Untitled

This is a short story of mine that is going to eventually become a book.

She would remeber that night forever. On that cold October night with the different leaves falling all around; her whole life changed. But of course she didn't know that at the time. She was in teh process of her usual routine. Every night after work she took the bus to the corner of her street. But unfortunately the buses didn't run down any streets closer to her grandmother's house; so she had to wlk roughly twelve agonizing city blocks to get home. When she usually walked she was already tired as hell. But this time she felt even worse. The kids that she babysat were extra bad tonight. The little grimlins got muddy footprints on the couch and broke a beautiful glass coffee table. Thats  not all though their mama decided to take it out of her pay to get it fixed. " Oo the next time I babysit they lil behinds I'ma make sure I lock them in their rooms" she thought.The street was dark and dimly lit by only porchlight. That was because the streetlights had gone out again. She was trying to figure out how to make her money and her graandomthers money meet for the week, then she heard him ." Hey baby didn't I tell you to don't be coming around here anymore" He said. "Dang Quincy you scared the crap out of me" she relplied nervously," what you doing out here in the dark anyway?" He was becoming aggitated. " Don't try to change the subject on me" he said. " Look Quincy I'm real sorry we broke up I really liked you I just didn't like you like you" she said. "Oh well to bad you're about to pay up since you don't know how to listen" he repled hatefully "Quincy please!" she pleaded. "Nope ain't no going back now" he teased. She tried to run but her bag dropped while she was racing away. She couldn't ever risk losing the money she worked her behind off for; she stopped and turned around to pick it up but she lost her balance and fell head-first. She turned around and when she looked up Quincy was lookind down at her. "Now you're gonna pay lil girl" he said " you're gonna pay for everything!" "Quincy please! No!" she cried.   

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems, what do you think of the dialogue. I don't know if it is good or not (my friend Linnie says it is) but keep giving me your opinions.

Reviews

[Egan]

I love this narration because ir makes my mind flow along with the words and that is really cool.