Excalibur

A short story from my book GASP! An Anthology of Surprises

“I’ve got to get out of these clothes�"fast.”

“Oooh, honey. I knew you’d come around.” Mishi raised an impossibly long leg, parting the silk kimono she usually wore around our apartment. She was probably nude beneath it. 

“Not yet. A little help here?” I struggled to peel off my favorite jeans.

Mishi turned. “Oh s**t, Ronnie. Don’t get blood on that carpet. It’s antique.”

I yanked at my damn skinny jeans again. “I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.”

She flowed in that languid way that always made me jealous. “It would be easier if you put the sword down.”

I looked at my hand, unaware I was still holding Excalibur. Yes, THE Excalibur. I laid the gleaming blade on the hall table. It wasn’t fair. No matter what happened, the blade was pristine and I ended up covered in blood. Gotta love magic.

“I‘ll burn the blouse.” Mishi sighed. “Why do you insist on wearing silk to a battle? I might be able to save the jeans. Fresh blood I can get out, but once it sets…”

It wasn’t supposed to be a battle. It was supposed to be my brother’s engagement party. I even had a speech prepared. ‘Michael, you know I never liked Suzette, but if you want to spend the rest of your life shackled to a real witch, whatever.’ Except I’d just killed her father, so I’m guessing I won’t be invited to the wedding. 

My emotions went wild while I showered. Excalibur had appeared to me, sticking up in that alley where a homeless man was being beaten. I pulled it out of the concrete and chased off the thugs. Ever since, whenever it was needed, the sword appeared close at hand. Apparently, so the Knights of the Round Table tell me, I am the only woman ever chosen by the sword. And the only one who has not been a knight, as if I had a choice. I would love to hand it off to one of them. But the sword does what it wants, when it wants. 

Great honor. Yeah, right. Great pain in the a*s. At least it disappeared whenever it was no longer needed. Still, it managed to make its way into too many police reports. Like last week when I had to tell Sergeant Guiterrez I had no idea why the suspect reported I came at him with a sword. “He must have been drunk. There isn’t even any room on my duty belt for a scabbard and besides, swords aren’t standard issue equipment in Oakland.”

He was not amused.

The Knights say I should be more respectful of the stupid thing. Personally I think they’re a bunch of overblown, self-important snobs. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why the sword didn’t choose any of them.

I was doing my hair when Mishi leaned into the bathroom. “I just buzzed your boss in.”

I nearly dropped the hair dryer. “Is it…?”

She nodded.

By the time the Sarge knocked on the door of our fourth floor walk up, my heart had stopped pounding in my throat, the color had returned to my face, and Excalibur was gone. I was finishing up the salad Mishi had started making. She was on the tiny balcony with the miniature grill billowing silk-scented smoke in her face. 

Sarge didn’t waste any time. “Officer Blakensfield, do you know anything about what happened at…” He looked at his notebook and read off the address.

“The Szechuan place? My brother’s engagement party?”

“And what happened to his future father-in-law?”

I cut off his head with Excalibur. “Don’t know. I got into a fight with that witch my brother plans to marry and left early.” 

Sergeant Guiterrez stifled a chuckle. “Witch?”

I put down the knife. The peppers had been chopped into oblivion. I scooped them into the salad anyway. “I toned it down, sir. I usually start it with a ‘b’.”

“Witnesses say you chased Mr. Hellmann down the street with a sword.”

It was only out to the parking lot. “Again with the sword? Is this some sort of joke? Are there hidden cameras around here?”

“I’d like to take a look around.”

I was about to ask about a warrant but Mishi spoke up. “Sure. No problem. Sorry we only have two steaks.”

Excalibur reappeared as soon as the Sergeant left. “You,” I glared at it, “are going to get me fired.”

I swear it winked at me.