The Eternal Battle between Myself...and Myself.

Just a little background on myself...I want you to understand who I am as a person.

I've always been the student in the back of the room,

The unnoticed girl in a crowd,

The odd ball of a group...

I've always put myself in a spot where you wouldn't notice me because being in the spotlight was dangerous. I've always been scared to put myself out there and if it was done the other way, I would cry in isolation. I've never been happy as an individual. Elementary school brought the awareness of knowing I wasn't like most kids. Middle school opened the new pathway to a thing called bullying...I hated myself by the age of 14.

Well, this insecure girl has left my being by the time I got to 16. I had to grow up and technically, I still am. I've been ridiculed by peers and adults on my body and personality. Apparently being 5'5 and 120 lbs is an issue so I let people get to me and I tried to slit my throat in 8th grade. I'm still here because of a voice from somewhere, maybe from my head or my cowardliness, telling me to put the broken piece of glass down. Sometimes when I cry, I tell myself, I should have done it...Why though?

I've grown up with a brother and single mother. Yeah, I know my father but let's just say, I'm better off without him. I've never hated my life for how it was as far as a small family. My mom fell in love at times but it was never worth it. However, my mother kept her character strong and took care of us, making sure we had what we need. She took us to school, fed us with home cooked meals, and even took us on road trips sometimes. I wouldn't change my childhood for nothing...Except the way I grew up when she wasn't around.

I had to spend summers in the same clothes with no permission to go outside and maybe getting fed twice a day. I had to watch my father choose others over me and be lied to repeatedly. I had to make up things in my mind so that I wouldn't let reality make me crazy. I was only able to spend a certain amount of time with my mother if a family event happened within this time. I had to listen to the phone ring with no answer when I called my father to see when he was coming to get me. I had to learn the truth.

All the pain I've endured over the last ten years of my life is the reason why I write. Writing is my soul saver; it brings peace back to reality for me. I started writing in middle school and I've always enjoyed how I could express myself without anyone judging me. If my writing happened to get read, it was either good responses or angry questions. I could be me! I finally realized that I was an unique individual in 11th grade. I still have my struggles with my mental strength but I am not the same girl who I was back in high school. I don't feel insecure about my body or looks. I don't don't feel shy when I step into a room full of unfamiliar faces; hell, I have a job where I have to approach people. I feel comfortable now.

One day I know I can feel even more welcome because I know there's people out there like me. I haven't found most but I'm coming across artistic individuals and I love how there's a common love for self expression. I love how people can write, draw, or do whatever without being heavily judged for it. I love how I can be me and not feel alone...

 

And it's all because of writing.

Author's Note

From the heart, lovely readers. It's about me, not a character I made up.