Elizabeth

A Story by Kaitlin

Something I wrote for a class Spring 2013. It got an A, but that doesn't mean anything. It's something I took from a much longer story so the ending is sort of abrupt because I am s**t with endings.

The too-clean scent of the hospital tickled the inside of my nose. I stood outside the room, my arms wrapped around my chest as if holding myself together. I held my breath as if breathing would disturb the silence. My body trembled, though the hospital was warm. The solid oak door in front of me was a barrier I was beginning to question if I could get through.

"Excuse me, is there something I can do for you?" I turned around and saw a short, chubby nurse looking at me with concern in her light brown eyes. I shook my head and looked down at my shoes. "You've been standing outside this door for almost an hour, ma'am. If you are a visitor, I ask that you go on inside or you leave the hospital. I can't just have you standing out in the hallway."

I swallowed away the tightness in my throat. "Okay, I'll--I'm--" I shook my head trying to get rid of the burning in my eyes. I covered my eyes with my hand, but all of the emotion I had been so determined to hold back spilled over. I apologised through gasps.

The nurse put her hand softly on my shoulder. "It'll be okay, ma'am. Whoever is on the other side of that door will be happy to see you. Go on in. Say hello."

I took a few deep breaths and wiped at my face. I turned back to the door and stared at the dull silver handle. I could have just left. I could have avoided putting myself through any further pain and misery.

But the girl on the other side of the door was a girl that I loved more than anything else in the world. If something happened to her before I had the chance to see her, I would never forgive myself .

I finally reached out and clasped the door handle in my hand. It was cold, which seemed to be an omen for me. I fought through my hesitation and turned the knob, pushing through the door. And entered.

I walked slowly in, stopping just a few feet into the room and let the door close behind me. The room was dark except for the moon that shone through the slivers of the closed blinds. The white light trickled in onto Elizabeth. It almost brought me to my knees, but I forged ahead. Before I could collapse, I grabbed a chair and fell into it.

Elizabeth's eyes were closed. Dark rings encircled her eyes. Her lips were pale and cracked. The amount of weight she had lost made her look like a mere shadow of the girl that had once been there. My chest tightened. The steady rhythm of the heart monitor was the only sound I could hear aside from Elizabeth's soft breathing and a man coughing in the neighbouring room. The heat clicked on.

I reached out and took Elizabeth's hand in mine. It was cold and pale. Elizabeth's fingers had always been long and bony, but now they looked as if they might shatter into dust in my hand.

On every medical show I had ever seen, they said people in comas can hear you and listen to you if you spoke to them. I had dismissed it as nonsense when watching those shows, but with Elizabeth right in front of me, I wondered if there was any truth in it. I brought Elizabeth's hand to my lips and kissed it softly. The chill of her hand lingered on my lips.

"Elizabeth? I--I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you can, but this is starting to feel bogus," I said, a bit hoarsely. I coughed to clear my throat. "Do you remember our first date? I'm sure you do. It was one of the greatest nights of my life because I met you. Ginny set us up. She went on and on and ON about this girl she knew that would be perfect for me. I didn't want to do it. I didn't like the idea of blind dates. I thought they were frightening. I was right." I laughed a little remembering the event.

It was the worst date either of us had ever been on, but it was also the best date we had ever been on. Everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, and yet we ended up laughing about it in the end.

The movie we saw was the worst movie we had ever seen. I remembered Elizabeth saying, "That movie made reality television look like quality programming!" I laughed so hard at the time that I cried. Elizabeth laughed with me, and we were both doubled over clutching our sides.

"I think that was the moment I fell in love with you, Elizabeth. I didn't want to admit it, of course. I was too proud to be in love. I wouldn't let myself be in love because I found it to be a ridiculous concept. When I realised that my heart was softening, I was terrified. I was so f*****g terrified of you because you are so good.

But anyways, we went to a shitastic Italian restaurant, by far the worst food either of us had ever eaten. The noodles in my Alfredo dish were still partially raw, and the sauce was so watery that I basically had a soup. And then your f*****g spaghetti sauce was a colour of orange I had never seen before. I'm surprised we didn't get food poisoning after eating there. Even though everything was s**t, we still ended up laughing about it because you maintained a positive attitude. I've always loved you for that." I paused again when I realised my voice was shaking. I stroked Elizabeth's hand with my thumb, more than anything just wishing I would feel her fingers squeeze back.

"You told me it was the worst date you'd ever been on, but you'd do it all over again because you had so much fun." My vision blurred.

I recalled driving Elizabeth to her apartment that night. She lingered for a moment with her fingers on the door handle. She then turned to me and invited me to go upstairs. I accepted with so much enthusiasm that Elizabeth laughed. That night was the first night we had sex with each other. Most of it was just a blur of passion, but I remembered certain moments of absolute beauty radiating from Elizabeth.

