So I Thought

Here’s the thing. I didn’t like you at first. I thought you were annoying, needy, not my kind of guy. But you texted me every morning, and every night. You put me first in any situation. So, I gave you a chance. Big mistake.

Even during our first date, I didn’t want to continue seeing you. I thought we’d be better off as friends. True statement.

But as soon as your lips met mine, I felt it. A connection. It was very strong, and my entire body felt limp. I think I knew from that moment that I loved you. Aren’t you in for a surprise.

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I fell for you. I immediately started picturing how our life would go. I could picture us kissing under mistletoe on Christmas. Or staring at you from across the room on New Years, and as soon as the clock hits midnight, throwing my hands around your neck and kissing you so passionately.

I could imagine you tagging along on our family vacation. Waking up each morning and sitting on the deck. I’d be sipping coffee. Black, just how you know I like it. And you’d be drinking your tea and eating toast with butter and cinnamon sugar. I know it’s been your favorite ever since I made it for you for the first time. I could see us taking a walk on the beach at midnight, just holding hands and not letting go. But because of your dumb sense of humor, that for some reason I just love so much, you’d pick me up and pretend to throw me in the ocean. And just as I think you’re going to let go, you catch me. I’m sitting in your arms and you kiss my nose gently. As I look into your big brown eyes you give me that little smirk. That little smirk I love so much and am seeing in my head right now.

These are the things I could picture with you. What I never could see, was where we are now. And how terrible it is.

I never would have imagined that I’d lose you so quick. I never would have thought that you’d be the boy making me cry every night. Never thought you’d be the one to split my heart into a million tiny pieces, and break everything I had.

I did not ever believe that you’d be the reason behind a single scar on my body. But look at me now.

Now, I do not believe in love. I don’t believe in happy endings. I don’t see anything outstanding in my future.

I thought I was ready to take on anything that ever came my way. But this. This was too much. It is still too much. Because I hate having to picture Christmas, New Years, vacations, with somebody that isn’t you. But I know I do.