not yet relieved

self-examination

I have been relieved of the bondage to many things most importantly, I think, is the fear of a "sudden" yet peaceful death. I did not say, take notice, that I was relieved of the bondage to a "fear of painfully dying to death." That still chides me frightfully, awfully. Freedom from the fear of death, because of Jesus Christ, Grace, "unmerited favor."

Other bondages, or if you will, lusts, idolatries, addictions, sins, defects in the nature of cigarettes, alcohol, and other drug abuses, these very things found surely outside of myself, as for these I have been relieved of my bondage to them also. Although, still, having many more of the same in their likeness (things outside of self) to be relieved. Even as I try to live a more virtuous and merit-able life, and not such a vice-fulfilling, demerit-able life-style.

However, and that is an humongous "how and ever," I am still, and not ignorantly nor unknowingly either, solidly locked-up and confined assuredly, not unmistakably, quite probably inescapably - with out God's help - within my bondage and imprisonment to SELF: That is to a life, being, body-of-flesh, attitude, and behavior which constructs, supports, and builds a life which is given to, surrounded by and so trapped and weighted-down in an internal mire of quicksand. Thus am I found struggling fitfully, only sinking down deeper and deeper in it. As if I do not knowing that I should be fearing to die in it. Fearing to die drowning in it, gasping, choking, cut-off of my last breathe. Into it, self - I have tripped and fallen, falling terribly into vanity and a personal void, disappearing headlong, heart-heavy, mind-boggled. Disparaged by the enemy, the "man in the mirror," and so am I despairingly disintegrating in the iniquitous, spiritual mire of a selfish selfishness, self-righteousness, self centeredness (with all of its pride and fear and boasting and gnashing-of-teeth). Self deceived, deceived of itself. Wickedly and powerfully, alluringly deceitful, so it is I have found this "self" to be, within all its cunning, baffling and powerful illusions for its own self-delusion. That it may live, abide, and rest contentedly in its very own favorable state of grandeur: self-righteousness, self-absolution, self-pity, self-importance, all of which make it a very viable state of self-condemnation for those "damnable" in it.