The Edge

Last night, as I sat hunched over on that rusted old folding chair, I peered through the darkness and out onto the street, through the dusty mesh of an old room divider I had propped up in order to hide myself from the eyes of the wicked. I held between my thumb and forefinger the remnants of an old cigar, rescued from the accumulated ash of recent weeks. I brought it to my lips and gave gentle suck which made me wonder.

 

I mused over the words to "King of the Road" and laughed to myself. No longer a king, or leastwise only the confounded ruler of senseless loss, I considered the road which had led me to this darkened porch with its cat and its cans; empty cans now supplanting grail. Whatever majesty I may have once felt while entranced by the highway had long since departed; my legs now barely able to carry me even a short distance and presently facing eviction. In addition, my eyes had become too dim to drive with any sense of safety and I no longer owned a car. These cans had represented some last remaining cornucopia of life and now they were also empty and unfulfilled.

 

I sucked that old stogie I had found and laughed in Freud's face. This was not simply a cigar. It was "short and not too big around," evidence of my own castration. I had no wife and the horse had run off; my former majesty ultimately muted and now almost completely snuffed out. I crushed the last remaining ember on the floor and it burned my fingers. The streetlight shone through the grimy grid of my present hiding place, my last lonely partition, and exploded.

 

And I thought… 

 

We are riding the edge down here in Riverside tonight; she in her place and I in mine. We are down here and we are squirming; sacrifices to the night; this holy night. We are like two candles barely glimmering; endeavoring to light up the night; this holiest of nights. There are draught horses plodding along outside and bearing ovoid carriages adorned with thousands of white-hot fireflies. It's Cinderella on acid and she is lighting up the night; this holy night. The sound of the freeway is muffled by concrete barriers that are there for our protection. It sounds like a psychedelic river and the trucks like deep throated, howling fish; never ending Doppler fish. I can not see the individual headlights of the cars but the glow fills up the sky; lighting up the night; this very hungry night; this holy night and I am sitting here at my keyboard and I am trying to make it pay somehow because I love her and we've suffered together and I wish I could carry us both away from here; somewhere safe from these cold nights; these chilling nights; these wicked and ravenous nights.

 

She rarely weeps; she just goes quiet and her voice looses something. She retracts like a sea anemone. There is  no craziness in her…  only silence… and I've learned this and I know when things are very bad. I know when it is bad and when she is about to disappear and tonight was one of those times. I just knew it. I could hear it in her voice when she said, "I'm tore up baby. I'm way tore up." She says it is her stomach but I know it is so much more. It is too many nights like this; riding the edge without a dime to spend or any idea where to come up with one. We are not beggars after all. We have earned our way and that is what we would like to do now. We would like to be allowed to live and provide something in return. We are not degenerates or maybe we are, but if you must shame us, then shame me. I know I'm not perfect and there is no point in arguing about it. You can make me feel bad if you try hard enough and sometimes it doesn't take a lot, but I can tell you this much is true, we would like to earn our way, Jeri and I. We want to be effective in this world; to deliver and be delivered; delivered from this night… but now we are riding the edge; riding this edgy night; this night of lights within this hungry bloated darkness. We are softly and painfully shimmering; struggling to light up the night; this holy night. .

Reviews

[RainQueen]

Stunning. You have stolen my words, except...I'm half in love with this woman through your eyes...I can't wait to read more...