The sun was bright as I woke up that morning, the smell of breakfast coming from the kitchen, my brother’s voice approaching closer and closer to my room. “Ali, wake up” he said as he plopped down at the end of my bed, I looked at him wondering how he could be so calm not a hint of sadness across his face. “Come on sleepy head, get up.” I stared at him thinking to myself, does it even bother him? Our grandfather had only been dead for a week and he was acting as if everything was the same, as if his death hadn’t changed a thing. “I’m not going, leave me alone.”, “You can’t just skip the funeral Ali, you need to be there.” I turned over ignoring him, but I knew he was still staring at me. I had that feeling, the one most people get when they know they’re being watched. I just wanted to be alone, In the last week I had been giving enough sympathy cards to start my own hallmark store, I had been drowned in enough of everyone else’s stories about death, and I’ve seen enough of the I feel your pain looks from people I barely knew, but none of it mattered because no one knew how I felt, no one. I layed there thinking about my grandfather as I heard my brother walking towards the door to leave, “ Well it’d be really cool if you could make it, if you change your mind you know where we’ll be it’s not far you can ride your bike there. And Ali, you’re not the only one who misses him you know” I said nothing as I tried holding back my tears, as I heard the door close and I knew I was alone I felt the tears running down my face. Thinking of my grandpa and everything he had done for us, caring for us, and making sure we were safe. When I was six my mom discovered the world of gambling, becoming an addiction for her, a thing she seemed to not be able to live without. Life got bad, money being gambled away, rent not being paid, bills pilling up, eviction notices every month, it sucked. But just when my brother and I thought nothing would get better, there he was, our grandpa. He saved us, took us under his wing, and convinced my mom to quit gambling, just like that everything was fixed, he was our superman. How did they expect me to go to that funeral, to say good bye, how? I wasn’t ready, but I knew I had to be there not because everyone expected me to be, but because I knew my brother needed me just as much as I needed him at this moment, even if we both didn’t show it, we needed each other.
“He was such a great man,” a women in a black dress said to another as I walked in the front door of the funeral home. I walked straight, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, in fear of being dragged into a conversation of sorrow. I had it all planned, walk in sit in the back un-noticed and soon it would be done. I sat there next to a man who looked some what familiar but I knew better than to ask his name, I had to stick to the plan. It was going fine had been there for fifteen minutes and no one had noticed. I looked around the room, so many people, many I had never met before, all with looks of sadness. I had been doing well, no tears yet I had thought to myself.”Ali honey, how are you?” Damn, so much for the plan I thought, “Hello Mrs. Sullivan, I’m hanging in there, and you?” I was trying to be polite but I really just wanted her to leave. “Same honey, it’s so sad I’m sorry for your loss” she said as she started to be pulled by her husband. And then she was gone. As I sat there I saw him, my brother staring at me giving me a smile, the same smile he always gave me to let me know everything would be okay. At that moment I noticed it, my brother had looked so much like my grandpa it was unreal, and there it went the tears streaming down my face the room all of a sudden becoming hot, there was nothing to do but run. I ran out the door and into the parking lot, “Ali wait!” my brother shouting behind me, he caught up, wrapping his arms around me tight holding me close, “ It’ll be okay, we knew this would happen, he was sick there’s nothing anyone could do. He’s in a better place.” I pushed him away, staring seeing my grandpa in him. “No, it’s not okay he wasn’t suppose to leave. I don’t want to say goodbye I’m not ready to.” His arm on my shoulder for comfort his eyes locked on mine he whispered, “You don’t have to. Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye. Goodbye is more of something you say to someone you’ll never see again, but we will see him again Ali, we will. Because whenever you need him he’ll be right there” I looked at him, his finger pointing to my heart “It’s not goodbye, it’s just a see you later.” I couldn’t help but smile, because a part of what my brother had just said made a lot of sense. That was typical Jon; he always knew what to say in any situation, which was part of the reason he was going to college to major in psychology. It’s like he was born to make people feel better and help. “Hmmm when did you become all Dr.Phil on me?” I said giving him a playful punch on the shoulder, he just laughed saying “I guess it would be around 10 last night when I heard that good bye saying on the Fresh Prince of Bel-air.” He winked and we both started laughing. That was the thing about my brother, he always knew how to make me laugh no matter what, even at a funeral one of the sadess place of them all, he still managed to make me laugh.
