalia that he was going back to his master? It just fell out of his mouth. He knew that each and every accusation of Natalia was true and just. He had started having ‘nightmares’ after his marriage. He was seeing hell, monsters, murders, blood and other things which a normal man would despise. But surprisingly, he didn’t find them frightening or intimidating. On the contrary, he relished those dreams. He also remembered about being odd that was complained by many people, including his former wife.
        George turned over to his left side. He wondered who his dad might have been. Every time he put this question to his mother she either pretended not to hear him or got very angry. Somehow, he thought, but couldn’t see how, but he knew that he could find all the missing links of his life if only he found out who his dad was. Somehow he also felt that after this trip to Mars, he’ll be able to find his dad and all the missing links of his life.
        Tuesday morning dawned to be a very cloudy day. Greff and George woke up very early in the morning as today was the big day for them.
Greff- (in an excited voice, as both were getting dressed) Morning George! So? Ready for the trip to Mars? Man, I’m so excited! Aren’t you?
George- (in his trademark deep voice) Yea, sure! It is not everyday that you’re allowed a free trip to Mars, is it?
Greff- (laughing and respecting his friend’s sense of humor at this stage) Yea! You’re dead right man! And it is not everyday either when you’re allowed to be the first of our kind to be on Mars! Is it?
George-(laughing with Greff) No, it is not. Hey we better go and see the in-charge man, we’re getting late for the appointment.
Greff- (getting a bit tense at the thought) You’re right man. We better hurry.
        But five hours later, Greff and George, fully dressed, were walking out of the in-charge’s cabin, after being bored continuously for two-and-half hours. Funnily enough, thought Greff, the in-charge didn’t talk much about what they are going to do when they landed on Mars, or how they are going to send samples to the space center or what they are going to do once they landed on Mars. He merely droned about how long they would be traveling, or how they would be almost comfortable in their period of traveling through space for three years; how the chances of success in this mission were pretty slim and how their last meal on earth will consist of only porridge, salad, green vegetables and milk.
Greff- (as they walked to get their meals) He didn’t say something really important, did he?
George- No, but I expected that.
Greff- (in surprise)What? Really? Why?
George- Because he knew that we’re not going to return alive (after a pause). But I disagree.
Greff- so… you do think that we’re going to return?
George- (after a sickening pause, in which Greff’s heart beat rather painfully) Oh yes!
        After that, they didn’t have the chance to talk much after they finished their meal. They took their medical examinations, took their lasts tests before the launch. Finally, the long awaited moment came. As this was a historic moment, the whole world could watch the first attempt of man to go to Mars with the help of their auto live telecast. Greff and George were walking towards the shuttle that would take them to Mars. George, remembered, as he walked towards the shuttle, his wife Natalia and his child. He wondered what had become of them. Little did he know that they were both alive and well, in fact, both were watching him head towards the shuttle for his great journey to Mars with their help of auto live telecast.
Natalia- So Nester, looks like your dad is finally going to do something really great.
Nester- Yea, I guess so mom.
        Now allow us to bring you up to date from what happened. Way, way back (say in the year 2010A.D.), there was another huge natural calamity in this world that led to this mass awakening of the human kind. Humans came to realize that ‘NATURE’ was the key to all powers. ‘NATURE’ was something that demanded respect from the human kind. It was Nature who created everything: from this world as a whole to mountains, oceans, rivers and even creatures including the human race. So, in short, man realized that if Nature can create, it can destroy as well. Nature destroys and wrecks havoc whenever there is lack of co-ordination between Nature and its creation. In other words, whenever human beings bring harm to Nature or defy Nature, Nature has got its own way of showing its anger: earthquakes, avalanches, flood, tsunamis, and all other natural calamities. Even raining heavily and continuously for days and nights fall under the category of natural calamities. So it took a very big shock from Nature to make the humans understand this. But when the humans understood Nature, they started respecting it. And they also started respecting each and every creation of Nature including Life. Now called ‘Mother Nature’, there was a mass awakening and progress from all the corners of world. Each and every product that brought harm to ‘Mother Nature’ was banned effectively. The long list includes everything right from polythin bags, deodorants, to all kinds of war weapons like nuclear bombs, missiles, etc. That meant that all the wars between the countries of the world also ended automatically. The result was equally very good. The global warming stopped to a great extent. The hole in the ozone layer got filled. If we had to explain this situation in one sentence, that would be, “Complete co-ordinance between Nature and Man”. Man started respecting Nature and when Nature understood that man has starting respecting her, she decided to bestow her ‘gifts’ to mankind. Nature decided to give man her ‘Natural powers’. Now, allow us to remind you that Nature had two kinds of powers: namely, the power to create and the power to destroy. So, we can safely rename these two powers: the power to create as the power of spirit (let us) and the power to destroy as the power of evil (ok?). So, Nature gave these two powers to two human beings: some lucky men were awarded with the power of evil and some equally lucky women were awarded with the power of spirit. Now, these extremely were not told that they are given these great Natural powers (now who cares for supernatural powers?). They were unknown about their powers. And these powers were passed on and on through their generations. Now, if you only have girls and no boys as your ancestors, you can safely assume that you have the power of spirit. Similarly, if you have only boys and no girls as your ancestors, you can take is as the symbol as you have the power of evil. Don’t worry; there are unlucky ones like us as well in this world, who did not have neither of powers. So, we can have both girls and boys as our future generation!
