have I no shame

a citizen, an alien, torn

God has saved me from the devil, demons, demon-possessed humans, and my own evil self, and from self-will, selfishness, self-centeredness, self-loathing, and self-pity, that is, was, and will always be because of instincts, inordinate instinctual drives, and my ego's contents that steers them: pride and fear. My ego’s shame and guilt stem from lies that betray my integrity; lies that are of and from my unwarranted self-righteous attitude that is set against God and all that is holy and right. And of all my character defects, the worst still, God has saved me from: the deceitful desire of fornication, to abuse sex, that is, to abuse women, as people do abuse drugs and alcohol, and as a matter of fact, as people use and abuse one another for what they selfishly want. Do you know what I mean?

God has saved me from the poverty of riches: hypocrisy, and, from the riches of poverty: judgment. God has delivered me from the arrogance of a self-sufficient personality, and from self-sufficient persons, that cry God with our mouth and love money with our heart. Do you know what I mean?

I don't want or need nothing a person might have, if I like someone it is the beauty of the soul of a person I like, this attracts me, and this is what pleases my own soul. It is not what they possess; my heart cannot be bought, neither will I - any longer -defraud it.

I am poor, inheritedly rich. So, if someone is looking for that knight in shining armor, with a castle set on a hill, with a court assembled before him, and with a host of phony, back-stabbing, and guileful friends, then a person must seek that in another, in another fantasy or reality, for this is not my truth or longing, not any longer. Do you understand what I mean?

I am fifty, having one foot in the grave and the other fitted to go in. What the world and, specifically, America breeds is overly-competitive, fanatically money hungry, self-centerly self-reliant and self-sufficient, as compared to God-reliant and God-sufficient, citizens. We are taught to love our lust(s) for today, and we are rewarded with a blindness for tomorrow's future, my eventual death: what of my soul in the after-life. In this life we never get enough, just as hell's fire is never quenched and is ever hungry for more, today's gluttonous and greedy imaginings for tomorrow's selfish and self-seeking desires are actually dead-defying fantasies of my own making. I am then abjectly blind to tomorrow's possible consequences for today's lustful appetite: I am dead, thinking I am alive because of sin's deceitfulness.

Doubtful that I shall see another fifty years. Our bodies become worn-out tools destined for the scrap heap. And my time has come. For Kenneth, it has come down to now or never; it is no longer about how or when. If I say I have not learn about the how to or the when to I am back to being that liar I talk of earlier: God is or He is not. What is Kenneth’s personal choice to be: damn the torpedo, full sail ahead, there is no heaven or hell; so be it? Or, that I have found hope and am willing to trust to that hope, and continue to live by that hope, a hope in tomorrow. I take God at His Word: Jesus Christ, amen.