Three months had passed since my grandpa’s death and it was now summer. It was the last summer before my brother headed off for college, and we were going to make it the best one yet. “So,” Jon said sitting next to me on the sofa, “what are our big summer plans?” “Well, I was thinking the Bahamas” I said jokingly smiling at him. He laughed, “In that case then, I guess our plans involve robbing a bank to pay for this trip,” his eye brow raised in a way you could tell he was seriously contemplating the idea” Of course if we did that, I’d be batman cause you’re robbin, haha get it? I crack myself up” That was my brother always making the stupidest jokes, but you had to love them. “You’re such a dork” I said to him as I got up to get something to drink. “ Well I was thinking a nice trip to Hampton Beach,” I looked at him wondering if he was serious “We’ve been there a million times, how is that going to make our summer special?” He smiled walking over to me and putting his hand over my shoulders, “ Picture it,” he said in a calm relaxed voice, the kind of voice you hear on commercials where they’re trying to talk you into going to some fancy resort, “ Us and the open road, we reach our destination good old Hampton, we relax on the beach the wind softly blowing as the sunsets in front of us, we have ourselves some delicious hot dogs and tasty glass of lemonade, aw can’t you see it Ali? It’s destiny,” I laughed at this because the funny thing is my brother actually made a dull trip to Hampton beach sound luxurious,” Jon, you’re crazy if you think it’s destiny, you need get yourself some Prozac or something cause boy you need it,” “Hahaha very funny, so if that’s not destiny then what is huh?” his hands crossed waiting for my great idea to come out, but I wasn’t exactly sure what destiny would be, but I had a feeling this summer would change a lot. “Well,” I said looking around the room, I spotted my hat and grabbed it,” destiny my brother, is whatever we pick out of this hat after we put ideas on a paper and pick from it.” He grinned, “Sounds like a plan to me,” And so we did it, we put every idea we had in the hat and picked. Twenty minutes later we had a list. Our list was complete, although to some it may not have seemed like it would be the best summer with that kind of list we had with little things like who could drink red bull the fastest, but we knew it would be, cause the one thing me and my brother had in common was the littlest things kept us entertained for hours. It was set; we were ready to go, to start our summer.
“Jon!” I shouted running into his room, tripping over his clothes and falling on my face. He laughed, “Shut up that wasn’t funny, and anyways I just won two season passes to six flags! Get dressed lets go,” I said throwing his shoes at him. “Aw Ali, not today I don’t feel good” turning over to grab his drink. “ But Jon, it’s the perfect day to go please, and I got my permit yesterday I can drive and you can rest,” He shook his head and sighed “ fine give me 5 minutes” I ran out the room so excited our summer was finally starting and we were going to make it memorable. I decided to write my best friend Vicky a letter while I waited for Jon. She had moved away last year and we made a pact to write to each other every week. I told her about my summer plans and about all the gossip going on in town, and I finished it off with a see ya later. That was my new thing since my grandpa’s death, I never said goodbye anymore, after what my brother told me it never seemed right to say goodbye, it was always a see ya later. We were off, me driving and him messing with the radio. “Jon, can you at least put it on something good?”, “Good?” he said grinning “Alright man, you asked for it,” I kept my eyes on the road wondering what he meant by that. He pulled out a CD and pushed it in, and the words came out loud and clear my brother singing along, “ Baby, baby, how was I suppose to know that something wasn’t right here, “ he sang throwing his hands in the air making his dramatic performance. “ Jon, oh my god, no! No, no, no, no” he laughed, “Come on Ali, you love Britney Spears,” “Yeah, when I was like 8” I yelled trying to change it, “Oh come on, re-live the glory days darling, you know you want to sing,” he grabbed the hairbrush in the glove department and started singing into it pointing it towards me every once in a while, so I made him happy and sang along. The both of us re-living what he considered “the glory days”. We had been driving for an hour, only 15 minutes to go, so far we had sang every Britney spears, N’sync, Backstreet Boys, and 98 degrees songs I had ever heard, my brother loving every minute of it. “ You planned this didn’t you?” I asked as he searched for a radio station, “me plan this? Nah, I just always happen to carry around burned CD’s of pop stars” he laughed as he said this. “Unbelievable, you really have no life you know that?” “ Oh but Ali, “ he said putting his hand on his chin trying to look sophisticated, “ Is it I have no life, or that I have a life that others may not think is as fun as I do hmmm?” I laughed, “whatever you say Dr.Phil,” We laughed the rest of the way and finally we were there I turned into the parking lot and there it happened, we crashed. A truck crashing into us head-on.