        Anyway, back on our story, Natalia was an extraordinary girl as George was an extraordinary man. By odd co-incidence, Natalia was the holder of the power of spirit. And thankfully, she knew about that. Thanks to her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother (whew!) who first discovered this power and then developed it and passed to her future generations. So, Natalia had the developed spirit’s power, which she could use (now don’t start asking what powers, we’ll reveal them gradually, don’t want to spoil the suspense man!). One power was common in the both powers; namely, the power of foresight or foreseeing events and other things. They also had an extraordinary amount of brain; that is to say, they could use almost 20 times more of their brains than we do. So, we can say that both type of human beings having the power of spirit and the power of devil were exceptionally clever. So, when Nester was born, calamity struck for Natalia. In her case, the birth of a ‘son’, was indeed a calamity. So, she summoned a meeting between all of the spirits power holders; in other words, all her relatives and maybe friends. So, after discussing the matter thoroughly, the oldest member of the spirit’s group figured out that George must be having evil powers in his veins and that is why a ‘son’ is born to Natalia. So, after much scolding ‘awarded’ to Natalia, the next topic how to tackle this grave situation (imagine my friends, you got a son, and you get all worried and call a urgent meeting and stuff like that. Isn’t it sounds crazy? To us maybe, but not to Natalia and all her great-grandmothers and grandmother and mom). The other power of the spirits persons was that they had this ability to live thousands of years (imagine friends, going through this life for thousands of years! I’m all tired with my twenty years of life! Ha!). So, after much discussion, it was deduced that I George had evil powers, then Nester must have the same. But, as Natalia had spirits powers, then Nester must have the spirits power too. So, we all can agree on one condition: Nester was the most powerful baby on earth! So, all the ladies put their heads together as to how restrict Nester from going towards evil. In the end of a very long meeting (don’t ask me how long it was, it maybe weeks, months, years, I don’t know!), it was decided that Nester would be given a training that would suppress his evil powers in his veins and bring out the spirits powers. It sounded real good, but it was really difficult. But in the end of 16 years, when Nester became of the same age, he had all the spirits power ready and polished by the training and his evil powers were suppressed, but he still had them. So, we can say that his spirits powers were in an active position in his body and the evil power in a dormant position. But he still had both of the Nature’s powers. In addition to all the hard trainings, Natalia did one very sharp thing that only suited a high class brain like hers: she told Nester all about his dad when he was old enough to understand heavy stuff like that. She also told about him having both of the Nature’s great powers and he should be extremely careful handling with the evil powers. So, in a way, Natalia fulfilled all the curiosity that could have been in Nester mind. So, Nester got the picture that his dad was an a*s……. I mean, his dad was the bad guy.
        Meanwhile, George knew none of that, he simply got into the shuttle and laid on his bunk listening to the countdown, 10, 9, 8, 7, ………
Natalia- (wide eyed, seeing things) Nester, I think George is going to…. Going to his master.
Nester- (confused) What?
        In the shuttle, George and Greff,
Greff- Man! Are we really off?
George- No, 4 more seconds.
Countdown continues……4, 3, 2, 1……… BANG!
        The shuttle shoots off the ground. Greff and George started shaking vigorously and were knocked out. But that was not the case with Natalia. She immediately contacted her all of her relatives and friends having the spirit’s powers and told them to assemble in the spirits’ meeting point and she and Nester too proceeded towards that point.
        Now, the spirits’ point was a dead volcano somewhere in this world (which I’ll not disclose in fear that you all will go and attempt to reach there). It looked like an ordinary volcano alright. But once you reach the crater and look inside it you’ll know what is so special about it. Once you look down, you’ll find a great, big circular hall like place inside the crater with a large round table in center and many chairs around it. There were steps to take you down into the hall from the crater. In there all the ‘lucky ladies’ with Nature’s spirits’ power gathered so quickly that you’d think that they also have a power to travel from all corners of the world to the spirits’ point (you can also assume that they are pulled towards the spirits’ point with an enormous force. You’re free to believe what you want). So, the ladies quickly and efficiently occupied every chair in the hall. Then, the ultimate discussion began: what after all had Natalia seen to summon this immensely urgent meeting?
