Shutting the Gates of Hell

Headline: Satan to Close Gates of Hell Citing Massive Cost Over-runs

Satan, founder and acting CEO of Inferno Inc. stated in a public press conference given before his fiery throne that the gates of Hell will indeed be closing due to many, seemingly eternal, problems.

"We are at the limits of expansion as far as the lake of fire is concerned," Satan said. "Energy prices have made growth nearly impossible to sustain. Have you checked the price of Ethereol lately? We've tried other methods, inluding eternal waterboarding, but the results have been pretty much the same. I mean we never really set out to reform anyone. Once you're in Hell, I mean you're pretty much in Hell, but we have noticed that after the first few hundred years of torment they just start laughing. Torture simply stops having the desired effect."

The Lord of Death also pointed to the gravity of recent labor issues, stating, "The Organization for Demon's Rights has been applying heavy pressure and threatening to call for an overall strike. Personally, I care less and less. It just seems an impossible venture to sustain. It's truly a game of diminishing returns and I am considering another line of investment entirely. I've always liked to cook and I am absolutely awesome when it comes to barbecue. I'm thinking of catering to musical events. We will just have to see how things develope."

When asked for a response, Dis M. Bowel, third term director of the Internumenous Tormenters Union stated, "We have tried bargaining but it seems kind of useless at this point. The gates are closing. It's pretty much a done deal. A lot of demons have already tried moving into the private sector. Freddy and Pinhead are typical examples. It is still unclear how that will all work out. It is possible that, facing new and evolving markets, some demons will have to take up another line of work entirely. This poses new challenges for the unholy. They may be forced to consider accessing new skill sets in order to survive. Most demons thought they would be secure in their jobs for eternity. Now they are forced to consider other, more immediate, options."

Reviews

[bookworm]

I loved this Keve. You're humor is something I really appreciate. And as you already know from my review of The Mulberry Memoirs, that I just am captivated with your ability to draw the reader in and hold our attention. Wonderful piece. P.S. Thank you for the reviews!

[TKBickel]

Hilarious! Dis M. Bowel-that’s some sharp thinking.
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one with a strange sense of humor.
No criticism here just lots of applause.

[RainQueen]

How did I miss this??? Brilliant! You are truly a Renaissance Man. The most breathtakingly lyrical prose, and now this...Satire that is silly and edgy at the same time...Fantastic! Thank so much for sharing this one:-)