I Was Going To Marry Him Someday

I Was Going To Marry Him Someday

A Poem by K.M

I hope you are happy now
The only person I love in this world is going to leave me
Now my sleeve is going to own a collection of bloodstains that all start with the first letter in your name...
Z

And I can already see the look on his face when I tell him the terrible news
That whole afternoon was a mixture of rum and booze, 
You making moves on me like I was single,
And my heart hurting
Because you were the only person keeping me sain
He was the drought, and you were the rain
I lost him
Now the image of him will never leave my brain

© 2017 K.M


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Critique: (Because the only person I love in this world is going to leave me) The only person - no need for the extra identifier word "because"
(Because you were the only person keeping me sain) sane
This is just my opinion but you should use the whole first name not just the first letter, you want to personalize it so your readers will too.
Rum and booze technically are the same thing, you might go with rum and coke

You sentence structure could use a little tweaking. When you have long and short sentence together they change the meter of how a poem is read. If I may be so bold consider this:
I hope you are happy now
The only person I love in this world is going to leave me
Now my sleeve is going to own a collection of bloodstains
That all start with the first letter in your name...
Z

And I can already see the look on his face
When I tell him the terrible news
That whole afternoon was a mixture of rum and coke
You making moves on me like I was single
And my heart hurting
Because you were the only person keeping me sane
He was the drought, and you were the rain
I have lost him forever
Now the image of him will never leave my brain

Review: Interesting rhyme scheme I like it and emotional relationship conflicts is a very relatable topic. Well done Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Sane. Spell check.
The rhyming scheme sounds more like a rap than a poem.
The substance is sub par.
I'd think you can do better.
Take your time, don't just throw words together. You can do it!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Critique: (Because the only person I love in this world is going to leave me) The only person - no need for the extra identifier word "because"
(Because you were the only person keeping me sain) sane
This is just my opinion but you should use the whole first name not just the first letter, you want to personalize it so your readers will too.
Rum and booze technically are the same thing, you might go with rum and coke

You sentence structure could use a little tweaking. When you have long and short sentence together they change the meter of how a poem is read. If I may be so bold consider this:
I hope you are happy now
The only person I love in this world is going to leave me
Now my sleeve is going to own a collection of bloodstains
That all start with the first letter in your name...
Z

And I can already see the look on his face
When I tell him the terrible news
That whole afternoon was a mixture of rum and coke
You making moves on me like I was single
And my heart hurting
Because you were the only person keeping me sane
He was the drought, and you were the rain
I have lost him forever
Now the image of him will never leave my brain

Review: Interesting rhyme scheme I like it and emotional relationship conflicts is a very relatable topic. Well done Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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255 Views
2 Reviews
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Added on December 27, 2016
Last Updated on May 28, 2017

Author

K.M
K.M

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About
I am trying to write my own poetry book... so I need some serious feedback (: All of my poems are about things that have happened to me or people in my life. I hope you guys like my poetry. more..

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