        So, Molly, the eldest lady present there who presided all the meetings there. She asked Natalia,
Molly- (with a voice that demanded respect) So, Natalia, what was so urgent that you called us all here in such a short notice? Well, say anything but it must be worth of all this trouble.
Natalia- (standing in front of her seat, in contrary to the other ladies who were sitting on theirs, started hesitantly) Well, I had this… instinct … I should rather say … I had this vision… that … George is going back to his master.
Molly- (after a silence which rather hurt Natalia) Well, what do you mean by that? Would you please clarify?
        Natalia, slowly, started to reveal about her past life when she was living with George and how and why she suspected that George was the holder of evil powers. Then, she talked about the vision she had. She said that she saw, or, she suspected that George was very closely related to The Big Evil.
Molly- (after Natalia paused to breathe) And what do you mean by The Big Evil?
Natalia- Well, I don’t know, but I think that George is very closely related with the … with the… originator… of the evil powers.
Molly- Well, the originator of the evil powers is Nature; we are all very closely related to Nature.
Natalia- (immediately contradicting) No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. I mean that George is very closely related with the person who has developed the evil powers to the optimum level. In other words, George is very closely related the person who has done the same with the evil power of Nature just as my great-great- great-great- great-great- great-great- great-grandmother did with the spirits power of Nature. The only exception in this case that his powers have been developed to the optimum.
        A very long silence greeted Natalia’s heavy speech. Natalia used this silence to regain her breath again; while all the ladies in the room thought and weighed Natalia’s words. Molly’s face, however, looked expressionless. Perhaps she was wondering whether Natalia was saying the truth. Or perhaps she didn’t give a damn about Natalia’s words at all. Anyway after a while, Molly appeared that she had reached a decision, but she was looking unusually grave, as though she had just eaten something very bitter like bitter gourd. Anyway, she looked as if waiting for all the ladies in the hall to resume silence and stop discussing.
Molly- (after ensuring that the ‘hall’ is completely silent) So Natalia, you mean to say that there is someone ‘human’ and using Nature’s evil powers to the optimum?
Natalia- (after giving the sentence a bit of thought) Yes, I think so.
Molly- (in a much sharper tone) Where is George now?
Natalia- Um… he’s now off to Mars, we just saw there shuttle take off.
Molly- (suddenly shouting and seeming very urgent) Then what are we sitting around for? Quick, put on the Auto-live-telecast!
        Appalled by the urgency, the ladies quickly put on the Auto-live telecast and took the places again, wondering what Molly had thought of now.
        Meanwhile in the shuttle of Greff and George,
Greff- (after both regained consciousness) Man, now we’re sure off for Mars!
George- (in his heavy voice) Yup! We sure are!
Greff- (suddenly becoming very serious and a sort of afraid) So George, will it be ok if I ask you 1 question?
George- (now being perfectly relaxed) What?
Greff- (in a tone that suggested that he was feeling quite afraid) Do you… do you think that we’ll be able to return back? Return back alive?
George- (joking) No, only one of our legs, eyes and ears will return back!
Greff- (getting impatient and angry, shouting) George man this is no time to joke man! Don’t you understand the seriousness of the situation? We’re on a shuttle which is supposed to take us to Mars, and the in-charge told us that chances of success in this mission is very slim; you know very well what he was talking about George! I mean that will we die? Will we die in this trip (ending desperately)? Was that the last of what we saw of the earth? C’mon man, say something!
George- I’m not going to say you anything until you’ve calmed down.
Greff- (taking a few deep breaths in a supreme effort to calm himself down) Okay, I’m calm now. Can you now tell please what is going in your mind?
George- Well, yes and no.
Greff- (going angry again and shouting) Man WOULD YOU STOP fooling around? I’m getting sick by your dramas! Please, do me a favor, don’t beat around the bush tell ME THE TRUTH MAN!
George- (sighing) Well I said no as because that I don’t think that we’re going to reach Mars after all. But yes at the same time that we’re going to be alive, and return alive back to earth one day! Now got it?
Greff- (getting a bit of peace upon hearing George’s words) Ok ok… I got it. Now I think I’m calm for …. Hey George! What the HELL is that?
        Greff had gone excited again and was pointing towards the monitor, where George now saw turning around. A very bright fiery light was emerging from the left side of their shuttle quite far away from them now, but they were steadily heading towards the light. There seemed no possible scientific explanation for the light to be there: it seemed that there was a hole in space, and someone had lit a very large fire just beyond the hole. In any case, the light was spreading what it looked like an unidentified hole in space. And as soon as the shuttle approached the light rays, the shuttle altered its course immediately and started heading towards the hole from where the light was coming. The shuttle steadily increased its speed and after reaching at almost the speed of light, the shuttle was kind of sucked into the hole and immediately the light stopped coming as if someone had just corked the hole in the space. Now all everyone could see in their auto-live telecast and the space center was only blank and dark space.