She fell asleep quickly on her stomach, her light brunette hair laying over her face. She snored, but not loudly. I studied her figure realising for the first time how quickly a person could fall in love.

"You really have no idea what you've done to me," I said.

This time when the tears welled up, I let them fall. I pressed Elizabeth's hand to my forehead. Before I could completely lose it, I continued talking. The silence only made things worse.

"The worst mistake I ever made was when I left you that night. You should have woken me up the next morning with me there, but I ran because I was a coward. Still am, I guess. I kept telling myself that I didn't want to be in a relationship and that I only went out with you to get Ginny off of my back. I didn't call you. I treated you like a one night stand even though deep inside, I knew you were so much more than that."

Three weeks after that, I sat in my dorm room studying for a Physics exam. Ginny burst into the room with wrath fit for an angry god.

"What the F**K did you do?" she shouted.

I told her I had no idea what she was talking about, and she almost screamed. She had just finished talking to Elizabeth who had finally opened up about what exactly happened on our date. Ginny threatened to chop my head off if I didn't call Elizabeth and make up with her. I believed for a moment that she would really do it, so I called. Elizabeth didn't answer.

Over the next few days, I tried and failed to get in contact with Elizabeth. I wrote an apology letter and slipped it under her apartment door. A couple of weeks later, she finally relented and called me back.

"When I heard your voice over the phone, I wasn't expecting to have the reaction that I did. I was so incredibly happy and relieved. You forgave me with such kindness that I didn't deserve, but I am so grateful that you did. And the rest...the rest brought us here."

I stood and crawled into the single hospital bed with Elizabeth, moving the delicate wires gently out of the way. I buried myself under the covers and held her against me. I tried to shut the guilt out, but holding Elizabeth's lifeless-like body only made me remember that it was my fault that she was in the hospital to begin with. I hadn't slept much in weeks, and Elizabeth's soft breathing was like a lullaby. Slowly, I fell into a deep sleep for the first time in too long.

I woke up with sunrays glaring into my eyes. I held my hand over my eyes to block out the blinding light and looked around. I had forgotten for a moment where I was and why I was there. When it hit me, I realised how pissed Ruby was going to be. I quickly got out of the bed and straightened my clothes. Turning back to Elizabeth I pulled the blankets up to her shoulders and kissed her forehead.

"Goodbye. I'll be back. I love you," I whispered.

When I got back to the apartment, it was late afternoon. I hesitated before going in because I knew what would be waiting for me. I unlocked the door and went in to see Ruby sitting on the couch. She jumped up when she saw me come in.

"Oh, thank god, Emma! I've been trying to get in touch with you. You're lucky I didn't call the police to hunt you down!" She embraced me tightly and kissed my cheek. I limply hugged her back.

"Where were you?"

I tried to come up with a lie, but my mind was too jumbled to think of one so I just shrugged.

"You've been disappearing a lot lately. Is there something I should know? Is there someone else?"

I ran my hand through my hair. It felt stringy and greasy. "Can we talk later? I need to take a shower."

Ruby scoffed. "Oh, so you're going to bother showering now! Well, he must be something spectacular!"

She had always been the jealous type. She accused me of cheating so often on her with a man that it was exhausting. She was incredibly insecure, and I found her more annoying than pleasing to have around. But we had been together for three years, living together for a couple of months. I pretended to love her, or at least wanted to love her now, but Ruby would never fill the void left by Elizabeth. Ruby was a decent person, but I had come to hate her.

Elizabeth found out about Ruby three months ago. I hadn't meant to cheat but I did, and I did it successfully. I was scarily good at lying most of the time. I couldn't figure out why I let things happen with Ruby when Elizabeth was so important to me. When I was so in love with her. Perhaps it was because of my habitual self-destructive behaviour. Somewhere in my subconscious mind, I had never believed that I deserved anything good in my life. I ended up sabotaging myself in every way possible. I thought I was done with that bullshit when I met Elizabeth. I would have married her if I had had the guts to ask. But I still ended up sabotaging myself anyway.

Ruby never did find out about Elizabeth, but she was the reason Elizabeth was in the hospital.

"Not now. I wasn't anywhere that would be important to you, okay? Calm down and just let me take a shower," I said.

"Are you kidding me? I've been putting up with your self-pitying bullshit for months now! I'm not just going to sit here and take it anymore. You look and smell like absolute s**t. Do you even realise how lonely I've been? We haven't even had sex in weeks because of whatever the hell is going on with you! I have tried to be patient, but this is such bullshit right now, Emma!"

Her voice was shrill and whiny. I wanted to put a muzzle on her. "I'm really not in the mood for this today, Ruby. I'm getting better. I just want to take a shower and nap, okay?"

Her bright blue eyes shone with tears. "Why are you doing this? Does he accept you more? Because I do accept you, Emma. I have. Please. Just tell me what's going on," she begged.

