A Moment of Forever

A night under the stars with someone you love. "Simply put but elaborately said" to put it in the most complicated way i can think of. (and melody, this is the poem you told me to write, its just not a poem)

           A piercing silence stalks the still night. The sun has abandoned us and left the moon to illuminate the world. A seldom light reaches our eyes as the eventual shift in the trees parts the moon’s leafy veil to unmask its glow. The wind sifts around two parallel bodies, side by side. She is beside me, and I am beside her. All is peaceful. All is calm. All is waiting.

I open my mouth to speak, but words refuse to come. I clutch the grass tightly, resisting the urge to hold her. The world only loses more life as time passes. Everything that moves appears to be watching me eagerly, awaiting my first notion towards her. I attempt desperately to distract myself by gazing up at the stars, but then something happens. Something changes the solemn presence of the world. She lies her head on my shoulder.

            I think of thousands of ways to react. Some seem too forward, others too meek. I don’t look, but I feel her stare. I sense her sinking feeling at the thought that I won’t respond. The more I think, the more I begin to share the feeling. Before I could grasp hold of what was going on, I was leaning into her warm embrace. I couldn’t stop it.

            I shot a quick glance at her to find that she had done the same. I thought we were as far as we were going to allow ourselves to go, but she put her hand on my cheek and gently pulled me closer. The wind came to a halt. The trees stopped shadowing our movements. The world stopped spinning, all in the hopes that this moment would last forever.

            The all too familiar warmth of her touch found its way under my skin. For only a few short eternities, we sat holding one another. The air around us released its bated breath. Her hair loosely flows with the wind to reveal eyes of pure oceanic blue. They were drowned in the love of warm arms to call home.

 

           A piercing silence stalks the still night. The sun has abandoned us and left the moon to illuminate the world. A seldom light reaches our eyes as the eventual shift in the trees parts the moon’s leafy veil to unmask its glow. The wind sifts around two parallel bodies, side by side. She is beside me, and I am beside her. All is peaceful. All is calm. All is waiting.

 

All is waiting.

Author's Note

This is my first peice on this website. Im open to any advice that anyone has.

Reviews

[T. F. Rice]

Great writing. Very promising prose. Keep writing!!

Hi,
Thanks for entering the contest for February issue of THE OTHER HERALD on Writerscafe. Here are my comments about your writing piece; please note I dont have time to comment on very many pieces, but in this case I wanted to. ..

This piece has promise. I dont think you need the very last paragraph, though. It is not consistent with the writing in the rest of the piece. Maybe you could end the paragraph before it, "The world stopped spinning, all in the hopes that this moment would last forever. This moment lasts because it never leaves me." or something similar.

By the way, for some reason, a part of the piece is also included at the very end. But, dont make changes to correct the extra text yet, please. I dont know if your piece will disappear from my contest if you make changes. I'll be done with the contest and all judged very soon. Just consider my comments, in case you are a winner, because I'd want to check with you on edits before publishing it in TOH. As it is, with that last paragraph, being so cliche, I can't print it. Funny how a few sentences can make or break a piece. AND, I know you mean well> Please dont take this badly, okay. Sometimes you dont need to tell so much, let the reader experience what you have already told by telling the story as intently as you did...

More later,
TFRice (Editor of THE OTHER HERALD, Heralding the art of words in WNY and beyond)

[MJ Bears!]

Hi Caleb. This is your cousin Sydney and I wanted to tell you that story was great! The only reason I registered was so I could see ur writing. I sent another review but I don't know if it went through... haha I'm new ok? :)
Goodjob! -Sydney-

[MarchAprilMayJuneJuly]

wow Caleb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely loved this story!!!! it was so romantic and sexy, kinda pulled me in for more... I told you could write something amazing, i just never thought that it would be this good!!! I could picture the whole thing and feel the same innocence of emotions as I soaked it all in. I loved how it made me feel, but I don't think I want to know just how far you went!! kj,kj... anyways, great write and awesome first piece! you sound like you are in love!

peace,
may