“Ali honey, can you hear me?” a voice familiar asking me, I opened m y eyes and there was my mom. My head was killing me, my arm in a cast, and I felt weak. I looked around, I was in the hospital. “The doctor says you can go home in a couple hours,” she said running her hand through my hair, “What about Jon?” I asked, afraid of what the answer may be. Tears falling down her cheeks, “Oh honey,” I knew what she was going to say, and I knew it was my fault.” Jon, Jon didn’t make it honey, the impact of the crash was to much for his body to handle,”
The next morning I woke up in pain, only getting 2 hours of sleep that night. I stayed up all night crying my eyes out. My brother was gone, the one person who I’d usually go to in this kind of moment and he wasn’t there, he was gone and it was my fault. The next couple of days I didn’t talk to anyone I layed there in my room alone thinking of him. Why did I have to win those tickets? Why did I make him come when he didn’t feel good? Why did the truck have to be there? If none of it had happened we would both be home drinking all the red bull we could find. How do you live your life when the one thing that made your life good is gone? That’s all I could think, I didn’t know what to do.
It was the morning of Jon’s funeral and the doorbell rang, I went to answer it and there she was, Vicky. Neither of us said anything, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug, I tried to push her away but she held on, “No Ali, don’t. I’m not going anywhere you can try to push me away all you want, I’m not going anywhere,” We walked into my room, trying to hold back my tears but I couldn’t. I cried my heart out, Vicky wrapping her arms around me not saying a word; we sat there for an hour. “You ready?” she said to me handing me tissues, “No, I’ll never be ready” And then I heard it, my brother’s voice, it’s not goodbye, it’s a see you later. I knew I had to go, I held on to Vicky’s hand and we drove to the funeral home. The whole ride my brother’s voice replaying in my head. I hated myself for this, everyone said it wasn’t my fault but I couldn’t help but think it was. My brother had taught me everything I knew, how to ride a bike, how to throw a knuckle ball, how to find out what you’re Christmas present was without mom finding out, he taught me everything.
I entered the funeral home and everyone stared. I closed my eyes holding on to Vicky’s hand tight, I was going to get through this not for myself but for him. I had to be strong just like he always was for me. We sat down waiting for it to begin, my cousin got up to the podium. “ I didn’t know what to say today about Jon, I mean there’s just so much to say,” his voice was trembling as if he was going to cry, everyone wanted me to go up there but I couldn’t so I talked my cousin Rodney into doing it. He continued trying to sound relaxed, “I wrote so many speeches over and over again but none of them sounded right you know? So I decided to read you something that Jon wrote himself. A few months ago when Jon’s grandpa died, he wrote something and he said it had to be read when he died, no matter if it was a couple years from now or 50 years from now.” He pulled out a piece of paper and he read. “Hey everyone, if you’re hearing this right now then I must not be with you anymore. I must be dead, I’m hoping I died happy, preferably in the playboy mansion but hey if it happens to be next to Jessica Biel I guess I can settle for that too,” everyone gave out little laughs. Unbelievable I thought to myself, leave it to Jon to make everyone laugh at his own funeral. “I just want you all to know it’s okay, I lived my life the way I wanted and enjoyed every minute of it. Because I had a life, I just lived it in a way I thought was fun even if others didn’t think so. Please don’t be sad. Just live your lives the way you want don’t hold back.” My cousin was finished, I looked around and everyone didn’t look so sad anymore. Jon had did it again; he made everyone feel better just like he always had. It was to say what everyone called the final goodbye, but I knew it was something different. I knew it wasn’t goodbye, I knew he’d always be there. He’d be there every time the Yankees won, every time a Britney Spears song came on, every time anyone needed him he’d be there, in our hearts and in our dreams. I walked up to the casket and put in the piece of paper, our list. Our summer didn’t go as planned but I knew he had to keep it because when we meet again we’d finish it. “See ya later Dr. Phil,” I whispered as they closed the casket.
I continued my summer trying to have fun, doing things I wanted to do even if others thought it was pointless or immature, because according to my brother that’s what the real definition of having a life was. He had taught me a lot growing up, but his final lessons were the best of them all. One, you never have to say good bye and two; the only way to have a life is to live your life the way you want.
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