Author's Note

I know it looks a bit big, but please be brave and read the whole thing. I sincerely hope that you will find it interesting.

Reviews

[Autumn Starberry]

Interesting, story, though I am mostly into realistic fiction and teenage romances, but I think when you are doing dialogue, it would be best to do something like this (these are just random sentences, nothing to do with any story) :
[Bob looked hard at Jane, before he finally said, with a shaking voice "I haven't seen you in so long!" Jane wiped a tear away from her eyes and said softly "I missed you so much.."]
I am saying this only because if you choose to send this in to be published, the editor will more likely than not ask for you to use quotes as opposed to script. Also, you could seperate sections of the chapter into paragraphs. Other than that, it seems very well written and creative, and sentence structure is more to make it easier to read than to make a good story! Keep writing!

[Paul Ramey]

P.s the plot needs to be a little elaborated in the beginning, and the same advice towards the characters.

[Paul Ramey]

perhaps , the proper editing would encourage yourself, as well anyone willing to publish it. most novels selling at an average pay-scale are usually leave the writer with at least 3 grand. i would of shot more on the lines of screen play. the bigger audience the better... as well, the visuals would be better to identify with, seeing as to how this is a fictional depiction of the future. therefore i wouldn't genre is as history, lol there's a few nit pick things i could go over with, only in supportive criticism. it has potential, it just needs a polished hand to edit and elaborate a little. on my conclusive note, i'd like to state that for book material it's rather short lol . in most cases, context looks larger on a screen, but on paper... you can see the difference. i always write mine in a hardback journal & scan it to the computer with a fax. it helps authenticity, as long as your handwriting can be easily read.

[Grant P.]

Nice write. I agree that it isn't a waste of time. I've been working on a story for many years, and am now back at square one. It just takes a lot of work and many tries until you really get what you want. Along with what C. Boylan said those were really the only problems. Keep up the good work.

[Aleyah]

Hey! I don't think this is a waste of time at all! This was a really great chapter.

[Léo Duval]

I agree with Autumn Starberry - for the dialogue, it'd be better if you stick to a conventional form, with the "..." between sentences... Otherwise, the reader gets lost... You could be original in your dialogue-form only if the rest was also very original, but it's not really the case: here is a chronological story, without any weird stylistic effect!
I like the story (in itself) though, and I'll re-read again to give you another review...

[lAcEy_LoO's Poems Site]

It very interesting.. i like the 1st one so far...

[Vancano]

The first thing: Is it a screen play/script or a story? The reason I ask this is because you have large narrative parts describing what is happening but then you go into dialouge by first stating the characters name, as you would in a screen play/script.

If it is a story that I would suggest putting speech marks around the spoken text and remove the names before they speak. Add something at the end telling us who spoke and how they spoke, rather than putting tone in brackets.

However if it is a script then maybe leave a line when someone speaks, just so it visually breaks it up nice and cleanly.

Congratulations on getting your ideas down though =D that is the hard part I find. Once I have where I roughly want to go, no matter how badly I have scribbled it down, I can then go back and begin to add the fine detail and work it into something beautiful.

I wish you well with your Story!

[Emily B]

I think I read this once upon a time. Have you made improvements? It seemed a little different.

[youngwriter222]

you put alot of hard work into thischapter and you deserve a round of applause because it is truely excellent.
I like howyou started it off then jut went right into the story with people talking


Today was a great day for Greff Peterson and George Andros. They were about to become the first humans to try and get to Mars. They were not afraid or worried at all. On the contrary; they looked unusually excited. Both men were space-maniacs and great friends and they didn't have any family for whom they would feel protective. So they were very happy to get a chance to go to space and they were also excited about that in a few moments, they would be world famous. They were just sitting chatting with each other; with a very relaxed mood and attitude


Excelent work
~Sarah