I couldn't to stand to hear her voice anymore. I turned into the bathroom, closed the door, and locked it. I started the shower, but Ruby still stood outside the door begging for me to tell her what was going on. For the first time, I was content with letting Ruby believe whatever she wanted to believe. It was easier than explaining the situation with Elizabeth to her. I had a fleeting disappointing thought as I climbed into the shower: I couldn't go back to the hospital that night. Not with Ruby in such an unstable state.

I let the hot water run down my back. It burned at first, but I quickly became numb to it. Ruby had given up for the time being, so I allowed myself to let go of all the emotions I had been harbouring. I tried to block out the memory of Elizabeth leaving me after five years together, but I couldn't keep the thoughts out for long.

It was close to Christmas. Snow was on the ground, and Elizabeth decorated the tree we had brought back from the local garden store that day. She loved Christmas, and she was the epitome of Christmas cheer. It would have been annoying had it been anyone else, but since it was Elizabeth, I loved it. I never cared much for the holiday. Religion wasn't my thing, but Elizabeth was Christian. We never had conflicts over it; we were both accepting of each other's viewpoints. Even Elizabeth's entire family who attended church every Sunday and Wednesday invited me over for Sunday lunch when they got back from church. Everything was set up so perfectly for us. And I felt the need to self-destruct.

Elizabeth was decked out in her Santa hat and tacky Christmas sweater. She occasionally looked over at me and smiled. I always smiled back. It was impossible not to. She began to hum some carols, and I loved hearing her voice. She didn't sing often enough for the gift she had.

My phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that Ruby was calling. I hit "ignore". When I looked up, Elizabeth was looking at me, frowning.

"What?" I tried to look calm.

She shrugged and went back to decorating the tree. She didn't start singing again.

My phone rang again. I ignored it again, then put it on silent. Ruby had become very clingy, and I wished she would just leave me alone.

"Emma?" Elizabeth was looking at me, her eyes cast downward. She held a Rudolph ornament in her hand.

My heart sank. I didn't know what she was going to say, but my gut told me it wasn't going to be good.

"Who's Ruby?"

I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. It felt like my gut was tightening and I may be sick. Not once had Elizabeth ever suspected me of being unfaithful to her. What changed?

"A friend from college, why?" I lied so smoothly that it was convincing even to my own ears.

She looked down again and crossed her arms. "Why does she call you so much? Why does she text you so much?"

I froze completely. There was only one way she could possibly know that.

"Did you go through my phone?" I asked, trying to not sound accusing since I was the one in the hot seat.

She chewed on her nails and refused to meet my eyes. She nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't know. You were in the shower one night. I was asleep, but I heard you rummaging around before you got in the shower. Your phone was on the bedside table. I don't know what came over me. I just--I had to be sure."

There was nothing left for me to say. I couldn't even be angry with her for going through my phone. I was the dumbass cheater. I never deleted my messages, so lying or talking my way out of why Ruby's breasts or dirty texts were on my phone was useless.

Elizabeth's lower lip quivered. She tried to hide it, but she began to cry. I got up and went over to her. I put my hand on her shoulders.

"Elizabeth, please. I'll end it. I'll end it right now. I will do it for you. I swear. I will. I'll do it for you."

"Why--why would you--I thought--" She couldn't form coherent thoughts through her cracking voice.

I hugged her to me. In that moment, I hated myself. I was disgusted with myself. I had never felt so much self-loathing as I did right then. Why did I always do things like that?

She ripped away from me suddenly. Her face was soaked with tears, her eyes bright red. Through the heartache, I could see rage in her eyes.

"I'm leaving. Right now. I'm moving out. I can't even stand to look at your f*****g face right now. Why was I so stupid? I should've known from the first night that you were going to hurt me." She went to our room and slammed the door behind her.

I rushed over and began begging her to talk to me and try to work something out. She didn't answer. All I could were drawers opening and slamming shut. A few minutes later, she came out, lugging a duffle bag behind her. Her clothes were spilling out. She grabbed her keys and headed for the door.

"Elizabeth, wait! Please! Just...would you just listen to me for a second? I love you. You know that!"

She shook her head and shoved me away from her. "I'm never coming back."

And with that, she slammed the door behind her. I stood motionless staring at the door. I heard her car start, the sound of the rain hitting the cars in the parking lot, and then the sound of Elizabeth's car shifting into gear and driving away.

That night, I got a call. Elizabeth had been in a car accident. The details were not clear, but the doctors concluded that she was in a coma. They didn't know when or if she would ever regain consciousness.

That same night, I packed up my car, and ran. I went straight to Ruby's, and we fucked for a couple of hours. When we finished, I asked her if she wanted to live together. She was ecstatic, of course. I tried to forget about Elizabeth, but every time I saw Ruby, it was a painful reminder of why Elizabeth was in a coma. She shouldn't have even been driving that night.