This Close.

I don't want to feel anymore.

Author's Note

I'm tired of feeling like this. I can't tell you how I feel. I've told you in all my other poems. It's all the same. Everything I say has been said before. And that makes everything I say sound so normal, because every teenage girl in the world is saying it to get attention. But I'm not good enough. If he were reading this right now...nope not even gonna go there. Feeling love for something obviously isn't working because as soon as you love them, they won't love you back. They will never love you back. Who even said that? And before you leavve a review saying "it wasn't meant to be" or "heartbrake sucks I'm sorry" don't bother. It ob piously wasn't meant to be, or we would be together. I haven't been heart broken by anyone but myself, because truley it is all my fault. I've been imagining things differently. What if I did what I've been thinking about? Grabbing life by the neck and squeezing till I can see death dripping from it's eyes. Would you suddenly care then? And then I felt such a string connection with this one. I'm not being a slut or lying about this feeling. I've never ever felt this way a out someone before. I just wanted to be your friend. But of course, it's impossible. WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT ME?! It's all in the distance. No one will understand this fully. You can pretend to. But you won't ever see until I'm dead and my obituary stretches to Antarctica and back, telling g you exactly what this all means. Would I actually do it? Take a tumble with a sip of suicide? No. But it seems like the people that keep coming into my life only want to rip what sanctity I have left into paranoia and fear of what I have to endure next. The walls surrounding the real soul I have keep getting thicker. Someday, they'll get so thick my knight in shining armorial won't be able to be able to break through, or even climb over.Don't tell anyone how you feel. They don't care. They want to emotionally vomit into your heart into it explodes because you can't take it anymore. And then have the audacity to wipe their mouthes and say 'What's wrong?' I've never wanted to scream and cry so much at the same time. Or maybe I've never wnated to cry and scream at the same time so much. Either way, I know if I break down alone, I'm over for sure. So I take it and tuck it behind the fake smile that I pretend to wear. I just pray that when the duct tape and super holding the fairytale smile together breaks that you're there to break my fall, other wise I'll just keep falling.
So now I'm this close to flipping the emotional rollercoaster off for awhile. I don't want to feel the jerks and drops anymore. Please just let me shriek bloody murder into your chest and let the pain roll down my face in drops on your shoulder until there's nothing more.
Because I'm this close.
This.
Close.

Reviews

[ALittleBitOfEverything]

Wow. That's all I can say, I'm nearly in tears here. And how you say no one understands what you're going through? That's wrong, girl, everyone's been through it. Yeah, so disappointed and gutted that you think of suicide? I've been through that. Thing is, I just look on the bright side. People are only steppig on your heart and making you feel like this is because YOU let them.
A friend once told me, that only you can make yourself happy. With your very own choices.
Please down go down the route of darkness and despair, then you are really stuck. Don't let people get to you, cry a little, scream a little, hold your breath until you see stars, then let it all go with all the anguish built inside.
I'm just saying that you ain't alone, it happens to everyone of us, and sometimes, it makes us it's prey.
Terri-Beth :)

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you very much for this. I really love the reviews you leave :)

[ALittleBitOfEverything]

You're welcome :D

[Simmirose]

Emotion is so deep and breath taking. Like Forget M3, I was also close to tears. This is extremely powerful. I've been and still battle what you are going through. I'm here if you need anything.

[deepblue04]

wow, i'm in extreme sorry for you, if you need someone to vent at, i'm here to talk to

[MadiKay]

I'm sorry, I didn't know that you felt this way. A lot of people can relate to this, even I kind of can. Even though I'm only eleven, I've been going through a lot, just like you. I wear the fake smiles just like you. I pour my emotion out t someone and they betray me, I know how it feels.

But, Makenzie, just remember that even though I'm young, you can ALWAYS talk to me, no matter what. You're a beautiful and amazing and you don't deserve this kind of pain. I love you, we all love you. Just keep your chin up and stay strong. Okay? And, when that gets hard, TRY to stay strong, for me.

[Michael Bujtas]

Speaking as someone who has been hurt in a relationship before, I know the pain and the jerks you can go through it. Great stuff, especially as you go on and get into the bits in suicide (not that I'd recommend that but I can feel your pain there when it's at the lowest point). Cool to read.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thanks you very much! I appreciate the kind review :)

[Wolfwind]

Coming for a complete stranger, I'll say this. Kudos for a very descriptive rant, which had some wonderfully crafted visuals in it. It helps to write it out and when one is full of frustration and hurt and their ability to think and reason still exists, it speaks allot about the strength of them deep inside.
As to the situation. People come all flavors. Some might taste good at first, but make you want to retch later. While others might taste foul in the beginning and become the next favorite flavor of one's life. My point is, everyone you meet is different and as you are the pebble, your ripples will effect everyone differently, as will theirs. You, yourself have your views and values in life, the core of what you are. It guides you as you walk the path of life. The turns that are made are always up to you, and the turns others make are out of your hands completely, for we are only able to truly alter ourselves. We may care about someone allot and would do anything for them, but if they aren't receptive to that, it leaves very few options for us. That's why it's important to focus on you. Steer your own course and if others wish to take that same course then bonus. If they don't and cant understand why you are... Then that's their right as individuals, just as you are an individual.
Yeah...life sucks and hurts at times. Take it in stride, keep walking and learning and you'll find, those people that are true to you, have stayed by your side the entire time.

May you find the path that's good for you.
Aaron

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.

[Kaye Adell]

Loved this. Great imagery. I wish you would have developed why you feel the way you do towards the audience. I felt like the thought of suicide was a little out of no where. I was a little confused about this sentence, "I just want to be friends," because you obviously have more feelings than that towards this person. I know how this feels. It's the worst feeling in the world, and I think your piece summed it up quite well. I'm just sayin'. Scratch that if you want.
Now for the grammar: line 7 (from the top) there is "leavve" instead of leave, line 8 "ob piously" instead of obviously, line 18 random g, line 22 "armorial" I think you meant armor. This is only a suggestion.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you for this. I am sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I was on a moblie device that was hard to type with and I was very emotional. Thanks again

[Coyote Poetry]

A lot of anger and disappointment in your words. Good to release anger on to paper. Hard to get what we want. Sometime we must accept things and become stronger. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Coyote

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you for the review

[3rd Chance]

A thick pile-up of raw emotion and pure expression of your thoughts. It seems as if you stumbled onto the keyboard after suffering a huge trauma to just let everything go in the form of words and energy.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

It kinda happened just like that, actually. Thank you for this

[Pax]

a great release very raw and emotional. i cant really advise anything because this one cuts so deep in you, sorry yet i can only say be well and stay strong as it show in what you write.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Thank you